Wednesday, October 01, 2008

And Be There When I Feed The Tree...

It's October. You know what that means? It means I have my first sinus infection of the season, that's what that means. It also means that it's time for my Scary Movies Thingamabob, but since it's my blog and I wanna talk about me, my grave illness takes precedent over some stupid movie. Memememememe.


All right, I know you don't care the fact that I'm at death's door, you selfish bitches, so I'll give you what you came for. What is our first horror movie this time 'round? Welp:

Yes, that's right: Judgment at Nuremberg.

NO! Silly...

I actually meant to post about Poltergeist back when I was doing the 80s movies doohickey during the summer, but I never got around to it. God, Poltergeist scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. I remember my mom telling me "Watch it with us-it's not scary, it's good". She was half-right and the other half...Well, I thought my mother was always honest with me, but now I see that she was really a big lying McLiar from Lietown.

I guess for an adult it's not scary, but to a little 7 year old who still slept with the lights on? For the 2 Amish people reading this who've never seen it (and wtf are Amish people doing reading a blog? Go back to your barn raising, Ezekiel!), Poltergeist is the story of a fairly cool couple (played by Craig T. Nelson-aka Tv's "Coach"-and the lovely Jobeth Williams) and their three children, (played by...Well we'll get to that in a minute.) They live in a nifty house and are in the process of having a pool put in the back yard. They hang out, watch the game with the neighbors, have funerals for dead pets, spark up the occasional doobie, fall asleep in front of the Tv; no big whoop.

Then things start getting a little hinky. First off, their youngest starts talking back to the television. I don't mean like "Girl, don't go in there, the killer is behind the door!", I mean she's asking the TV questions and acting like it's answering her-it's totally unsettling. Then the dinette set starts rearranging itself and the silverware goes all Uri Gellar on them. It's cute.

At first.

Then one night, the creepy tree outside the two youngest kids' bedroom decides it wants to chow down on TV's Coach and the lovely Jobeth Williams' son. While they're off trying to extract him, the TV talker gets sucked into the closet and disappears and it's all a great big clusterfuck. They decide that perhaps they'd like their little girl back, so TV's Coach enlists the aid of some paranormal investigators and they have the world's least fun slumber party.

They do what they can to help, but apart from just looking at some angelic specter with their mouths agape, eating some nasty, nasty looking foodstuffs, and talking to the little girl through the TV, they aren't of much use. So they call in the big gun:

Ahh, Tangina. Would that you could clean MY house.

Not to spoil the Amish, but with the aid of some tennis balls, rope and the lovely Jobeth Williams, they manage to extricate the little girl from the closet. Tangina declares the house safe once more and they go on about their business.

Tv's Coach and the lovely Jobeth Williams (now with 25% more grey hair) decide to pack it in and move to less intrusive quarters. TV's Coach goes off to tie up some loose ends at work and Jobeth and the two youngest kids stay behind, with the intent of sacking out at the Holiday Inn when daddy gets home. Everything is all nice and cozy, the kids are in bed and the lovely Jobeth retreats to the bathroom to tackle her newfound greys.

Yeah the house ain't having none of that nonsense.

It starts with the clown doll. The boy, Robbie, has a clown doll in his room that is less than not creepy looking. He usually tosses a jacket over it before going to sleep. He tries to toss the jacket and misses. He shrugs it off and tries to go to sleep. He looks up and notices that, hey, the clown doll has relocated. But to where? Yeah, that fucking thing attacked his ass and as a child it scared me silly. I thought Pennywise was the genesis of my clown fear, but no, I had blocked Poltergeist clown out of my mind.

At that point, the closet door opens up again and everything goes haywire once more. The lovely Jobeth is dragged all over the bedroom, I mean up the ceiling, the walls-everywhere. She does the proper mom thing and goes to save the children, but some big old ghostly looking skeleton dealybopper is blocking her entrance. So she goes outside to get help from the neighbors who surely would think nothing of the crazy lady in her nightgown asking for them to chip in as volunteer Ghostbusters. She slips and falls into the unfinished pool and the source of their house issues become apparent: the genius real estate developer whom TV's Coach works for built the damn thing over an old cemetery and the inhabitants are rightly pissed. Due to some rain and the whole "house is going to eat you" thing, the bodies are popping up like fishing bobbers and the whole thing is very gross and creepy.

With no help from the neighbors, the lovely Jobeth goes back into the house and finally manages to remove her children. TV's Coach finally shows up and they jump in the car and hightail it to the Holiday Inn. Not for nothing, TV's Coach shoves the television outside, presumably so they don't have to watch Coach.

It's a great movie and I'm glad I decided to watch it again after all these years. One thing bothered me, and it's a minor, nerdy complaint. Steven Speilberg is listed as the writer and as producer of the film. Tobe Hooper, who directed the light-hearted romp "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" is listed as the film's director. Yeah, no. Despite all the creepiness and the ghosts and clown dolls from hell, Poltergeist has a decidedly Speilberg quality to it-a certain sense of whimsy and wonder and stuff like that. Tobe Hooper doesn't make whimsical movies and it's my uneducated opinion that, for whatever reason, Steven Speilberg directed this movie and then lied about it. I may be wrong, I don't care. If someone wants to sue me for saying it, fine. I have no money, you'll be laughed out of court. Suck it.

I hate to end on a down note, but I'm gonna. They're remaking it. No word on who's gonna play what, but if I had a kid who was an actor, no way in hell would I let them be in it. Another downer: Poltergeist has something of a Curse attached to it. Most notably, Heather O'Rourke who played young Carol Anne (the TV talker) died at age 12 from septic shock; Dominique Dunne who played the oldest child was murdered at age 22 by her boyfriend. Not one for believing curses and stuff, but I don't like to tempt fate either. I'm careful like that.

I'm obviously doing these horror movie posts a little differently than I did last year, but for funsies I reckon I'll still put up the little Amazon link. It's just a minor service I provide when I can't think of any other way to end a post.