Wednesday, February 07, 2007

Make it Stop

I have an admission to make: I am not the fearless wonder that I'd like you all to think I am. Sure, I have all the obvious, general fears that most normal people develop over time, if they have enough sense, but I've also got one completely ridiculous, pointless fear that has recently been at the forefront of my psyche due to seeing variations on this ad all over the internet:

Photobucket - Video and Image Hosting

You know, I love horror movies, I imagine I've made that pretty clear by now. I don't generally get scared when I watch them, no nightmares, sleeping with the lights on, that sort of thing. Some have certainly made me uneasy, I can be grossed out on occasion, and I'll even squeeze out a grimace if something on screen looks particularly painful, but overall, horror doesn't, well, HORRIFY me. However, when you throw a dummy into the mix, the deal's off-I'm OUT.

I can pinpoint the approximate time when this whole fear started. I was about 4 years old, and that movie 'Magic' with Anthony Hopkins had just come out. I don't remember the specific details, but supposedly, I saw an ad for it and was a bit disturbed. It makes sense to a degree-the ad was considerably creepy (I think I posted it here awhile back), and even the most brave soul has to admit that there's something OFF about those damn dolls. It should have ended there, but my sister, being the type of person she is, instead of comforting me, went out and purchased a Magic poster, and promptly tacked it up on her wall and the ghoulish spectre of Magic's bug-eyed, wooden visage caused my young self no end of consternation and pain.


I know WHEN it all started, but I'm fuzzy on the WHY. What is it about these inanimate pint-sized balls of varnished evil that bothers me so? Is it the eyes? The movable mandible? The thin little ankles? Do I think one is going to break into my house and give me splinters or something? Mr. Marbles?

There's no logical basis for this fear, and that irks me. Most fears have some basis in reality, eg: you have a fear of heights because you're afraid you're going to fall and kill yourself; you're afraid of small, confined spaces because you're afraid of running out of oxygen and suffocating; you're afraid of the dark because they're might be a deranged killer lurking in the shadows that you can't see who's going to cut your guts out and wear them as a jaunty hat-all of these things can and do occur (what, you've never heard of the Jaunty Hat murderer? It was in all the papers, I swear) But unless I'm mistaken, no one has ever been assaulted by a sentient dummy (and if they have, I really don't want to know about it, thank you).

Despite the fact that I know the chances of me dying at the hands of a puppet are slim to nil, I'm still unable to quell my fear. Perhaps I should go see Dead Silence when it comes out and face my semi-phobia head on. I mean, it can't be that scary, since it was made by the same folks who made the Saw movies, and Saw was a gay romp as far as I'm concerned. Really, I defy you to name me one single frightening thing about it...

Uh, Besides That.