The Return of the Not-So Magnificent One

Well hello there. Remember me? She of the red hair and smart of mouth? Yeah I didn't think so.

Oh, I joke to hide the pain.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been busy with things and I've also been too busy stewing in my own brain juice to deal with the things with which I'm supposed to have been busy. (That may have been more grammatically correct than ending the sentence with a preposition, but it was painful to write.) My briny mind goo is still in a state of flux, so I can't say I'll be posting regularly again any time soon. However, I'm having a decent enough afternoon that I thought it might be nice to stop by and scoot the dead people posts further down on the page.

I suppose I should have actually come up with something to say before I decided to do this...

Wait. I've got it. A game, let's play a game. Okay. Now. Here's two photos. One of these is the dear departed Pepper McQueen Ross. The other is her youngest daughter, Pickles. See who can be the first to tell me which is which:





I am not a professional scientist, so I'm afraid I cannot offer to clone any of your pets for you. I just got lucky, if not a little creeped out.

Well, that wasn't as substantial as I'd originally thought it would be. Hmm. Okay, how about this, I'll give you a couple of links to poke at and ponder and/or discuss at your leisure? Does that work? It's been so long, I've forgotten how to behave on my own blog. SAD.

Topic 1-Yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question.

Topic 2-Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Cheeks.

As you may have been able to glean by now, I've sort of crapped out with the movie posts. What can I say? I haven't even really watched any movie at all lately, much less paid enough attention to write about one. I think the last movie I watched was 'Perfect Stranger' with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, which, while not very good, was neither a horror movie, nor truly bad enough to be considered scary.

En Eee Weigh, I do have some scariness to impart upon you all. Is it Tara Reid's ass?

Noooo.

Is it the fact that This woman is legally entitled to vote?

Nope.

It's this little boy. I can't in good conscience make fun of a child-I'm not that much of an asshole. But I will say that he creeps me the hell out, which could be construed as a compliment. Congrats, cheeky young man.

Wrongest Doll Evar

Okay, like, so Harper's sick so I haven't had a chance to watch anything, hence no new movie posts. Fine, that's only partly true. She is sick (as in, she got sick last night and is better today, mostly), but the reason there's been no new posts is because I'm a lazy sack. In my defense, I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm a total slug, so the blame falls on anyone who's expected something more from me. In sum: it's YOUR fault I haven't posted anything, not mine. My logic is a bit peculiar, but it works for me. You'll accept it and by god you'll like it.

I've taken time out of our iCarly marathon (Harper likes it, not me. I've never watched it voluntarily or anything...Who are you to judge me?) to give you a semi-spooky post. "Spooky" may be overstating things but it's definitely creepy and just plain odd. Dolls that use the terlet are weird enough, but this one is in a league by itself.

The Princess is in Another Castle

I had planned to watch a movie this weekend and post about it for my 80s movies dealybobber, but I ended up falling under the thrall of "The Dark Knight" instead. Sooooo. I have no 80s movie to post about today.

I will get to it tomorrow or the next day, so until then, enjoy some weirdness courtesy of the Best of Craigslist.

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then...

It's Official: I'm a Mutant

Fear me.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I managed to break one of my upper right premolars. I held off doing anything about it for a couple months, until it eroded enough that the nerve became exposed and I was praying for death. So I went to the dentist and had him yank it out. No fuss, no muss-that was the end of that, right?

Nuh uh.

This morning I felt this weird not-quite-pain where the premolar once was. I ran my tongue across it and I felt something hard. I thought maybe I had a piece of food stuck in there so I poked at it with my finger (and looked damn classy while doing so, I must say) and it didn't budge. So I go get a mirror and take a look and sure enough, there's a new got-dang tooth springing up in my 31 year-old mouth.

Before anyone says it: it wasn't a baby tooth. I did all my tooth losing and growing when I was still in elementary school. So the only other possible explanation is that I'm just a freak of nature. It's weird enough that I don't have any underarm hair (nada, nothing, not even fuzz. Not that I mind), now I've got unexpected replacement choppers forming.

Hell, maybe it's some kind of strange karmic reward. I've always gone out of my way to practice proper oral hygiene, and aside from breaking the tooth to begin with, I've never had any problems with my teeth-not one cavity (we'll just gloss over the wisdom teeth chapter of "My Adventures With Dentistry"). That's more comforting than the other explanation, which is that I've become something akin to a sideshow attraction and will soon have to start hanging out with the bearded lady (mom?) and the beloved Bat Boy.

Actually, that would be a pretty sweet deal, so I guess I win either way.

Filmed in Glorious Sphinctervision

I thought about posting a movie today like I used to, but I couldn't find one that suited my mood. Instead, I'm just posting an old music video.

I'd say something about it, but I'm too flabbergasted to come up with a description. All I can say is it would take some cheese of epic proportions to replace The Shatner's spectacular(ly bad) cover of Rocket Man in my heart. This doesn't quite cut it, but I'd say Telly has come closer than anyone ever will.

But I Don't LIKE Thousand Island...

I haven't posted anything really weird in quite some time (or anything at all, come to think of it. What can I say? I've got the post-holiday lazies) and I miss it. I like posting songs and movie stuff, but more than anything, I'm fascinated by oddball people and the monkeyshit crazy things that they do. Or want to do, in this case.

I don't know what to say about this thing I'm going to post. Aside from not wanting to spoil it before anyone's read it, it's just one of those "WTFF" things, and while I have many questions milling about in my head over it, I'm too nonplussed to put all of them into word form. I mean, without giving all of it away, is there actually a woman out there who would want to spend time with some nut she's never met when the only thing she'll come away with is an empty colon and a striking similarity to Bob Geldof in The Wall? Well, actually, after all that rich holiday food, an empty colon is looking pretty good right about now...

But I digress.

I'm going to post a link to the thing instead of posting the text here, because quite frankly I don't want anyone finding their way here while looking for something like that. I get enough drop-ins via kooky search terms to suit me, thankyouverymuch (on a related note: I'd like to help the woman who wants to be a 'little slut for her man' and I could probably come up with some advice had I more information about your situation. However, I don't think you're going to find what you need in a post about one of my dogs. My apologies and I wish you and your fella much luck in contacting your inner whore. Just stay away from my pets.)

And now, for my inaugural post of 2008, I not-so-proudly present:

A Very Complicated Request, Please Kindly Read

Edumacashun Time

I was going to post a full length motiooooon pictuuuuuure like I do every saturday, but I just wasn't feeling it today. I hunted Google Video for quite awhile, looking for something interesting, and nothing really grabbed my attention, so I gave up.

I know what you all are thinking:"If you're not posting a movie, what in hell are you going on about, you jackass?" Well, in the first place-don't be calling me a jackass, mkay? In the second place, I AM posting a movie....Kind of.

After I gave up the quest for a movie, I ended up watching a bunch of those educational shorts from the 50s, 60s, and 70s. I stumbled upon a couple of those super-fabulous VD films that were so prevalent back in the day. Well, I don't know about you, but when I think "VD" I automatically think of my 8th grade history teacher....


Um, perhaps I should elaborate on that a tad further.


My 8th grade history teacher, (who, for the purposes of this discussion will henceforth be reffered to as 'Coach Stevens') was a pretty cool cat, if not the most effective of educators. I honestly wasn't taught anything in his class that I still remember. What I DO remember about his class, is that he always let us watch films, movies and tv shows. I realize that most teachers resort to an educational film every now and again, but that's just it: the majority of things that we watched in Coach Stevens class HAD no value, and it wasn't "every now and again" it was ALL THE TIME. You think I'm kidding, or I'm embelishing the truth a little bit, don't you? OK, let me put my hand on a metaphorical bible, and swear to you, that the very first episode of Married:With Children that I ever watched, I saw in Coach Stevens class-I shit you not-and it also wasn't the last episode I watched in there, either.

As for the actual full-length movies, I can't remember all of them, but off the top of my head, I remember at least 2 of the Indiana Jones movies (that could be considered somewhat historical, if you're really, really reaching), Stand By Me, and that piece of Kevin Costner crapola, Field of Dreams. Much as I hate FoD, it does have a scintilla of academic value (the whole Black Sox scandal), but if you can attach any sort of scholastic merit to SBM, which I loved, you have something seriously wrong with you.

There was one film, out of the many that we watched in Coach Stevens class, that holds a special place in my memory. You see, Coach Stevens also taught a high school health class, and naturally, they had occasion to watch some of those VD films. Out of all the films that he undoubtedly showed the health class, this was the only one we got to watch in 8th grade history.

What makes this VD film so special? So unique? Well, it's an ANIMATED educational film about venereal disease from DISNEY. I remember our class of 14 year olds, howling like chimpanzees at the absurdity that was displayed before us. The only thing I can think of that even comes close to how surreal this whole thing is, are the VD puppets from Chapelle's Show. It is an absolute good.

Watch it, and send out a vibe of thanks to Coach Stevens, who, incidentally, is still teaching-you can sleep better at night knowing that.

Oh My.....

A-HAHAHAHAHAHA!! Ohhhhh.... Ahem. I wasn't going to post another list for a week. I figure that I tend to go overboard with them, so I've decided to start pacing myself, but I saw this, and I couldn't resist. Could. Not. Resist.

Considering how much I love bad movies, I guess it's only natural that I would also love bad lists, and this one is a doozy. This guy has made a list of 10 great American TV series. Now, you won't find anything like Twin Peaks, The Simpsons, MASH, or any other crap like that-madness to even think those are good shows-what's wrong with you? However, you will find stuff like The Fall Guy and Manimal. The Hoff even makes an appearance.

Keep in mind that it is not my intention to mean-spiritedly mock the guy who posted this-it's obvious that where he lives, these shows haven't been off the air that long, or they are just getting some of them, and most likely, these are the only type of shows they get (I'm HOPING that's the case, anyway). I think the whole thing is quaint, and kinda cute. Mine is a gentle, friendly mocking.

You know I'm falling all over myself to check the archives for any other lists. You better believe it.

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