RIP

Ray Dennis Steckler, director and producer of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" and other exploitation pics, who was often credited as Cash Flagg, died Jan. 7 in Las Vegas. He was 70.

His other films included "Wild Guitar," "The Thrill Killers," Batman spoof "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo" and "Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters." In later years, he directed and produced campy porn titles such as "The Horny Vampire" and "Debbie Does Las Vegas." He also worked under other pseudynoms such as Sven Christian. He also produced a documentary on his former wife, actress Carolyn Brandt.

Born in Reading, Penn., he served in the Army and got his start in Hollywood as a cinematographer on films such as "Wild Ones on Wheels." He also acted in many of his films.

He later ran a video business in Las Vegas where he continued working on film projects.

He is survived by his wife Katherine, four daughters and two grandchildren.

Variety

Ooh, Puppy!

I'm going to be busy this weekend, which is to say, I'll be sleeping, watching tv, and just generally avoiding any kind of activity whatsoever. I've gotten approximately ZIPPO sleep this week, and I need to recoup.

Anyhow, before I begin my weekend of sloth, I thought I'd post a movie, and you will be pleased as punch to know that it's a movie that was featured on Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Killer Shrews (but it's not the MST version). The plot, as near as I can figure it, has something to do with Roscoe P. Coltrane from The Dukes of Hazzard and Festus from Gunsmoke fighting off medium-sized dogs who seem to be draped in bath mats. It's gold, Jerry, GOLD!

Now, Google HAS the full version, but you have to pay for it and that seems kind of silly, so I'm supplying the YouTube version, which is cut into 7 parts. I'm posting the first video, and then a link to it, where you can find the rest of the clips (if anyone actually DOES go through the trouble of watching all of it, I will be suprised.)

It's Like Alien, but Without the Underwear

Theater of Pain

I found this a few days ago, and since then I've spent quite a bit of time debating what to say about it. The it dawned on me that I've said everything there is to say, so I'm just going to leave it alone and let the movie speak for itself.


MANOS The Hands Of Fate 1966

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Haute Blood Pressure

I've been meaning to watch Haute Tension for quite some time now, but I just hadn't gotten around to it for one reason or another (IE, not in the mood, it wasn't on tv at the time, didn't want to pay the rental fee, etc.) I noticed it was on last night, and I was up for some hacking and slashing, so I settled in. (There's gonna be spoilers in this post, I'm warning you now.)

I had a general idea of what the movie was about-2 friends go on a trip and they get some nut after them. I also knew about the big twist ending, but I figured that since I was expecting it, it wouldn't be such a surprise and the movie wouldn't piss me off like it did practically everyone else.

That was the plan anyway.

The movie starts with Alex and Marie, 2 college friends, traveling to Alex's family's gorgeous home in the French countryside for a study vacation. You get the idea that Alex is sort of the flirty, floozy girly type, and Marie, well, isn't. They get to the house, settle in, have dinner, blahdy, blahdy, blah. The family goes to bed and then a couple things happen that gives you the slight impression that maybe, perhaps Marie kinda, sorta has a thing for Alex (translation: she peeks at her while she's in the shower and then goes off to masturbate. Subtle.)

While Marie is busying herself, a man shows up at the house in a truck that he apparently stole from the Jeepers Creepers guy and knocks on the front door. (Oh yeah, I almost left out the part about the brief scene earlier in the movie, which consisted of the guy sitting in the JC truck, felating himself with a woman's decapitated head. He then chucked the head out the window and drove off. Such a gentleman.) Alex's dad answers the door, and the slaughter commences. Marie witnesses the initial assault on the dad, and manages to find a hiding place. Alex's mother and young brother aren't so lucky, and Alex herself arguably gets the worst of the man's aggression, chained to her bed, gagged, brutalized and raped-but not killed.

At this point in the movie (about 30 minutes in), I thought to myself "Hmm, this is a lot like that Dean Koontz book, Intensity." Now, I'm loathe to spoil any aspect of Intensity, because while it's not the BEST book I've ever read, it's probably the one book that managed to utterly and totally cause me to crap my pants, so I have an affinity for it. In the book, Chyna, a college student and a survivor of childhood abuse, joins her friend Laura at her family's house for Thanksgiving. While she's there a man breaks into the house, kills Laura's family, chains Laura up, rapes her, all the while Chyna hides in the house, waiting for an opportunity to save her friend and escape.

So yeah, you can see how the 2 stories have a lot in common, and if the similarities had ended there, I wouldn't even mention it. The thing is, up until the ending, the ENTIRE MOVIE is a blatant rip-off of Intensity (if you want a basis for comparison without reading the book, hunt down a copy of the miniseries starring Molly Parker and John C. McGinley. It's not on DVD though, but I do have a copy on VHS in my storeroom somewhere. I know that doesn't help any of you much, I'm just sayin'.)

When I say 'blatant rip-off', it's not hyperbole. I've seen plenty of films that contain homages, for lack of a better word, to other source material, but it's usually just one scene, so it's acceptable in some instances. But Haute Tension is made up entirely (minus the ending, which, I know I'm in the minority here, but I kind of liked the twist) of the first half of Intensity. In addition to what I've already covered:

-In both stories, the killer kidnaps the daughter, while the friend stows away in his vehicle (JC truck in HT, Winnebago in Intensity.)

-In both stories, the killer stops at a gas station while the friend tries to hide from him until she can get help. And in both stories, the gas station attendent doesn't fare very well.

-And in both stories, the friend swipes a car so she can catch the killer and rescue her friend (actually, in Intensity her friend was already a lost cause, and she was after him for another reason, but I've said too much already.)


Take away the shock ending, and that is the sum total of Haute Tension: someone else's story. I'm not a huge Dean Koontz fan-aside from Intensity, I've never cared much for his work-so I'm not freaking out over some sense of fan loyalty, it's my time that I care about. I admit, I'm selfish with my time, because I don't have that much of it for myself. I rarely get to watch movies lately, and since I love film as much as I do, when I DO get to watch something, I want it to count, you know? I'm not saying every movie I watch has to be great, far from it, but I don't want it to be something that wastes my time, nor something that offends me.

And Haute Tension did both. It didn't offend me because of the misogyny, the homophobia, or the violence-it was the plagiarism. Ignore Haute Tension and go read Intensity instead: It's better, scarier and more importantly, it's original.

Beware...

Remember that phase I went through not long ago, posting a crappy public domain movie every weekend, then I stopped? 'Member that? That was fun. The reason I stopped was because I ran out of good crappy movies, and was only left with CRAPPY crappy movies, and as much of a misanthrope as I am, I draw the line at foisting boring schlock upon other people.

However....

I was overcome by massive boredom this afternoon, and I went searching on Google video for something to watch, and I found not just a GOOD crappy movie, but GREAT crappy movie, one of the best of the worst: Ed Wood's transvestite sci-fi extravaganza, Glen or Glenda.

The inspiration for this movie was the story of George Jorgensen, who in 1952, became Christine Jorgensen, one of the first people to undergo sexual reassignment surgery.

However...

Christine's story has absolutely NOTHING to do with what ended up on film. What we got instead, was Ed Wood himself in some (very cute) angora sweaters, Bela Lugosi in one of the most bizarre roles of his career (morphine: it's a hell of a drug), and a plot that has fuck all to do with transsexualism (or logic for that matter.)

Basically, if you want a good movie about a transgendered person, rent Hedwig and the Angry Inch. If you want a halfway decent movie about a guy who dresses like a chick, rent Tootsie. If you want a good Ed Wood movie, then I'm afraid I can't help you (but if you want a good movie ABOUT Ed Wood, then check out his biopic starring Johnny Depp. Martin Landau is GOLD as Bela Lugosi.)

However...

If you're like me, and you thrive on crappy movies about cross dressers that make no sense whatsoever, then settle in and click 'play' on the little YouTube dealy down below.

Watch Out For Snakes.

I was going to post my usual little sunday music thingamabob today, but I just wasn't in the mood. You know, I have to go and pick 5 or 6 different songs, pick out some purty colors for the players, and then drag all of it back here, not to mention choosing a cool picture to complete the experience. Pah, I'm TIRED! I don't have time for all of that mess today, so instead, I'm returning to my roots and presenting a film.

Now, due to some recent-ish misadventures in movie posting, I've decided on a public domain flick, because I'm sick of posting stuff, and then lo and behold, it gets removed a day later. It agitates me, and being the type of person I am, it makes me feel a little guilty. Not guilty because I posted copyrighted material-hell, I didn't upload "insert-movie/tv-show-title-here", but because I feel somehow responsible for those videos being removed, and that means that other people don't get to see it. One day I will post a long-winded schpiel on how people need to stop getting their panties in a wad over sites like YouTube, but as I said, I'M TIRED.

And I digress. Today, I am posting one of my top 5 worst films ever made, "Eegah!" (or part of Eegah, but you aren't missing anything by not seeing the whole thing, trust me.) Eegah was featured on MST3k many moons ago, and it was hilarious of course. I'd much rather post that version, but, well, you know...But even on it's own, it's...Okay, it sucks, it sucks bad, but it's a good kind of suck, and I'm kind of fond of it, although it's not on a par with say, Reefer Madness, it's got it's charm...Okay, I lied, it has no charm, it's bad, it's very, very bad. What do you want from me, huh? Just watch the damned thing. Christ.

I. Rock.

OUT LOUD. I rock hard-harder than anyone you've ever met. I rock louder and harder than....Um, well, Pete Townsend of the Who, for example-back in the day, he rocked pretty hard. BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I ROCK RIGHT NOW! I am rocking upside down, sideways AND diagonally. I am....

Sorry. I got a little carried away there. I'm sure it won't ever happen again. I'm just happy right now, because I figured out a way to give YouTube's video time-limit the runaround. GO ME!

What happened was, I was going through my favorites on the aforementioned YouTube, deleting a bunch of stuff, because I had stuff that I'm not even sure why I saved it in the first place, much less want to watch again. I was going through my playlists, and I noticed for the first time (on some very rare occasions, I'm not all that observant ), that you can EMBED entire playlists. I also remembered that some kind soul had uploaded the 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 awhile back, cut up into 11 bite-sized pieces. You see where I'm going with this? I think you do.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you are familiar with the premise of MST3k, so I won't go into it again. What about Manos? Well, Manos is probably the most famous episode of MST. Those guys took a movie that causes people physical and mental pain, and re-fashioned it into comedic platinum (I don't care for gold). What is the movie about? A vacationing family falls into the clutches of the leader of a very tiny cult of people who seem to worship a hand...Or something, I dunno-they love hands: it's on staffs, artwork, a nifty Bea Arthur-esque muumuu, and they also seem to enjoy relieving other people of their own manos-es-es (Mani??). The highlight of the movie (I almost called it a film-that would have been a gross overstatement of a compliment), and I use the word 'highlight' very loosely, would have to be Torgo, the lecherous, big-kneed, goat-voiced houseboy (supposedly he was meant to be a satyr-you know: half-man, half-goat; deity of the woods and mountains, which is weird, because this takes place in a desert setting...Oh my God, I'm attempting to question the filmaker's logic while talking about Manos: The Hands of Fate-I've gone off the deep end.)

I hate Manos-I watched and reviewed it right here on this very blog a few months ago. Watching it un-MSTied is an exercise in cruel torture, in fact, I'm thinking about calling Amnesty International and reporting myself for making myself watch it. BUT, watching the MST version is the very definiton of pure, sweet, sweet joy. Watch it if you haven't ever seen it-you'll thank me later.

(I realize this embeded playlist player thingy isn't perfect: it looks different, and you can't watch the episode seamlessly (plus, I had to make it smaller because it pushed my links down to the bottom of the page and I won't stand for that). Look at it this way: eventually, I probably would have posted the whole thing ANYWAY, but this way, I won't have to either A) post 11 different players, or B) post 11 different links. That would have looked positively trashy.)

Your Experiment Today...

Once again I'm posting the saturday movie a bit early. So what? Is there a law saying it has to be done at a set time? I shun your laws and the men who make them, as I am a rebel (I am also VERY tired, and kinda sick-keep that in mind when you read whatever I may say in this post... Unless it's something really profound and brilliant, in which case, I meant to say it, and am in my right mind. Otherwise, I am mad with exhaustion and should be ignored at all costs). Saturday, I plan to sleep late, sit on my ass in front of the tv, and fade in and out of consciousness, and what that means is, I ain't a-gonna feel like postin' no movies tomorrow.

What are we watching this week?

I am posting a full-length MST3k episode today. Why? Because I just now noticed that Google has some of my favorites (and yes, eventually I will post those too-SUCK IT!), and also, it's a good way for those of you who don't know who That Guy is to get acquainted with him, and learn why some of us dig him (and his cohorts) so very, very much. See? Everyone benefits.

Also, no hints about the specific episode, because the only person who would know, would guess INSTANTLY, and then DEMAND a cookie. You know you would-don't lie.

I Will Perfect My Own Rice of People

Legendary auteur Edward D. Wood jr would have been 82 today. Now, y'all know I love me some Ed, so I'm posting a couple of clips from his films as a paltry tribute: Bela Lugosi's "Atomic Supermen" speech from Bride of the Monster, and the trailer for Glen or Glenda. The man made pure celluloid crap-you can't argue with that. Logically, a person should not enjoy repeated viewings of his films, but as I always say: TO HELL WITH LOGIC! Usually after I say that, I throw my glass of scotch into the fireplace, and then I storm out the front door in a grand and diva-like manner.

But I digress..

I submit, that the reason his films are so enjoyable, is because they're UNIQUE crap, all crafted with his skewed 'artistic' vision (I have to wonder what kind of movies he would make if he were still alive, what with all the advances in special effects. Would he still be lighting pie plates on fire?). They don't make crap like that anymore. Who do we have making lousy movies nowadays? Uwe Boll? Who the hell wants to watch a Uwe Boll movie over and over again? Plus Ed had that cross-dressing thing going for him. Are there any cross-dressing filmakers around anymore? Well, I guess there's Larry Wachowski (did he ever get his sex change operation? Hmm.), but he's kind of a recluse, and his movies aren't TOO bad ( I love Agent Smith too much to be able to sufficiently bad-mouth the Matrix trilogy, but then again I HATE Keanu Reeves...But not as much as I love Agent Smith, so no, I can't talk smack about the Matrix).

ANYWAY, Happy Birthday, Ed- you made garbage that makes people happy. That's a rare feat indeed.

"No, She's Got Neck Juice!"

I don't know about you, but I'm in the mood for some sleazy cheese. The movie I'm posting today is a bad movie, REALLY bad, but it's just bad enough that it actually bypasses bad, and ends up being good. It's high art, really.

Unlike last week, where I tricked certain folks into thinking I was posting the Rocky Horror Picture Show (Insert evil laugh here), the post title this week IS related to the movie somewhat. You won't hear that line in THIS version, but it's all related. I actually wish Google had that version, because I'd like to post it with this one. But they don't, so I can't, and so I won't.

Anyway.......

Skinny Pale People=Not Scary

As you may have gathered by my last review and the addition of several horror related links over to the right (my very favorite being Final Girl -Check it out if you have not done so), I have renewed my love affair with scary movies. Perhaps this is some kind of subconscious preparation for Halloween, because as far as I'm concerned, October is the most wonderful time of the year-I spit on December.

So, what did I watch last night?

It looks like a normal, everyday house, but the atmosphere about it is anything but. Something happened here once... no, even now there is a terror here, born of a spirit that possesses this place. The various supernatural experiences undergone by the different owners of the house, unaware of the horrible events that have taken place here, mingle across time, and the true form of the terrifying, invisible "Ju-On" that nests in this house becomes clear...

That's right, kids, I viewed the 2003 Japanese extravaganza, Ju-On. I will admit, that I'm not too familiar with the Japanese horror genre, but from everything I've heard, they're supposed to be fairly scary. If this movie is any indication, I've either A) Been misinformed, or B) Become jaded.

Why did I not find it scary? For one thing, I laughed through damn near the entire thing. Case in point: The sister of the husband of the first couple (don't ask me any names-I haven't a clue), gets stalked by the Ju-on ghost in her office building (at least I THINK that's where she was), then, after she gets to her apartment, she does a few utterly asinine things:

1. Her brother calls her from outside her building. Now, WE know that it's not her brother, but even if she's not aware that it's some skinny, crunchy woman in a dirty nightgown, considering how her brother was acting earlier, she should still be a little leery. Especially when he has forgotten what number apt. is hers. She buzzes him in.

2. The phone makes a weird, otherworldly noise, so she chucks it out into the hallway.

3. Finally, the fear becomes too much for her, and in a fit of stark, raving terror, she......Hides under the covers on her bed. She hid....Under...The fucking.....Sheets. I haven't done that since I was 5. As far as I'm concerned, she deserved everything she got after that pathetic display.

The whole movie was like that to varying degrees. I just-- is it me? Have I seen so many ghosts, zombies, masked psychos and crazed, transexual camp counselers that I've become numb to any attempt at horror? Am I losing my childlike sense of wonder and fear? Or was Ju-on just not scary? I need answers, people!

Keeping with my prefered subjects of lists and bad films, I'm posting this link to a *Drumroll* List of bad movies! This list is kind of old, and I have a problem with some of their picks, for a couple of reasons:
Some of the movies on there are not the worst by far. (the first Texas Chainsaw Massacre is an American classic, thankyouverymuch) and I think they included some others for the sheer reason it has become cool not to like certain blockbuster movies.
Some of their choices are just too obvious (Plan 9 has been beaten like a dead horse when it comes to bad film choices, and it seems kind of lazy to add it at this point. I'm not saying it isn't bad, it is GLORIOUSLY awful, but, God people, at least TRY to come up with something different).
There are a slew of lesser- known films out there that are worse than most of what they came up with here (I say "most", not all-Manos: the Hands of Fate got a mention) . They also seem to be biased toward the last 25 years of movies, and neglect some of the straight-up shit that flooded the cinema in the 60s and 70s and earlier decades. Did any of these people ever see I Spit on Your Grave?
I guess the only reason I'm posting it, is because it was the only large list of it's kind I could find.

Hell, maybe I should make my own list.

http://www.thestinkers.com/100stinkers.html