Oh For The Love Of Green Jelly Beans....

For the past week or so, the internet has been awash in a certain set of pictures and it has set off a rather heated and retarded debate. I'm no expert on such things, but I'd like to weigh in with a feeble photo essay of sorts.

To begin:



This is one of the results of a GIS of "World's fattest woman". As you can see, she's little more than a head and meaty tree trunk arms set atop what has become something akin to a flesh mattress. She can't get up and perform basic everyday functions. In other words-she's morbidly obese.

Next up:



This is what you get when you Google "Fat woman". As evidenced by the fact that she's sitting up and is at least able to ATTEMPT to dress herself, she isn't quite in the same boat as Random Lady #1.

Now these 2 are Mia Tyler and Chloe Marshall, respectively:





Mia is a former plus-size model and daughter of that fish-lipped dude from Aerosmith. Chloe is the British chick who caused a stir last year when she became the first size 16 contestant in the Miss England contest. Neither are obese, but if not for the fact that they otherwise won the genetic lotto, they would be considered by some (if not most) to be fat, or at the very least, overweight. I think they look great, but that's neither here nor there.

This is my current girl-crush Christina Hendricks:



Christina plays sexpot secretary Joan Holloway on "Mad Men". She's what you call "curvy", seeing as how while she's not a size 2 (her driver's license on the show says she's 5'8, 140 pounds-a heifer, by Hollywood standards), she's insanely well-proportioned.

Now we come to the reason for this post:



This is Jessica Simpson, occasional pop starlet/reality show star/tabloid fodder/bane of the existence of most Dallas Cowboys fans. This is what it looks like when a thin-to-average woman wears the most unflattering outfit in the history of clothing. She's not morbidly obese, fat, or plus-sized and despite her ample chest area, she doesn't really qualify for curvy. Those pants would make Allegra Versace look like Dom Deluise, for god's sake.

So to sum up: while she may have put on 5 or 10 pounds, Jessica Simpson is not ready to become a member of the Fatty-Boom-Balatty club. She just can't dress for shit.

Any questions?

Pardon the Mess

I've decided after nearly three years that it's time to tweak my black and blue bruise of a blog. It's time to redecorate. So if you happen to pop in in the next hour or so and notice my color scheme in disarray, fret not. Since I know myself pretty well, I won't discount the idea that I may just say "screwitalltohell" and go back to the old colors, so if you pop back in tomorrow and everything is the same well, don't fret about that either.

We now return to your regularly scheduled afternoon, already in progress.

RIP

NEW YORK – John Updike, the Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, prolific man of letters and erudite chronicler of sex, divorce and other adventures in the postwar prime of the American empire, died Tuesday at age 76.

Updike, best known for his four "Rabbit" novels, died of lung cancer at a hospice near his home in Beverly Farms, Mass., according to his longtime publisher, Alfred A. Knopf.

A literary writer who frequently appeared on best-seller lists, the tall, hawk-nosed Updike wrote novels, short stories, poems, criticism, the memoir "Self-Consciousness" and even a famous essay about baseball great Ted Williams.

He released more than 50 books in a career that started in the 1950s, winning virtually every literary prize, including two Pulitzers, for "Rabbit Is Rich" and "Rabbit at Rest," and two National Book Awards.

Although himself deprived of a Nobel, he did bestow it upon one of his fictional characters, Henry Bech, the womanizing, egotistical Jewish novelist who collected the literature prize in 1999.

His settings ranged from the court of "Hamlet" to postcolonial Africa, but his literary home was the American suburb, the great new territory of mid-century fiction.

Born in 1932, Updike spoke for millions of Depression-era readers raised by "penny-pinching parents," united by "the patriotic cohesion of World War II" and blessed by a "disproportionate share of the world's resources," the postwar, suburban boom of "idealistic careers and early marriages."

He captured, and sometimes embodied, a generation's confusion over the civil rights and women's movements, and opposition to the Vietnam War. Updike was called a misogynist, a racist and an apologist for the establishment. On purely literary grounds, he was attacked by Norman Mailer as the kind of author appreciated by readers who knew nothing about writing. Last year, judges of Britain's Bad Sex in Fiction Prize voted Updike lifetime achievement honors...

Cont.

Nightmare Fuel

I saw a video yesterday by a band named Pistol Youth and I'm gonna post it here for you all. I like the song well enough, I suppose, but once you get a glimpse of the screenshot, you'll understand that they could be covering Rhinestone Cowboy (my most hated of songs by my most hated of singers) and I'd still love the video. Even if it is totes creepy.


Pistol Youth - In My Eyes from Pistol Youth on Vimeo.

Go, Amy Adams, Go

The Oscar nominations were announced earlier this morning. No big surprises, I reckon. Heath Ledger got a posthumous nod on the one year anniversary of his death; Wall-E made the cut for best animated feature; Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet are both up for best actress once more...Against that chick from the Princess Diaries...

OK then.

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" led all films at the nominations for the 81st annual Academy Awards Thursday morning, picking up 13

The film, about a man who ages backwards, earned nods for best picture, best director (David Fincher), best actor (Brad Pitt) and best adapted screenplay, as well as several other picks.

"The Dark Knight," the year's top-grossing film, earned a best supporting actor nomination for the late Heath Ledger but was shut out of other major categories.

The nominees for best picture are "Frost/Nixon," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Milk," "Slumdog Millionaire" and "The Reader."

The nominees for best actor are Sean Penn ("Milk"), Frank Langella ("Frost/Nixon"), Mickey Rourke ("The Wrestler"), Richard Jenkins ("The Visitor") and Brad Pitt ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button").

The nominees for best actress are Kate Winslet ("The Reader"), Anne Hathaway ("Rachel Getting Married"), Meryl Streep ("Doubt"), Angelina Jolie ("Changeling") and Melissa Leo ("Frozen River")....

Clickety Pop for the rest of the major nominations.

We Can't See You, You Daft Cow...

I've had Rocketman by Elton John stuck in my head all day. Usually, this is the part where I post the song to get it out of my head. Not today.

Now, if you know me, you might be thinking I'm gonna post that video of William Shatner singing Rocketman at that sci-fi awards show instead, 'cuz you know I love that video more than almost as much as I love my own child. I would have, if not for my mother. I happened to mention to her which earworm I'm currently suffering from and she reminded me of something we saw a few years back on the Graham Norton show.

See, Graham had Elton on as a guest and they got to talking about Rocketman. Graham had heard of this odd fellow who referred to himself as-duh-Rocket Man, who had this thing about wanting to have sex in a zero gravity environment. Graham seems to enjoy making his show as interactive as possible for his guests, so they called the dude up on the phone...

(Subject matter probably NSFW)

RIP

Ray Dennis Steckler, director and producer of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" and other exploitation pics, who was often credited as Cash Flagg, died Jan. 7 in Las Vegas. He was 70.

His other films included "Wild Guitar," "The Thrill Killers," Batman spoof "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo" and "Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters." In later years, he directed and produced campy porn titles such as "The Horny Vampire" and "Debbie Does Las Vegas." He also worked under other pseudynoms such as Sven Christian. He also produced a documentary on his former wife, actress Carolyn Brandt.

Born in Reading, Penn., he served in the Army and got his start in Hollywood as a cinematographer on films such as "Wild Ones on Wheels." He also acted in many of his films.

He later ran a video business in Las Vegas where he continued working on film projects.

He is survived by his wife Katherine, four daughters and two grandchildren.

Variety

While I Wait For the Black Eyed Peas to Cook...

NYD