Tuesday, July 17, 2007

An Open Letter to Val Kilmer

I'm watching a Maury "My daughter is a mean little whore" episode, and it has put me in a foul mood. The reason I say that right up front is because I'm going to pick on you a tad, and I don't normally pick on people based on their appearance. I mean, I DO, but I try to avoid doing it where people can read/hear it, but I'm pissed right now, and when I'm pissed, my sense of decorum goes right out the window.
So, I'm watching this Maury episode and farting around on the internet, and I come across a photo of you. You know, I realize that not everyone is perfect (I'm sure as hell not), and that age does things to a person: they get wrinkles, get fat, go grey, etc.

It would seem that you opted for "get fat":

I wouldn't point this out based on this photo alone, I mean, your head's turned and it could just be an unfortunate angle. BUT there's this:

And THIS (my favorite):

...To back all of it up.

Val, sweetie, you're an actor, a damn good one at that, but still, your main job is to look pretty for our entertainment. You're not one of those character actors who can get away with looking like shit (Tombstone notwithstanding-you were GREAT in that, BTW: I say that "Huckleberry" shit ALL the TIME.) Remember how you looked in Top Gun? That beach volleyball scene was something to behold, in fact I wouldn't be saying any of this if you weren't so damned hot before. I know, I know, that was 20 years ago and you're much older now, but look at Jane Fonda-the woman is 70 and she still looks fantastic. Yes, I know some of it is due to surgery, but most of what she has going on you can't get from a doctor.

You seem to spend a lot of time at the beach-go swimming. Or surfing. Get off of your increasingly fat ass and do SOMETHING besides making out with skanky chicks. If not for yourself and your health, then do it for the people who have to look at you.

Then again, in that most recent photo, you look happy, so perhaps the added poundage has diminished your unrepentant assholishness, for which you are so noted. And I guess if you can't be as hot as you once were, being a nice and decent person would be enough to make up for it. But I doubt that's the case, so lose some weight.

I guess that's all have to say, so Mazel Tov, tubby and after seeing the wetsuit photograph again I would like to add: good luck hunting down the guy who stole your bukkit.

Warmest regards...