Thursday, January 29, 2009

Oh For The Love Of Green Jelly Beans....

For the past week or so, the internet has been awash in a certain set of pictures and it has set off a rather heated and retarded debate. I'm no expert on such things, but I'd like to weigh in with a feeble photo essay of sorts.

To begin:

This is one of the results of a GIS of "World's fattest woman". As you can see, she's little more than a head and meaty tree trunk arms set atop what has become something akin to a flesh mattress. She can't get up and perform basic everyday functions. In other words-she's morbidly obese.

Next up:

This is what you get when you Google "Fat woman". As evidenced by the fact that she's sitting up and is at least able to ATTEMPT to dress herself, she isn't quite in the same boat as Random Lady #1.

Now these 2 are Mia Tyler and Chloe Marshall, respectively:

Mia is a former plus-size model and daughter of that fish-lipped dude from Aerosmith. Chloe is the British chick who caused a stir last year when she became the first size 16 contestant in the Miss England contest. Neither are obese, but if not for the fact that they otherwise won the genetic lotto, they would be considered by some (if not most) to be fat, or at the very least, overweight. I think they look great, but that's neither here nor there.

This is my current girl-crush Christina Hendricks:

Christina plays sexpot secretary Joan Holloway on "Mad Men". She's what you call "curvy", seeing as how while she's not a size 2 (her driver's license on the show says she's 5'8, 140 pounds-a heifer, by Hollywood standards), she's insanely well-proportioned.

Now we come to the reason for this post:

This is Jessica Simpson, occasional pop starlet/reality show star/tabloid fodder/bane of the existence of most Dallas Cowboys fans. This is what it looks like when a thin-to-average woman wears the most unflattering outfit in the history of clothing. She's not morbidly obese, fat, or plus-sized and despite her ample chest area, she doesn't really qualify for curvy. Those pants would make Allegra Versace look like Dom Deluise, for god's sake.

So to sum up: while she may have put on 5 or 10 pounds, Jessica Simpson is not ready to become a member of the Fatty-Boom-Balatty club. She just can't dress for shit.

Any questions?