Sunday Music Dump

Of Maude and Midichlorian

Before I start, let me say that I promise this will be my last Christmas related post. This year.

Onward we go.

I've taken a break from my normal Christmas Eve routine of cleaning and watching cartoons to bring you a video. My intentions were to post the MST3k version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but they only had it on YouTube and it was broken up into a bunch of different parts. Piss on that.

I did some more searching and I came across something better (well, not better than MST3k-that's crazy talk), or possibly worse depending on your outlook. I'm not going to say much about it, mainly because I've never had the pleasure of watching it. However, if everything I've heard is true, I'm certain to like it, much like I like the films of one Edward D. Wood Jr.

Ladies and gentlemen, my gift to you (and to myself) this Christmas is the infamous "Star Wars Holiday Special", starring Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford and...Bea Arthur. Come for the Force, stay for the Bea.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Sunday Music Dump

Crazy Christmas Redux

Before I switched gears on the mentally ill xmas carols post, I went hunting for an appropriate picture to go with it. I couldn't find one that suited me, but I did find a bunch of odd Christmas music album covers, enough that I thought it warranted it's own post. I'm probably wrong, and it DOESN'T warrant it's own post, but I've never let that stop me before.

Nothing very special about this one, but it's Liberace, therefore campy, therefore it's going in:





This one comes with a complimentary cheeseburger:





I don't know what's going on here:





"Mom! Call the cops, The Temptations are peeping in the windows again!"





This one isn't so strange on the surface (in fact, I quite like the Ronettes), but the words "A Christmas Gift For You, From Phil Spector" made me guffaw:




I just plain want this one:




And finally, Oooh you're gonna buy my Christmas album, ohhh:

Christmas CarLOLs

I read a Daily Mail article yesterday about a magazine that's edited by mental health patients that's caused a bit of a to-do. See, they published a list of Christmas carols with tweaked titles that take a little piss out of various psychological maladies. The problem is, some woman with a big ol' stick up her butt has pitched a fit and made them pull the list because she got all offended or something. Blogger won't let me link the article for some reason, but it's just your basic bloated, hokey Daily Mail story, so it's no big deal. The only good part of the story is the list of carols, and I'm a-put it here for your convenience, plus it makes me laugh, which is the important thing.

You're a Star-bellied Sneetch, You Suck Like a Leech

This week we're voting for best children's book over on Hispanic Time and it's made me a tad nostalgic. It took a fair amount of deliberation before I decided which one I was going to vote for-The Chronicles of Narnia. Even though once I decided I was 100% sure of my choice, my thoughts kept returning to another story-Dr. Seuss' 'The Sneetches'. I loved The Sneetches when I was a tot and I fell in love with it again when I got in the habit of reading it to Harper when SHE was a tot, or more tot-like than she is now (she's only 9; still a baby. To me.)

The Sneetches is a simple, humorous tale that highlights the pointlessness of conformity. It's also a neat little allegory about the idiocy of racism, kinda like that old Star Trek episode about the black and white cookie-lookin' people, only the Sneetches stop short of trying to kill each other, and there's no Shatner. It's a nice way to introduce young children to the ideas of tolerance and individuality, if you're into that kind of thing.

While The Sneetches is by no means obscure, it's not up there with your 'Green Eggs and Ham"s and your "One Fish, Two Fish..."s in terms of Dr. Seuss books, so I'm going to post the text here for the poor souls who are unfamiliar with it. It's the holidays, I'm feeling all generous and shit.

"The Sneetches"-By Dr. Seuss

Now, the Star-Bell Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars.
Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small.
You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.”
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!”
And, whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
They’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball,
Could a Plain Belly get in the game? Not at all.
You only could play if your bellies had stars
And the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.

When the Star Belly Sneetches had frankfurter roasts
Or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
They never invited the Plain-Belly Sneetches
They left them out cold, in the dark of the beaches.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then ONE day, it seems while the Plain-Belly Sneetches
Were moping and doping alone on the beaches,
Just sitting there wishing their bellies had stars,
A stranger zipped up in the strangest of cars!

“My friends”, he announced in a voice clear and clean,
“My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
And I’ve heard of Your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that, I’m the Fix-It-Up Chappie.

I’ve come here to help you.
I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work with great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!”

Then, quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
Put together a very peculiar machine.
And he said, “You want stars like a Star-Belly Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them for three dollars each!”

“Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!”
So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked.
And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!
When the Plain-Belly Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did. They had stars upon thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had stars at the start,
“We’re still the best Sneetches and they are the worst.
But now, how in the world will we know”, they all frowned,
“If which kind is what, or the other way round?”

Then up came McBean with a very sly wink.
And he said, “Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don’t know who’s who. That is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends. Do you know what I’ll do?
I’ll make you, again, the best Sneetches on the beaches.
And all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches.”

“Belly stars are no longer in style”, said McBean.
“What you need is a trip through my Star-Off Machine.
This wondrous contraption will take OFF your stars
so you won’t look like Sneetches that have them on thars.”
And that handy machine working very precisely
Removed all the stars from their tummies quite nicely.

Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about.
And they opened their beaks and they let out a shout,
“We know who is who! Now there Isn’t a doubt.
The best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without!”

Then, of course, those with stars got all frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star was frightfully bad.
Then, of course, old Sylvester McMonkey McBean
invited THEM into his Star-Off Machine.

Then, of course from THEN on, as you probably guess,
Things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.
Off again! On again! In again! Out again!
Through the machines they raced round and about again,

Changing their stars every minute or two. They kept paying money.
They kept running through until the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
Whether this one was that one or that one was this one. Or which one
Was what one or what one was who.

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie packed up. And he went.
And he laughed as he drove In his car up the beach,
“They never will learn. No. You can’t Teach a Sneetch!”

But McBean was quite wrong. I’m quite happy to say.
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches.
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether
They had one, or not, upon thars.

Sunday Music Dump

I Believe the Children Are Our Future...And it Scares Me

I was sorting through my computer files this weekend, and I came across a thingamabob that I'd saved with the intention of posting it at some point. What this thingamabob is, is a sampling of questions from Teen Health FX, which for the most part is a fairly straightforward site devoted to answering questions and promoting awareness on a variety of topics related to teenagers, with an emphasis on drug and sex issues.

Here's the deal, though. As has become apparent to anyone with a lick of sense and an internet connection, teenagers are getting dumber by the day and the questions that I've collected from THFX are glaring, painful proof of that. While most of the THFX questions are your run-of-the-mill Seventeen Magazine-style "I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do" or "It burns when I pee-HELP!" queries, the ones I'm posting make me fear for the future of humanity. Or they would if I wasn't so busy laughing my ass off.

Read and enjoy. Then go have a long talk with the nearest young person in your life.




Dear TeenHealthFX,
I think I'm pregnant! I'm only 17 and don't know what to do, I'm not sure because if I am pregnant I have drank and smoke since then would the baby be dead from this?


Dear TeenHealthFX,
Can you get pregnant by doing it up the butt?


(Ow)

Dear TeenHealthFX,
Me and my boyfriend (online) have cyberish phonish sex, I use a pool stick and he masturbates and we imagine its each other, and we talk on the mic while we do it, and he tells me in and out, is this a form of real sex? Am I still a virgin or not? I did pop my cherry when I first did it, also is this in anyway dangerous to my health?

(Aww?)

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am a 15-year-old girl and have never had sex. I masturbate by putting a teddy bear into me. Is this normal? Can I get pregnant or STD's? Please help me! I will stop if it is dangerous, but it feels so good.

(Ew)

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I have small PAINFULL lumps in my vagina. I have never had sex. The tops of the lumps are black and greenish. WHAT COULD THIS BE??? I am really scared.

(Uhh)

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm a 19-year-old gay male. I've a gay partner and we often indulge into anal sex. My worry is that will my partner get pregnant? Please help me with this

And my personal favorite:

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I wanted to know what it was called if you tried to have sex with a tree?

Sunday Music Dump

Sunday Music Dump

Obligitory Thanksgiving Post

I watched a Charlie Brown Thanksgiving earlier this evening, much as I do every year, and as always I came away with more questions than answers. For instance: Snoopy prepares a lavish feast of pretzels, jellybeans, and enough toast and popcorn to nourish a small country. Why that food? I mean, how much more trouble would it have been to shove a turkey in the oven? Not that hard. And you already had all that toast-add some broth and celery and go ahead and make the damn dressing.

And what's up with those kids? Do they not have homes to go to? That butchy Peppermint Patty just straight-up invited herself and an arseload of other kids to Charlie Brown's house and expected him to feed them and then had the gall to complain when the meal wasn't up to her standards. Then Charlie Brown remembered that he and Sally had to go to his Grandmother's house to eat and got all worried about being a bad host so he invited those ungrateful shits to go with him-which I'm sure they didn't appreciate. Seriously man, no wonder he became a surly heroin addict.

You know what, though? Now that I think about it, Snoopy did make a turkey for himself and Woodstock there at the end, so perhaps he made the crappy meal as revenge for Patty's rudeness. Maybe ol' Snoop is smarter than I thought. 'Course, that brings up a new set of questions, not the least of which is why in the hell Woodstock would eat turkey, since he's also a bird, which would kinda make him a cannibal.

Anyway...

I'm going to be busy the next couple of days, so I figured I'd go ahead and get a holiday post up. I don't have much to say other than my scathing indictment of A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving, and so I bring you This (and this, this, and this-sorry, it's in four parts), which is arguably the most classic Thanksgiving episode of any TV show, ever (and no, it's not a CB Thanksgiving.)

If I don't post anything between now and Thursday-and I don't know why I would-I would like to wish everyone a Happy Thanksgiving!

Sunday Music Dump

That's 2 and a Half Hours I'll Never Get Back

For some inexplicable reason I rented Transformers from Netflix about a month ago, and I finally forced myself to watch it last night. I honestly don't know why I had the urge to check it out, other than the fact that I think Shia LaBeouf has turned into quite the handsome and somewhat talented young man. That doesn't completely explain it though, because it generally takes more than a crush to get me to watch something (case in point: Stephen Colbert had a role in the Bewitched remake, and to paraphrase Meatloaf, I would do anything for love, but I won't watch that.) So, why?

-I don't attach any kind of nostalgic signifigance to the Transformers; I never had any of the toys and I never watched the cartoon, so that wasn't a factor.

-The movie was directed by Michael Bay and as far as I'm concerned, the world would be a much better place if he never stepped behind a camera ever again, so lord knows I wasn't expecting some stellar film viewing experience.

-The rest of the cast was kind bleh, so that ain't it either (in all fairness, I did not know before watching the movie that Hugo Weaving was the voice of Megatron, so that was a nice bonus. And the Buffy nerd in me is always pleased to see Tom Lenk-aka Andrew-in anything, and that helped dull the pain a little as well.) But Jon Voight? Josh Duhammel? Megan Fox, who just may be the shittiest actress alive? No, no and NO.

I'll never know why I rented it, and I'll never know why I forced myself to sit through the WHOLE THING. 2 hours and 33 minutes I devoted to this movie, and that's not counting the days I actually had it in the house before watching it. 2 hours and 33 minutes of Michael Bay fellating the military industrial complex and slobbering over Megan Fox's stomach. 2 hours and 33 minutes of lame jokes (a dog pees on one of the Autobots-TEH FUNNY! No one in the movie can pronounce Shia's character's last name, Witwicky, correctly-OW! My sides!) and overdone explosions. 2 hours and 33 minutes of "Optimus Prime is kinda cool and Shia IS cute, but Jesus Harold Christ, this movie is STUPID!"

Oy.

RIP

I went through an odd phase when I was about 15 or 16, which consisted of me reading every Ira Levin novel that I could get my hands on (I liked This one the bestest). Since then, I'd say I read at least one of his books a year and I enjoy them just as much now as I did all those many years ago. To say that I'm a fan would be a pretty fair assessment.

To say that I'm totally bummed out would also be a pretty fair assessment.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Ira Levin, author of the best-selling horror and suspense novels "Rosemary's Baby," "The Stepford Wives" and "The Boys from Brazil," all later made into popular films, has died at age 78, according to media reports.

The New York Times reported that Levin died on Monday at his Manhattan home. It quoted his son Nicholas as saying the death was apparently of natural causes.

"Rosemary's Baby," about a woman who believes she has been impregnated by the devil, was published in 1967 and made into an Oscar-winning movie the following year starring Mia Farrow and directed by Roman Polanski.

Levin's 1972 novel "The Stepford Wives" involved husbands in a Connecticut town replacing their wives with submissive robots. It was twice adapted by Hollywood -- a 1975 film starring Katharine Ross, and a 2004 version with Nicole Kidman.

"The Boys From Brazil," published in 1976, featured the infamous Nazi doctor, Josef Mengele, seeking to clone a new Third Reich. The 1978 film version starred Gregory Peck and Laurence Olivier. Levin's first novel, "A Kiss Before Dying," published in 1953, was twice made into movies.

Levin also wrote for the stage, including "No Time for Sergeants," starring a young Andy Griffith, and the long-running "Deathtrap." Both were later adapted to the screen.

Yahoo News

Sunday Music Dump

It Was the Boogeyman

Our final movie for this month is:



1978's Halloween (You were expecting something else?)

Starring: Donald Pleasence, Jamie Lee Curtis, Nancy Kyes, P.J. Soles, Charles Cyphers and Kyle Richards. Directed by John Carpenter

Whazzit about?: Michael Myers has been in an institution since he was a young boy, after murdering his sister. Now he's escaped and is heading back home to terrorize the quiet community which still remembers him.

Type of horror: Slasher

How it is: I'm physically incapable of saying anything bad about Halloween-I think it's THAT good.

"It's Halloween, everyone's entitled to one good scare": I am watching the movie right this minute, and it just showed the part where Laurie Strode is cowering in the corner, and you see Michael Myers emerge from the darkness just a few feet away, ever so slowly (see the above photo for a reference point.) Even if you ignore everything else in the movie, that scene alone is enough to get Halloween stamped with the 'scary' tag.

Well, that, and the part where she's trying to get away from him, and she's trying to get into the house, but the door is LOCKED and stuff and she can't get IN, and he's like RIGHT BEHIND HER, and she's yelling for the kid to open the DOOR, and it's taking him FOREVER and it made me pee my PANTS a little. For serious, if they'd based the whole film around just those 2 scenes, they would have had a scary-albeit short and confusing-movie, but they didn't. They decided to be super-nice and they threw a whole bunch of other creepifying stuff in there to fill it out, making Halloween one of the greatest horror movies EV-AR.

Highlights: The music:

When I checked Blog Music the other day to see if they had that song (which they did, obviously), I put my headphones on and checked to see if it worked, and swear to god, I kept looking over my shoulder the entire time it was playing to see if anyone was coming at me. It's a very, very effective little tune and it damn near made the movie.

Where it be?: There it be!

I Said "Strong Christian Overtones!"

Last year around Halloween, I posted "It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown" and it made me happy. This year though, I've decided to move into the 21st century since apparently The young kids ain't 'down' with Snoopy no mo, and I live in abject horror of becoming irrelevant (actually I don't, but I've got a momentum going here.) So this Halloween I'm taking it to the next level and posting a SPOOF of "ITGPCB". Enjoy some Robot Chicken on this fine All Hallows Eve afternoon, and I'll be back later tonight with my final horror movie post.

My Family's Always Been in Meat

Today's movie is:



1974's The Texas Chainsaw Massacre

Starring: Marilyn Burns, Allen Danziger, Paul A. Partain, William Vail, Teri McMinn and Gunnar Hansen. Directed by Tobe Hooper

Plot: Five friends visiting their grandpa's old house are hunted down and terrorized by a chainsaw wielding killer and his family of grave-robbing cannibals.

Type of horror: Splatter

Any good?: I liked it, save for one itty bitty detail, which I'll elaborate on directly.

Is it scary?: I'm from Texas, and I grew up being told that TCM was based on a true story (the film claims as much at the beginning, but that's been long since debunked) and that messed with my head a great deal. If you're 8 years old and you have grown-ups whom you trust telling you that a grunting, chainsaw wielding madman once shared your state, and he liked to don a mask made out of man-flesh, chase young teens, carve them up and EAT THEM, it tends to make a young lass uneasy. Thankfully I didn't actually SEE the film until after I'd been disabused of that nonsense, but it's still pretty terrifying.

Highlights: It's a small thing, but I liked the fact that Marilyn Burns, the lead chick, was monkeyshit crazy by the end of the movie. They could have had her play it all calm and filmogenic (what, filmogenic is a word. It doesn't mean what I'm implying it means but who says words can't evolve?), but they decided to go the realistic route and show how a person actually would respond to being subjected to those kinds of shenanigans.

Lowlights: I think this is the first time I've done a lowlights section, but something in TCM begs for it to be created: The character of Franklin, the whiny, obnoxious, annoying wheelchair-bound brother of Burns' character. I hated Franklin so much that, the first time I watched it-sorry to be all spoilery-when he got killed, I actually stood up and pointed at the TV Nelson Muntz-style and went "HAW-HAW!" No one else was in the room to hear my outburst, which makes me look really pathetic, but that doesn't make it any less true...

Where?: Here

Host With the Most

I've had a super-busy weekend, I'm tired, and Harper's birthday is today, so I don't particularly feel like (nor have the time to devote to) posting about a movie today. Instead, you get NOTHING! Good day, sir!



I'm kidding of course.

I ran across this video the other day of a special that was on American Movie Classics back in 2004-"20: Entertainment Weekly's Scariest Movies" and I thought I'd get it up on the ol' blog, since it pertains to what I've been doing. Well, that, and it gives me a chance to foist Bruce Campbell onto the more unsuspecting of my readers (he's the host of the special.)

I can't tell you much about the special. I watched it when it first aired, but I don't remember much about it, except Bruce refers to Wilford Brimley as an "Unstoppable killing machine" and there's an interview with Michael Rooker of "Henry" fame and he doesn't slaughter the interviewer, so based on those 2 things alone, I'm putting "20" in the 'win' column.

You can watch it Here (Google won't let me embed the video. Bastards) and I will return tomorrow.

Sunday Music Dump