You're the Laziest Man on Mars

I'm just not feeling Christmas this year. The economy is in the crapper, ain't got no money, it's like 70 degrees outside and I'm just in an all-around poopy mood. However, I soldier on 'cuz that's how I do what...

.....

Technical difficulties


Well, this was unexpected. About 15 minutes ago, I was informed by my daughter that my dog Pepper, a charming mix of Beagle and Steve McQueen, took an unplanned furlough from the backyard. We went to catch her and I have to say for a dog as tubby as she is, she's REALLY fast. I caught her, told H. to hold her collar while I ducked back under the barbwire fence that surrounds the property I had just trespassed upon aaaand she let her go. She took off, my lungs which have been ravaged by at least a decade of cigarette smoke said, "Fuck that noise" and we turned around and came home, sans our beloved fat little escape artist. So she's still on the lam and I'm Googling prices on Commit Lozenges.

But I started this post with the intent of finishing it and by gum, that's what I'm gonna do.

Where was I? Oh, Christmas. Yeah, it sucks this year, I'm over it, whatevs-doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm still in love with the IDEA of the holidays, even if I'm not expecting much out of them this year. But ask not what the holidays can do for you, ask what you can do for the holidays. Kennedy said that, I believe. He was probably drunk at a Christmas party or something, but I'd bet cash money that he did say it at some point-he was a stitch, that JFK.

You know what else is a stitch (and I'm sure we all see what I did there)? Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was poking around in my blog archives and I noticed that this is my third Christmas with this blog and I've never, ever posted this episode. I don't know why, because I love it like it was my own little child. Pia Zadora is in the featured movie and Joel and the Bots perform a song entitled "Lets Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas". Not to end on a down note, but that song is one of the reasons I'm posting this now. I don't reckon the Swayz' will be around next December, sadly and it just doesn't seem right posting a song like that when the subject...Well, you know.

Enough melancholy. Enjoy "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" and if you don't watch the whole movie, at least stick around for the kicky theme song, "Hooray for Santy Claus". It's a fun tune and sure to diminish any holiday ennui. I should listen to it myself.

AFTER I hunt down that fat little beast.

This Man is Wearing a Push-up Bra. Now he is Pleasing

Today is the 48th birthday of Joel Hodgson, creator and original host of MST3k. In the interest of full disclosure, when I was in my late teens, I would have gladly offered him my hand in marriage had the opportunity arisen.

In honor of this day, I've made a top 5 list of my favorite Joel episodes of MST3k (difficulty: no Manos) and I'm including one of my favorite shorts.

1. Eegah!
2. The Amazing Colossal Man (The episode that broke my MST3k cherry, as it were.)
3. Mitchell (Joel's last episode as host, and the only episode that ever made me cry.)
4. Attack of the Eye Creatures
5. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

Visions of the Mekong Delta Flash Before Johnny's Eyes

My week has been not so good (I don't wanna go into it). But it's almost over, that's the important thing, and tomorrow, hopefully will make up for the last several days. You see, every year our town hosts a carnival of sorts, and those seedy people set up camp yesterday. Tomorrow night, I plan to eat oodles of questionable food, waste money on rigged games, avoid the leers of dirty, filthy carnies, and barf my guts out while riding the Zipper.

My official stance is that I'm going because Harper wants to go, and while this is partly true, the fact of the matter is, I'm mainly going because I want to. I can play up my sophistication and sharp intellect (what?) til the cows come home, but when you get right down to it, I'm just easily entertained white trash. I'm ok with that.

In addition to being a simple-minded hick, I'm also a weak and frail woman, so I'll be using the rest of the weekend to recover (mainly recovering from the prior week's events, not so much the carnival), so I thought I'd toss up a little video. Now, I thought and thought about what to post that would fit in with my carnival shenanigans: possibly an episode of the wonderful tv series 'Carnivale', which was unceremoniously canceled by those dicks at HBO. Or perhaps 'The Funhouse', the Tobe Hooper horror movie that scared the living daylights out of me when I was a kid.

No.

I ended up deciding on an MST3k short, 'Johnny at the Fair'. A fair isn't the same as a carnival; it's bigger and there are usually more farm animals (not taking into account anything that the carnies might be into. I kid the carnies. Those dirty, filthy carnies), but it's close enough. I had doubts about posting an MST short, because I didn't want to rip Jenner off, but she generally sticks to the Mike shorts, while I'm more of a Joel gal (because he's better. Doy.)

So, I will return on monday (maybe sunday, it all depends), probably with a long-winded post complaining about how the PC police have ruined carnivals by making them get rid of the sideshow freaks.


God, how I miss the freaks. Damn, maybe I should have posted the movie 'Freaks' instead. Or 'Freaked' with Alex Winter. Whatever happened to that guy anyway? Shit, now I gotta go Google....

Almost Forgot...

I just now managed to get Harper to sleep, and I want to wait until she's out good so that I can...Uh, purchase illegal weapons over the internet. Yeah, that'll work. Anyway, I thought while I had a few minutes I could post this lil' doohickey, because I've been wanting to for MONTHS now, and if I don't post it now, I'll have to wait another year, and that will just not do. For those of you that read this here blog on the regular, you should have expected something like this, because when it comes to certain things, I am absurdly predictable. With other things, not so much.



APPLESAUCE!!



See, you weren't expecting that, were you? Yeah, I didn't think so.(Pardon me, I'm tired and a bit loopy.)

And now for your viewing and listening pleasure, "Let's Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas", from MST3k.

Knew Your Father, I Did

Prepare yourselves-this is one of those posts where I go on about how I won't be posting for awhile. Like most of the other times I do this, I'll throw up some form of media to tide you over until I return-I'm good like that.

So, um, yes, I'm not going to be posting very often. I have this thing I started yesterday, and my time to do shit I want to do is all kinds of limited. I haven't gotten a new job-JOB yet, not exactly, although I AM getting paid for it, albeit very little (and the first one of you who says the word "Prostitution" is going to get stabbed through the internet). It's complicated and weird and actually very, very boring. So boring-I swear to God, my brain is going to be a worthless puddle of soup before the end of the year. More so.

I will attempt to throw up at least one post a day, although for a couple of weeks, it may not be anything more than a song or a video. I'll probably get in a couple of long-winded something-or-others up on the weekends, though, so you've got that to look forward to. Actually, it won't be much different than it is now, I guess. Huh. Forget I said anything.

PS-the thing-a-ma-bob I'm posting is an MST3k short, Mr. B Natural. It's the story of a freakish androgynous woman who stalks and harasses a little boy until he has to become institutionalized. Or takes up a musical instrument; I think the mental hospital came later, they just left it out. Watch it: It's horrifying and hilarious (and short). Plus it has Joel, who, as we all know, is 10,000,000,000,000 times better than Mike. At least all the SANE people know that.


Oh, yes I DID say that. Heh heh.

I. Rock.

OUT LOUD. I rock hard-harder than anyone you've ever met. I rock louder and harder than....Um, well, Pete Townsend of the Who, for example-back in the day, he rocked pretty hard. BUT NOT AS MUCH AS I ROCK RIGHT NOW! I am rocking upside down, sideways AND diagonally. I am....

Sorry. I got a little carried away there. I'm sure it won't ever happen again. I'm just happy right now, because I figured out a way to give YouTube's video time-limit the runaround. GO ME!

What happened was, I was going through my favorites on the aforementioned YouTube, deleting a bunch of stuff, because I had stuff that I'm not even sure why I saved it in the first place, much less want to watch again. I was going through my playlists, and I noticed for the first time (on some very rare occasions, I'm not all that observant ), that you can EMBED entire playlists. I also remembered that some kind soul had uploaded the 'Manos: The Hands of Fate' episode of Mystery Science Theater 3000 awhile back, cut up into 11 bite-sized pieces. You see where I'm going with this? I think you do.

If you've been reading this blog for any length of time, you are familiar with the premise of MST3k, so I won't go into it again. What about Manos? Well, Manos is probably the most famous episode of MST. Those guys took a movie that causes people physical and mental pain, and re-fashioned it into comedic platinum (I don't care for gold). What is the movie about? A vacationing family falls into the clutches of the leader of a very tiny cult of people who seem to worship a hand...Or something, I dunno-they love hands: it's on staffs, artwork, a nifty Bea Arthur-esque muumuu, and they also seem to enjoy relieving other people of their own manos-es-es (Mani??). The highlight of the movie (I almost called it a film-that would have been a gross overstatement of a compliment), and I use the word 'highlight' very loosely, would have to be Torgo, the lecherous, big-kneed, goat-voiced houseboy (supposedly he was meant to be a satyr-you know: half-man, half-goat; deity of the woods and mountains, which is weird, because this takes place in a desert setting...Oh my God, I'm attempting to question the filmaker's logic while talking about Manos: The Hands of Fate-I've gone off the deep end.)

I hate Manos-I watched and reviewed it right here on this very blog a few months ago. Watching it un-MSTied is an exercise in cruel torture, in fact, I'm thinking about calling Amnesty International and reporting myself for making myself watch it. BUT, watching the MST version is the very definiton of pure, sweet, sweet joy. Watch it if you haven't ever seen it-you'll thank me later.

(I realize this embeded playlist player thingy isn't perfect: it looks different, and you can't watch the episode seamlessly (plus, I had to make it smaller because it pushed my links down to the bottom of the page and I won't stand for that). Look at it this way: eventually, I probably would have posted the whole thing ANYWAY, but this way, I won't have to either A) post 11 different players, or B) post 11 different links. That would have looked positively trashy.)

Your Experiment Today...

Once again I'm posting the saturday movie a bit early. So what? Is there a law saying it has to be done at a set time? I shun your laws and the men who make them, as I am a rebel (I am also VERY tired, and kinda sick-keep that in mind when you read whatever I may say in this post... Unless it's something really profound and brilliant, in which case, I meant to say it, and am in my right mind. Otherwise, I am mad with exhaustion and should be ignored at all costs). Saturday, I plan to sleep late, sit on my ass in front of the tv, and fade in and out of consciousness, and what that means is, I ain't a-gonna feel like postin' no movies tomorrow.

What are we watching this week?

I am posting a full-length MST3k episode today. Why? Because I just now noticed that Google has some of my favorites (and yes, eventually I will post those too-SUCK IT!), and also, it's a good way for those of you who don't know who That Guy is to get acquainted with him, and learn why some of us dig him (and his cohorts) so very, very much. See? Everyone benefits.

Also, no hints about the specific episode, because the only person who would know, would guess INSTANTLY, and then DEMAND a cookie. You know you would-don't lie.

After This, I Promise to Stop With the Birthday Posts, I Swear.

Some guy named Michael J. Nelson turned 42 today. Supposedly, he used to write for and later starred in some tv show back in the 90s-Mystery Science Theater 3000. I, of course, have no firsthand knowledge of the existence of such a program, so I can't verify that, but that's what I've heard. It's not like I can quote a ridiculous number of his lines, and I most CERTAINLY never had a gigantic poster of him and his robot friends on my wall when I was 18 years old. I also don't think his dimples are absolutely adorable. Nope.

Apparently, nowadays he does commentary on special DVD editions of classic B-movies, and allegedly, there's a website where you can download commentaries he's done for a few more recent films. I think it's called Rifftrax or something, I'm not sure. Also, the word on the street is he's written a few books-that might be true, I dunno.

I hope he had a nice birthday, whoever he is. Oh, BTW: These clips of that show he was on could be entertaining, I have no idea. I myself, cannot sing the 10th season theme song at the drop of a hat (for the record, I also don't know the varying theme songs from the other seasons), and this short, A Case of Spring Fever-it might be somewhat amusing, who knows? It's not like I've laughed my ass off at it eleventy billion times, and I can't quote it or anything ("I own your ass, fat boy! Get back here!" "Rip, tear, expose, horrify friends" "You spring loving bastard"), and anyone who says I can is a filthy, lowdown liar.

"Did I Mentioned That I Cried?"

I was doing some browsing over on YouTube, and it struck me that I haven't posted anything MST3k related in a while. I'm filled with shame. No actually, I'm pretty tickled, because they have more stuff than they did last time, including Manos, and while I abhor that movie on it's own, I have a shrine in my attic devoted to the MST version. They also have quite a few of the first season Joel eps, so I'm practically orgasmic (Yes, I said "orgasmic" and I meant it.)
This clip is from one of the 4th season host segments, and while it's not exactly hilarious, I know at least one person who might get some enjoyment out of it.

Even More MST3k

What, did anyone think I'd forget this? I had to save the best for last. This is another MST3k short, The Truck Farmer. I'm not going to say much else, because I just noticed that You Tube now has Time Chasers and Final Sacrifice (ROWSDOWER!), so I'm probably going to be up all night now. DAMN YOU TUBE! You've stolen my life!

Someone should have thought of this years ago:

Organisers of a music festival have had to change their fancy dress circus theme after some ticket holders told them they had a phobia of clowns.
The Bestival, which takes place on 8, 9 and 10 September near Newport, Isle of Wight, had asked festival-goers to turn up in curly wigs and large shoes.
But organisers decided to shelve the idea after a number of ticket holders said they suffered from Coulrophobia.
Revellers are still encouraged to wear fancy dress but to avoid clown outfits.
Organisers have suggested people instead turn up in "bunny ears, a Spam tin outfit, an astronaut's helmet, a witch's hat or just a plain old Buzz Lightyear lycra all-in-one" for the concerts which include performances by the Pet Shop Boys and the Scissor Sisters.
The Bestival, at Robin Hill Country Park, broke the Guinness World Record last year for the biggest fancy dress party when 10,000 people turned up dressed as cowboys and Indians.
Coulrophobia - fear of clowns - can cause panic attacks, shortness of breath, rapid breathing, irregular heartbeat, sweating, nausea and overall feelings of dread.

I think the United Nations or Amnesty International should take note of this, and make it a worldwide law , because no one shoud be subjected to those painted faces of evil.

I was going to post a clip from Stephen King's IT, to really drive the point home, but I would like to sleep again in the next few days. So, I'm settling for yet another MST3k vid, titled "Here Comes the Circus". It's pretty horrifying, but at least you can laugh while you cower.

I meant to post this yesterday, but I forgot about it. Now, I love Canada and Canadians and mean no offense at all, but this is so damn funny, I couldn't resist.

Enjoy the Canadian Song from the MST3k episode, "The Final Sacrifice".

Movie Sign

Yeah, like no one saw this coming. How much do I love Mystery Science Theater 3000? Words cannot describe it. I hadn't watched it in a long time, but SOMEONE *Ahem* got me hooked again. I first discovered this way back in about 1993 on the day we got our big, honkin' satellite dish. My first episode was "The Amazing Colossal Man". My first thought when I saw it, was "WTF IS this?" but by the end, I knew I had to have more.

The premise is simple: a guy (My IDOL, Joel Hodgson, and later, Mike Nelson, also awesome) gets shot into space by his evil bosses as part of an experiment to see how a person handles being subjected to awful movies. He builds 3 robots to keep him company, and 2 of them-Crow and Tom Servo-suffer through the films with him.
How DOES he handle suffering through the likes of Eegah!, Zombie Nightmare and my 2 favorites, Mitchell and Manos: The Hands of Fate? By unleashing a barrage of jokes, quips and pop culture references that will have you pissing your pants in unabashed glee.

Sadly, the show was canceled after 10(11 if you count the 1st season on Minneapolis UHF channel KTMA) seasons, but there are several episodes on DVD. Youtube has a few full episodes (most are cut into 10 part increments) that you can check out. Since I'm SUCH a nice person, I've included a few Google Video links to some of the shorts. Watch them, because I am physically and mentally unable to do this show the justice it deserves.

A film about dating your family. Yes, you read that right.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-4897853132574126768&q=mst3k

Body Care and Grooming. "And remember, when you touch yourselves, the saints cry".

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-3772377652946713143&q=mst3k


Mr B. Natural. One of the most infamous MST shorts. It features a bizzare, androgynous woman harrassing a small boy.

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=6076941100462957931&q=mst3k