Turn Down Your Lights

RIP 1983

2009-06-25T18:26:00.009-05:00

I had planned not to post any RIPs for a while. There for a good bit, it was all I posted and I was getting sick of it. There's still a dead folk moratorium in place, but I think I can relax my rule this one time for the sake of the little girl that still resides in my head that gets the odd urge to listen to Thriller from time to time.

Michael Jackson died today. If you're a young person (loosely defined for the sake of this post as someone who was born after the Berlin Wall came down, or someone who has never been alive at a time when Law and Order wasn't on the air) or possibly an older person who wasn't big on pop music back in the day (eg: my dad), you only know Michael Jackson as that progressively whiter kiddie diddler who wasn't quite right in the head. Points 1 and 3-I'll allow that. Speaking as someone who usually is the first one to assume the worst about a person, even I'm a little skeptical of point 2. Personally I think he was just a woefully naive and damaged man that never had a chance to grow up and was taken advantage of by everyone who came into contact with him.

Maybe I'm biased-I'm not post-L&O or my dad, I'm old (or young) enough to have experienced the whole Jackson juggernaut. When I was about seven years old, I had Thriller on constant rotation (even had the damn thing on an 8-Track) and had a poster of him up on the wall. I remember walking around with a big boom box on the playground at school during recess in the second grade with my friends, "Beat It" blasting for anyone within earshot. And we all loved it. Time passed and we moved on to the next thing. The poster came down and Thriller moved to the back of the cassette caddy. Never gave him anymore than a passing thought after that except when he eventually started popping up on the news instead of MTV. Maybe it was because of that brief period of time back in 1983 when I was in the second grade, but while I didn't like him anymore as a performer, the passing thoughts I had while watching the news weren't judgmental, they were feelings of pity.

That's what I felt today after hearing about the last newsworthy thing he'll ever do: pity. Not pity for his death, but for his life. I think this guy, who entertained countless people of a certain age, got royally screwed for his troubles. He became a physically warped and mentally unstable punchline as a result. Maybe I'm wrong, maybe he did molest those boys. If so, I think karma hit him ten times over and it's not my place to carry any hate for the man.

So it goes...

RIP Michael Jackson.

The Return of the Not-So Magnificent One

2009-06-11T01:47:00.005-05:00

Well hello there. Remember me? She of the red hair and smart of mouth? Yeah I didn't think so.

Oh, I joke to hide the pain.

Sorry for the lack of posts. I've been busy with things and I've also been too busy stewing in my own brain juice to deal with the things with which I'm supposed to have been busy. (That may have been more grammatically correct than ending the sentence with a preposition, but it was painful to write.) My briny mind goo is still in a state of flux, so I can't say I'll be posting regularly again any time soon. However, I'm having a decent enough afternoon that I thought it might be nice to stop by and scoot the dead people posts further down on the page.

I suppose I should have actually come up with something to say before I decided to do this...

Wait. I've got it. A game, let's play a game. Okay. Now. Here's two photos. One of these is the dear departed Pepper McQueen Ross. The other is her youngest daughter, Pickles. See who can be the first to tell me which is which:

I am not a professional scientist, so I'm afraid I cannot offer to clone any of your pets for you. I just got lucky, if not a little creeped out.

Well, that wasn't as substantial as I'd originally thought it would be. Hmm. Okay, how about this, I'll give you a couple of links to poke at and ponder and/or discuss at your leisure? Does that work? It's been so long, I've forgotten how to behave on my own blog. SAD.

Topic 1-Yes, there is such a thing as a stupid question.

Topic 2-Sometimes the cure is worse than the disease.

Dammit. Dammitdammitdammit.

2009-04-25T15:25:00.003-05:00

Beatrice Arthur, the tall, deep-voiced actress whose razor-sharp delivery of comedy lines made her a TV star in the hit shows "Maude" and "The Golden Girls" and who won a Tony Award for the musical "Mame," died Saturday. She was 86.

Arthur died peacefully at her Los Angeles home with her family at her side, family spokesman Dan Watt said. She had cancer, Watt said, declining to give further details.

"She was a brilliant and witty woman," said Watt, who was Arthur's personal assistant for six years. "Bea will always have a special place in my heart."

Arthur first appeared in the landmark comedy series "All in the Family" as Edith Bunker's loudly outspoken, liberal cousin, Maude Finley. She proved a perfect foil for blue-collar bigot Archie Bunker (Carroll O'Connor), and their blistering exchanges were so entertaining that producer Norman Lear fashioned Arthur's own series...

Cont.

Luke, Does This Robe Make Me Look Fat?

2009-04-12T12:28:00.002-05:00

This morning I dragged my ass out of bed at 7am so that I could get myself and my offspring ready for the Passion Play at her church (she goes with my dad on wedensdays and sundays-I, being an amoral heathen, do not attend services.) H was in the play, she got to wear a robe and one of those Iron Sheik looking doohickeys on her head and wave a palm frond around and she did fabulously, of course. I'm very proud of her.

As for me, I actually enjoyed myself, which is a rare occurrence as far as me in church is concerned. But I did, I truly did. Saw some old friends, some current friends, managed to successfully dodge the nosy old church ladies and had a couple of laughs.

On the subject of laughs, I DID almost have an embarrassing moment at what would have been the most inappropriate time EVER. I'm sitting in of those torturous pews watching the play and it's at the part where Jesus is carrying the cross on his back and the Roman soldiers are poking at him with spears and he's miserable and all. It took forever so I start looking around and I notice the tomb that he's gonna pop out of later and there's a big-ass boulder in front of it. For most people this wouldn't prompt laughter, but for me, it almost did.

My mind is an overflowing fount of useless tv and movie trivia. I honestly don't watch much tv now, but I did when I was younger and even now when I see something, it only takes one time and it's lodged in my head forever. I'm not bragging, in fact I'm kind of shamed by it. Not like big, huge shame or anything, more of a "Great, if people didn't think I was a dork BEFORE they will now" kinda shame. No big deal, I guess it's just my cross to bear.

ZING!

But I digress. Anyhoot, I'm sitting there watching Jesus slouch to his doom, see the tomb and I remembered a bit by David Cross when he was on Dr. Katz like 15 years ago. It was a 90 second or so riff on Jesus and of all the times I could have regurgitated it up in my head, it had to happen at THAT MOMENT.

Thankfully somehow, I managed to stifle the laugh-didn't even snort (which would have been worse)-and another cringe inducing interlude in a life filled with such was averted. And THAT my friends, is a real Easter miracle.

Dr. Katz

DVD Exclusive - David Cross on Jesus

Oh I Just Bet You Have, Hot Stuff

2009-03-19T16:04:00.002-05:00

Sorry for the lack of posts-I got stuff going on, in reality and in my own head. I'll be back eventually, I'm sure. 'Til then, enjoy this. God knows I did...

Oh God, Get it Out of My Head...

2009-03-05T16:45:00.000-06:00

Quote of the Day. Oy...

2009-03-03T16:14:00.003-06:00

"Books like this do nothing to alleviate or reduce racism, but have contributed negatively to the school community with me getting the worst impact of its negativity.

"This type of book only creates and incites hate, violence and racism among races due to terms used in them, which are grossly degrading.

"Times have changed. Racist fiction should be buried in the past."

Sigh

Photo of the Day

2009-02-12T15:39:00.005-06:00

I'm not going to get into this mess too deeply on here. I have very specific opinions about this woman, but as I've said before, I like to keep things fairly light and fluffy on this blog and if I voiced those opinions it would get all heavy and...Matted. Or something. So yeah, I'm not gonna get into it. Be that as it may, this picture needs to be seen. Honestly, I felt a strange urge to put cocoa butter on MY stomach after I saw this.

(Source)

I'm curious to see the "After" photo. I didn't get very big when I was pregnant with Harper, but even so, my stomach looked decidedly different just hours after giving birth. You know how latex balloons start to get all puckered and soft after they've been around for awhile? That was the state of my belly for a month or 2 and that was just with one child. I can't fathom what Octopussy's gut looks like after whelping an entire litter. I guess if she can mooch enough money to get her lips inflated, she can weasel some more dough for a tummy tuck. I swear to god this woman just...

No. No. I said I wasn't gonna get into it. I'm not. Light and fluffy, light and fluffy. I'm in my happy place. Calm blue ocean, calm blue ocean...

Twitch

Just Don't Listen to the Lyrics on That Last One..

2009-02-10T17:37:00.005-06:00

That last post I made is kind of a bummer. Who'd think a post about someone dying accompanied by one of the most depressing scenes in movie history would be all melancholyfied? With that in mind I decided I should update and since I'm in a good mood (I know, right? Weird) some happy music would be in order. I'm so goshdarned thoughtful sometimes that it's sickening. For real though-ignore the lyrics on Holland 1945, otherwise this whole thing will all be for naught.

RIP

2009-02-06T19:10:00.003-06:00

Character actor James Whitmore Passed away today at age 87. Those of you who haven't spent as much time watching old tv shows and movies as I have might be going "Who?", but I can assure you, you do know who he was. And if you don't: how the hell have you not seen this movie yet?

Pupdate

2009-02-04T19:36:00.005-06:00

This coming Sunday night/Monday morning, the puppies will be six weeks old. They're mobile, they can see and hear, Maggie has hit the "DO NOT WANT" stage so they're almost completely weaned and they've developed their little personalities. Sam is pretty easy-going and he doesn't so much walk as bounce. Eve is a little tub of lard that whines and whines if she so much as suspects someone is getting some sleep anywhere in the house. Oddly, I'm more partial to Evie. Anyway, they're growing up and will soon be finding new homes leaving me a broken husk of a woman. Oh how time flies, memories like the corners of my mind, sunrise, sunset, the cat's in the cradle and so on.

I've been making attempts to take plenty of photos of them, but it's hard because 1-I have a cheap-ass camera. 2-the little turd machines won't sit still long enough for me to take a clear picture of them. And 3-as is the case with all my dogs, when they do something cute and I run to fetch the camera, they stop whatever cute thing they were doing and either go to sleep, or disgrace themselves on my floor. And that stopped being cute about 3 weeks ago, except for last week when Eve was concentrating REALLY HARD while she was pooping and she lost her footing and fell right over. It was HILARIOUS.

I didn't get a picture of that, sadly, so you'll have to settle for these.

Sam isn't cross-eyed, this was taken shortly after their eyes opened and they hadn't started focusing yet:

Now I had to re-touch this one because it was overexposed (again: cheap-ass camera), but it was such a good picture of Evie's face, I'm putting it in.

Oh For The Love Of Green Jelly Beans....

2009-01-29T19:58:00.014-06:00

For the past week or so, the internet has been awash in a certain set of pictures and it has set off a rather heated and retarded debate. I'm no expert on such things, but I'd like to weigh in with a feeble photo essay of sorts.

To begin:

This is one of the results of a GIS of "World's fattest woman". As you can see, she's little more than a head and meaty tree trunk arms set atop what has become something akin to a flesh mattress. She can't get up and perform basic everyday functions. In other words-she's morbidly obese.

Next up:

This is what you get when you Google "Fat woman". As evidenced by the fact that she's sitting up and is at least able to ATTEMPT to dress herself, she isn't quite in the same boat as Random Lady #1.

Now these 2 are Mia Tyler and Chloe Marshall, respectively:

Mia is a former plus-size model and daughter of that fish-lipped dude from Aerosmith. Chloe is the British chick who caused a stir last year when she became the first size 16 contestant in the Miss England contest. Neither are obese, but if not for the fact that they otherwise won the genetic lotto, they would be considered by some (if not most) to be fat, or at the very least, overweight. I think they look great, but that's neither here nor there.

This is my current girl-crush Christina Hendricks:

Christina plays sexpot secretary Joan Holloway on "Mad Men". She's what you call "curvy", seeing as how while she's not a size 2 (her driver's license on the show says she's 5'8, 140 pounds-a heifer, by Hollywood standards), she's insanely well-proportioned.

Now we come to the reason for this post:

This is Jessica Simpson, occasional pop starlet/reality show star/tabloid fodder/bane of the existence of most Dallas Cowboys fans. This is what it looks like when a thin-to-average woman wears the most unflattering outfit in the history of clothing. She's not morbidly obese, fat, or plus-sized and despite her ample chest area, she doesn't really qualify for curvy. Those pants would make Allegra Versace look like Dom Deluise, for god's sake.

So to sum up: while she may have put on 5 or 10 pounds, Jessica Simpson is not ready to become a member of the Fatty-Boom-Balatty club. She just can't dress for shit.

Any questions?

Pardon the Mess

2009-01-28T15:47:00.003-06:00

I've decided after nearly three years that it's time to tweak my black and blue bruise of a blog. It's time to redecorate. So if you happen to pop in in the next hour or so and notice my color scheme in disarray, fret not. Since I know myself pretty well, I won't discount the idea that I may just say "screwitalltohell" and go back to the old colors, so if you pop back in tomorrow and everything is the same well, don't fret about that either.

We now return to your regularly scheduled afternoon, already in progress.

RIP

2009-01-27T13:59:00.003-06:00

NEW YORK – John Updike, the Pulitzer Prize-winning novelist, prolific man of letters and erudite chronicler of sex, divorce and other adventures in the postwar prime of the American empire, died Tuesday at age 76.

Updike, best known for his four "Rabbit" novels, died of lung cancer at a hospice near his home in Beverly Farms, Mass., according to his longtime publisher, Alfred A. Knopf.

A literary writer who frequently appeared on best-seller lists, the tall, hawk-nosed Updike wrote novels, short stories, poems, criticism, the memoir "Self-Consciousness" and even a famous essay about baseball great Ted Williams.

He released more than 50 books in a career that started in the 1950s, winning virtually every literary prize, including two Pulitzers, for "Rabbit Is Rich" and "Rabbit at Rest," and two National Book Awards.

Although himself deprived of a Nobel, he did bestow it upon one of his fictional characters, Henry Bech, the womanizing, egotistical Jewish novelist who collected the literature prize in 1999.

His settings ranged from the court of "Hamlet" to postcolonial Africa, but his literary home was the American suburb, the great new territory of mid-century fiction.

Born in 1932, Updike spoke for millions of Depression-era readers raised by "penny-pinching parents," united by "the patriotic cohesion of World War II" and blessed by a "disproportionate share of the world's resources," the postwar, suburban boom of "idealistic careers and early marriages."

He captured, and sometimes embodied, a generation's confusion over the civil rights and women's movements, and opposition to the Vietnam War. Updike was called a misogynist, a racist and an apologist for the establishment. On purely literary grounds, he was attacked by Norman Mailer as the kind of author appreciated by readers who knew nothing about writing. Last year, judges of Britain's Bad Sex in Fiction Prize voted Updike lifetime achievement honors...

Cont.

Nightmare Fuel

2009-01-23T15:56:00.004-06:00

I saw a video yesterday by a band named Pistol Youth and I'm gonna post it here for you all. I like the song well enough, I suppose, but once you get a glimpse of the screenshot, you'll understand that they could be covering Rhinestone Cowboy (my most hated of songs by my most hated of singers) and I'd still love the video. Even if it is totes creepy.

Pistol Youth - In My Eyes from Pistol Youth on Vimeo.

Go, Amy Adams, Go

2009-01-22T07:57:00.005-06:00

The Oscar nominations were announced earlier this morning. No big surprises, I reckon. Heath Ledger got a posthumous nod on the one year anniversary of his death; Wall-E made the cut for best animated feature; Meryl Streep and Kate Winslet are both up for best actress once more...Against that chick from the Princess Diaries...

OK then.

"The Curious Case of Benjamin Button" led all films at the nominations for the 81st annual Academy Awards Thursday morning, picking up 13

The film, about a man who ages backwards, earned nods for best picture, best director (David Fincher), best actor (Brad Pitt) and best adapted screenplay, as well as several other picks.

"The Dark Knight," the year's top-grossing film, earned a best supporting actor nomination for the late Heath Ledger but was shut out of other major categories.

The nominees for best picture are "Frost/Nixon," "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button," "Milk," "Slumdog Millionaire" and "The Reader."

The nominees for best actor are Sean Penn ("Milk"), Frank Langella ("Frost/Nixon"), Mickey Rourke ("The Wrestler"), Richard Jenkins ("The Visitor") and Brad Pitt ("The Curious Case of Benjamin Button").

The nominees for best actress are Kate Winslet ("The Reader"), Anne Hathaway ("Rachel Getting Married"), Meryl Streep ("Doubt"), Angelina Jolie ("Changeling") and Melissa Leo ("Frozen River")....

Clickety Pop for the rest of the major nominations.

We Can't See You, You Daft Cow...

2009-01-14T16:50:00.006-06:00

I've had Rocketman by Elton John stuck in my head all day. Usually, this is the part where I post the song to get it out of my head. Not today.

Now, if you know me, you might be thinking I'm gonna post that video of William Shatner singing Rocketman at that sci-fi awards show instead, 'cuz you know I love that video ~~more than~~ almost as much as I love my own child. I would have, if not for my mother. I happened to mention to her which earworm I'm currently suffering from and she reminded me of something we saw a few years back on the Graham Norton show.

See, Graham had Elton on as a guest and they got to talking about Rocketman. Graham had heard of this odd fellow who referred to himself as-duh-Rocket Man, who had this thing about wanting to have sex in a zero gravity environment. Graham seems to enjoy making his show as interactive as possible for his guests, so they called the dude up on the phone...

(Subject matter probably NSFW)

RIP

2009-01-10T09:45:00.004-06:00

Ray Dennis Steckler, director and producer of "The Incredibly Strange Creatures Who Stopped Living and Became Mixed-Up Zombies" and other exploitation pics, who was often credited as Cash Flagg, died Jan. 7 in Las Vegas. He was 70.

His other films included "Wild Guitar," "The Thrill Killers," Batman spoof "Rat Pfink a Boo Boo" and "Lemon Grove Kids Meet the Monsters." In later years, he directed and produced campy porn titles such as "The Horny Vampire" and "Debbie Does Las Vegas." He also worked under other pseudynoms such as Sven Christian. He also produced a documentary on his former wife, actress Carolyn Brandt.

Born in Reading, Penn., he served in the Army and got his start in Hollywood as a cinematographer on films such as "Wild Ones on Wheels." He also acted in many of his films.

He later ran a video business in Las Vegas where he continued working on film projects.

He is survived by his wife Katherine, four daughters and two grandchildren.

Variety

While I Wait For the Black Eyed Peas to Cook...

2009-01-01T15:56:00.002-06:00

NYD

Here We Go Again...

2008-12-29T16:23:00.005-06:00

In case you missed the updates on my MySpace and Facebook pages, I am in possession of two more dogs. Back in October, Maggie and Botwo got their hillbilly on and early this morning the adorable products of their forbidden love made their debut. Just 2, a girl and a boy-Eve (named after the iPod-ish robot from Wall-E) and Sam.

These will be the last puppies birthed in this house-one of my few New year's resolutions is to get all the dogs fixed, lack of money be damned. As I told Jenner, I have this bizarre vision of Bob Barker showing up at my house accompanied by an angry mob, as well he should. It's irresponsible to let your pets go around breeding like canine trailer trash and I'm too refined and dignified for that...I am too, goddammit.

Yeah, yeah, none of you want a PSA. You want to see the puppies, don't you? I've only got a couple pictures so far (I didn't want anyone up in my face with a camera after I gave birth, I figure I can show Maggie the same courtesy. I told you-I'm class all the way), so they'll have to do for now.

Eve is the black and white spotted one, Sam is the shy brown and white one hiding under his Mama's leg.

Oblig. Xmas Music Post

2008-12-23T14:25:00.002-06:00

Drifter in the Snow

You're the Laziest Man on Mars

2008-12-20T14:09:00.004-06:00

I'm just not feeling Christmas this year. The economy is in the crapper, ain't got no money, it's like 70 degrees outside and I'm just in an all-around poopy mood. However, I soldier on 'cuz that's how I do what...

.....

Technical difficulties

Well, this was unexpected. About 15 minutes ago, I was informed by my daughter that my dog Pepper, a charming mix of Beagle and Steve McQueen, took an unplanned furlough from the backyard. We went to catch her and I have to say for a dog as tubby as she is, she's REALLY fast. I caught her, told H. to hold her collar while I ducked back under the barbwire fence that surrounds the property I had just trespassed upon aaaand she let her go. She took off, my lungs which have been ravaged by at least a decade of cigarette smoke said, "Fuck that noise" and we turned around and came home, sans our beloved fat little escape artist. So she's still on the lam and I'm Googling prices on Commit Lozenges.

But I started this post with the intent of finishing it and by gum, that's what I'm gonna do.

Where was I? Oh, Christmas. Yeah, it sucks this year, I'm over it, whatevs-doesn't matter. What matters is that I'm still in love with the IDEA of the holidays, even if I'm not expecting much out of them this year. But ask not what the holidays can do for you, ask what you can do for the holidays. Kennedy said that, I believe. He was probably drunk at a Christmas party or something, but I'd bet cash money that he did say it at some point-he was a stitch, that JFK.

You know what else is a stitch (and I'm sure we all see what I did there)? Mystery Science Theater 3000. I was poking around in my blog archives and I noticed that this is my third Christmas with this blog and I've never, ever posted this episode. I don't know why, because I love it like it was my own little child. Pia Zadora is in the featured movie and Joel and the Bots perform a song entitled "Lets Have a Patrick Swayze Christmas". Not to end on a down note, but that song is one of the reasons I'm posting this now. I don't reckon the Swayz' will be around next December, sadly and it just doesn't seem right posting a song like that when the subject...Well, you know.

Enough melancholy. Enjoy "Santa Claus Conquers the Martians" and if you don't watch the whole movie, at least stick around for the kicky theme song, "Hooray for Santy Claus". It's a fun tune and sure to diminish any holiday ennui. I should listen to it myself.

AFTER I hunt down that fat little beast.

RIP

2008-12-18T19:08:00.004-06:00

I know I'm the only Trekkie around these parts and most of you don't know this woman from Adam, but I'm posting this anyway. Take my word for it-she was awesome as Lwaxana Troi, so suck it up and pay your respects like good little non sci-fi geeks.

Majel Barrett Roddenberry, Star Trek creator Gene Roddenberry's widow and a fixture of nearly every incarnation of the space travel franchise, died on Thursday. She was 76.

Roddenberry, who suffered from leukemia, died at home in Bel Air, Calif., according to a spokesperson.

Before Star Trek, the Ohio-born actress worked on a range of television shows, including Bonanza and Leave it to Beaver.

She was romantically involved with Roddenberry when he launched Star Trek in the mid-1960s. Though he cast her as the USS Enterprise's unnamed first officer in his pilot, she would go on to fame as the secondary character Nurse Chapel in the original series and in subsequent films. The couple married in 1969.

Roddenberry reappeared in the revamped Star Trek: The Next Generation as one of its beloved reoccurring characters: Betazoid ambassador Lwaxana Troi and as the voice of the starship's onboard computer — a job she would also hold on spin-offs Deep Space Nine and Voyager, audio books, animated series, video games as well as on the forthcoming J.J. Abrams prequel film.

After her husband's death in 1991, Roddenberry continued his legacy by helping bring to life other TV projects he had been working on, including the television series Earth: Final Conflict and Andromeda.

Roddenberry is survived by her son, Eugene Roddenberry Jr.

CBC

Dude, That's My Kitchen

2008-12-16T08:07:00.005-06:00

Before I get goin' on this post, I'd like to not-so-randomly point out that standing by the side of one of only 2 main highways in a town, waiting to cross at 7:50am when it's 28 degrees outside and sleeting...Yeah, it's probably not the most economical use of time. And yes I did just do that. AND I have a cold-that should be worth some bonus points.

Enn-E-How..

This is how much of a slacker I am: I meant to post this thing last Christmas and I'm just getting around to it now. Sad! What it is, see, is this dude uploaded the pages from a bunch of Sears Wishbooks from the 70s and 80s onto Flickr. Now, if you're of a certain age and economic bracket like myself, Sears WAS Christmas when you were a kid. And if you're even more like me than that (there's a bracing notion to consider), as a child, you'd snatch that catalog up upon its arrival, grab a pen and commence to circling all the great and dangerous toys you wanted (I really had that kitchen. It was metal and pointy and painful when physically introduced to the body. None of this rounded, plastic crap for the kids of the 70s and 80s.) I've noticed Harper does the same thing when the flimsy-in-comparison Etoys catalog shows up at the house. Makes me all misty eyed.

Now, this guy has uploaded several years worth of Wishbooks and there's a lot of pages. Personally I'm partial to the 1979 and 1985 sets, but YMMV. To add a fun element to this, see if you can find the World's Tackiest Naked Lady Oil Lamp somewhere in there. My uncle gave that to my grandmother for Christmas back in the day and us grandkids would make her turn it on every time we came over. My grandmother hated that lamp and if it weren't for the chillun, I don't think that naked lady would have ever seen any action...

Well that didn't come out right. Bah, I'm leavin' it.

Flickr, Flickr Here you are...

Cuz I Wanna Hear it...

2008-12-13T12:56:00.000-06:00

RIP

2008-12-11T23:33:00.004-06:00

Bettie Page, the 1950s secretary-turned-model whose controverisal photographs in skimpy attire or none at all helped set the stage for the 1960s sexual revolution, died Thursday. She was 85.

Page suffered a heart attack last week in Los Angeles and never regained consciousness, her agent Mark Roesler said. Before the heart attack, Page had been hospitalized for three weeks with pneumonia.

"She captured the imagination of a generation of men and women with her free spirit and unabashed sensuality," Roesler said. "She is the embodiment of beauty."

Page, who was also known as Betty, attracted national attention with magazine photographs of her sensuous figure in bikinis and see-through lingerie that were quickly tacked up on walls in military barracks, garages and elsewhere, where they remained for years.

Her photos included a centerfold in the January 1955 issue of then-fledgling Playboy magazine, as well as controversial sadomasochistic poses.

The latter helped contribute to her mysterious disappearance from the public eye, which lasted decades and included years during which she battled mental illness and became a born-again Christian...

AP

Let Me Out Myself as a Major League Sap...

2008-12-09T07:18:00.004-06:00

I'll make this short. Last night, due to a shortage of House reruns, I ended up watching a movie-Four Weddings and a Funeral to be precise. Fabulous movie. And it has that scene in it. You know, when Simon Callow dies and John Hannah recites that W.H. Auden poem at his funeral...

Oh you better believe I cried.

I knew it was coming and I was fine at first, but when he hit that last stanza, I let out this gasping snort-like noise and my eyes started stinging. Then came the tears and the snot. It was nice.

Not to put too fine a point on it, I pretty much have to post the scene and might I add, I'm feeling damn guilty about it. See, etiquette dictates that when someone posts a video on a blog, the readers are obliged to watch it. Even if you're at work, around other people.

Don't worry though, you might not cry. And your coworkers, they may not mock you. Of course, if they do, just show them the scene. Then they might not cry, too.

Photo of the Day

2008-12-05T15:26:00.005-06:00

OJ Simpson Gets at Least 15 Years in Prison

I'm not gonna ramble on and on about this-I don't care about OJ Simpson, he can rot in hell for all I care. But I have to say, I'm amazed and somewhat disheartened at how tickled everyone is over this. I get why they're happy: the abusive jackhole killed 2 people and got away with it, now we get our revenge. Yay, let's all hold hands and burn our Naked Gun DVDs.

I'm all for revenge, but I have a bit of an issue with subverting the legal system to procure it. Yes, he was involved in a robbery and that's very, very bad, but he didn't get 15 years in prison for THIS, he got it for THAT, and that ain't cool-no one gets 15 years for a robbery where no one got hurt. Let me reiterate: I think OJ Simpson is a murderous, lying stank weasel, if he gets repeatedly butt-raped in prison, I'll do Numfar's Dance of Joy. He's not important here and that's the point: he's not worth pissing all over the law just to satisfy our collective vengeance boner.

What happened today was not good. What's worse is no one seems to realize it or -more importantly- care.

RIP

2008-12-04T18:09:00.004-06:00

So long Mr. Bentley...

Paul Benedict, the actor who played the English neighbor Harry Bentley on the sitcom "The Jeffersons," has died. He was 70.

Benedict was found dead Monday on Martha's Vineyard and his brother, Charles, said authorities were still investigating the cause of death.

Benedict began his acting career in the 1960s in the Theatre Company of Boston, alongside such future stars as Robert De Niro, Dustin Hoffman and Al Pacino.

Benedict went on to appear in a number of movies, including a role as the oddball director in "The Goodbye Girl" with Richard Dreyfuss. But he was mainly known for his role as Bentley in "The Jeffersons," which ran on CBS from 1975 to '85.

AP

From the Co-..Erm...FOR the COOK in Your Life

2008-12-03T15:56:00.009-06:00

I came across (Baha!) this link a few weeks ago and bookmarked it with the intention of posting it at some point. Cut to me 2 weeks later cleaning out my bookmarks folder and calling myself a senile old bird for forgetting about it. But that's not important.

The important thing is that...Well, none of this is "important", it's just a cook book. A very nasty cook book. What makes it nasty? Do you want to know? Do you REALLY want to know? Really, REALLY?

I'll give you a hint: have you ever heard someone bite into something spicy and say "Wow, there's kind of a wang to it"? Well, my pure and delicate nature prevents me from elaborating any further. But to borrow a famous query from a great man, "Would you like to know more?", if so clicky on the piccy.

Wait, that wasn't a great man, Neil Patrick Harris said that in Starship Troopers...

PS: We Should be Together Too...

2008-12-02T16:00:00.003-06:00

I heard this song last night for the first time since...Heck, I dunno, what year did it come out? Anyway, it's been lodged in my noodle all day, but I'm not posting it just to get the tune out of my head. it's more like an exorcism: it's a damn good song, but it's depressing the hell out of me. I don't need that, I can be morbid on my own, thankyouverymuch Eminem. Hmpf.

Stan - Eminem

On the Subject of Turkeys...

2008-11-24T16:58:00.003-06:00

It has recently come to my attention (like 5 minutes ago) that today is a very important day. Twenty years ago today, a television show premiered on KTMA in Minneapolis. Since I was way down here in Texas at the time, I missed out on this. However, 5 years after the fact due to some genius cable honcho deciding a few years prior that the show needed to be brought to the masses AND due to the fact that 1993 was the year my parents sprung for a big, honking, old school satellite dish, this show and I finally found each other. And it was good and there was much rejoicing. Yay.

Do you know what it is? Hmm?

I'm not telling. It's the holiday season, I'm feeling coy.

I will say this-I'm gonna post an episode. This is one of the earliest episodes, so it's a little different than the latter years. It's also not as good as the later ones, but this is a history lesson more than anything, you can fetch your entertainment elsewhere.

Arrrrrrrrgh!

2008-11-11T17:49:00.003-06:00

I want this fucking thing outta my head RIGHT NOW. Oh god, please make it stop, I'll do anything. I'm sorry I stole that piece of butterscotch out of the bin at the store, I'll be good from now on, I promise.

Sob...

'Murrica, F*ck Yeah

2008-11-04T22:17:00.004-06:00

I dozed off for about 45 minutes when I put Harper to bed and I woke up to this:

Now I'm watching McCain's concession speech. It's a great day.

Source

Yeah, No Drugs on THAT Set

2008-11-02T16:59:00.003-06:00

I'm having a lazy weekend and I got a hankering to hear this song.

That's pretty much it.

You can go now.

Miscellaneous Crapola

2008-10-31T05:47:00.007-05:00

Oh HAI! Um...

Forgive me Blogger, it's been eleven days since my last ~~confession~~ post. It's been one of those weeks, you know?

Last Saturday the school had their Fall Festival (AKA "The Artist Formerly Known As the Halloween Carnival Before Some Bitty Apparently Pitched a Fit and They Had to Change it" or TAFKatHCBSBAPaFaTHtCi for short. Or not.) My original intentions were for Harper to go as zombie Marie Antoinette, but there was a change of plans when she decided she didn't want to be the corpsified Dauphine of France, she just wanted to be the regular non-undead Dauphine. Behold:

I still say my way would have been way cooler.

So there was that, some other stuff, I got pneumonia and Harper had her 10th(!) birthday on Weds. We got her that Biscuit dog, the animatronic thingamadoodad. Harper loves it and while I was looking forward to some HI-Larious reactions from the dogs, they failed me. Honestly, this was the best I got:

Thanks Maggie, at least you tried.

That's about it I guess. Well, bye!

Oy.

Alright, yeah, I have TEH pneumonia. It's not too bad. I'm not even sure that's what it is, but I have had it before and both times it felt exactly like this. I've felt pretty crappy for a week now, and then today I woke up and it felt like Fat Bastard was sitting on my chest. I'm still debating over what I should do about it and my options are kinda limited. I'd go to the doctor, but my lack of insurance is kind of a hindrance. So it goes.

On the upside, if I don't croak before nightfall, I will be enjoying a quiet Halloween at home. I got candy for the little trick or treaters AND-this is the best part-there's a Herschell Gordon Lewis Double Feature on TCM late fri/early sat. My intentions are to get whacked out on Nyquil and have a grand, gory time. If I gotta croak, I'm gonna do it my way. And if I don't happen to expire, I'll try post about the movies some time this weekend. WHOOP!

Cough...

Kidding. I can barely tell I'm sick at all, it's more like a little tickle than anything.

Happy Halloween, children!

Cough, Cough...

Cheeks.

2008-10-20T16:40:00.004-05:00

As you may have been able to glean by now, I've sort of crapped out with the movie posts. What can I say? I haven't even really watched any movie at all lately, much less paid enough attention to write about one. I think the last movie I watched was 'Perfect Stranger' with Halle Berry and Bruce Willis, which, while not very good, was neither a horror movie, nor truly bad enough to be considered scary.

En Eee Weigh, I do have some scariness to impart upon you all. Is it Tara Reid's ass?

Noooo.

Is it the fact that This woman is legally entitled to vote?

Nope.

It's this little boy. I can't in good conscience make fun of a child-I'm not that much of an asshole. But I will say that he creeps me the hell out, which could be construed as a compliment. Congrats, cheeky young man.

Photo of the Day

2008-10-16T18:46:00.005-05:00

Less than a month to go, people. Choose wisely...

Wrongest Doll Evar

2008-10-13T15:23:00.006-05:00

Okay, like, so Harper's sick so I haven't had a chance to watch anything, hence no new movie posts. Fine, that's only partly true. She is sick (as in, she got sick last night and is better today, mostly), but the reason there's been no new posts is because I'm a lazy sack. In my defense, I've never tried to hide the fact that I'm a total slug, so the blame falls on anyone who's expected something more from me. In sum: it's YOUR fault I haven't posted anything, not mine. My logic is a bit peculiar, but it works for me. You'll accept it and by god you'll like it.

I've taken time out of our iCarly marathon (Harper likes it, not me. I've never watched it voluntarily or anything...Who are you to judge me?) to give you a semi-spooky post. "Spooky" may be overstating things but it's definitely creepy and just plain odd. Dolls that use the terlet are weird enough, but this one is in a league by itself.

And Be There When I Feed The Tree...

2008-10-01T17:12:00.019-05:00

It's October. You know what that means? It means I have my first sinus infection of the season, that's what that means. It also means that it's time for my Scary Movies Thingamabob, but since it's my blog and I wanna talk about me, my grave illness takes precedent over some stupid movie. Memememememe.

Sigh.

All right, I know you don't care the fact that I'm at death's door, you selfish bitches, so I'll give you what you came for. What is our first horror movie this time 'round? Welp:

Yes, that's right: Judgment at Nuremberg.

NO! Silly...

I actually meant to post about Poltergeist back when I was doing the 80s movies doohickey during the summer, but I never got around to it. God, Poltergeist scared the shit out of me when I was a kid. I remember my mom telling me "Watch it with us-it's not scary, it's good". She was half-right and the other half...Well, I thought my mother was always honest with me, but now I see that she was really a big lying McLiar from Lietown.

I guess for an adult it's not scary, but to a little 7 year old who still slept with the lights on? For the 2 Amish people reading this who've never seen it (and wtf are Amish people doing reading a blog? Go back to your barn raising, Ezekiel!), Poltergeist is the story of a fairly cool couple (played by Craig T. Nelson-aka Tv's "Coach"-and the lovely Jobeth Williams) and their three children, (played by...Well we'll get to that in a minute.) They live in a nifty house and are in the process of having a pool put in the back yard. They hang out, watch the game with the neighbors, have funerals for dead pets, spark up the occasional doobie, fall asleep in front of the Tv; no big whoop.

Then things start getting a little hinky. First off, their youngest starts talking back to the television. I don't mean like "Girl, don't go in there, the killer is behind the door!", I mean she's asking the TV questions and acting like it's answering her-it's totally unsettling. Then the dinette set starts rearranging itself and the silverware goes all Uri Gellar on them. It's cute.

At first.

Then one night, the creepy tree outside the two youngest kids' bedroom decides it wants to chow down on TV's Coach and the lovely Jobeth Williams' son. While they're off trying to extract him, the TV talker gets sucked into the closet and disappears and it's all a great big clusterfuck. They decide that perhaps they'd like their little girl back, so TV's Coach enlists the aid of some paranormal investigators and they have the world's least fun slumber party.

They do what they can to help, but apart from just looking at some angelic specter with their mouths agape, eating some nasty, nasty looking foodstuffs, and talking to the little girl through the TV, they aren't of much use. So they call in the big gun:

Ahh, Tangina. Would that you could clean MY house.

Not to spoil the Amish, but with the aid of some tennis balls, rope and the lovely Jobeth Williams, they manage to extricate the little girl from the closet. Tangina declares the house safe once more and they go on about their business.

Tv's Coach and the lovely Jobeth Williams (now with 25% more grey hair) decide to pack it in and move to less intrusive quarters. TV's Coach goes off to tie up some loose ends at work and Jobeth and the two youngest kids stay behind, with the intent of sacking out at the Holiday Inn when daddy gets home. Everything is all nice and cozy, the kids are in bed and the lovely Jobeth retreats to the bathroom to tackle her newfound greys.

Yeah the house ain't having none of that nonsense.

It starts with the clown doll. The boy, Robbie, has a clown doll in his room that is less than not creepy looking. He usually tosses a jacket over it before going to sleep. He tries to toss the jacket and misses. He shrugs it off and tries to go to sleep. He looks up and notices that, hey, the clown doll has relocated. But to where? Yeah, that fucking thing attacked his ass and as a child it scared me silly. I thought Pennywise was the genesis of my clown fear, but no, I had blocked Poltergeist clown out of my mind.

At that point, the closet door opens up again and everything goes haywire once more. The lovely Jobeth is dragged all over the bedroom, I mean up the ceiling, the walls-everywhere. She does the proper mom thing and goes to save the children, but some big old ghostly looking skeleton dealybopper is blocking her entrance. So she goes outside to get help from the neighbors who surely would think nothing of the crazy lady in her nightgown asking for them to chip in as volunteer Ghostbusters. She slips and falls into the unfinished pool and the source of their house issues become apparent: the genius real estate developer whom TV's Coach works for built the damn thing over an old cemetery and the inhabitants are rightly pissed. Due to some rain and the whole "house is going to eat you" thing, the bodies are popping up like fishing bobbers and the whole thing is very gross and creepy.

With no help from the neighbors, the lovely Jobeth goes back into the house and finally manages to remove her children. TV's Coach finally shows up and they jump in the car and hightail it to the Holiday Inn. Not for nothing, TV's Coach shoves the television outside, presumably so they don't have to watch Coach.

It's a great movie and I'm glad I decided to watch it again after all these years. One thing bothered me, and it's a minor, nerdy complaint. Steven Speilberg is listed as the writer and as producer of the film. Tobe Hooper, who directed the light-hearted romp "The Texas Chain Saw Massacre" is listed as the film's director. Yeah, no. Despite all the creepiness and the ghosts and clown dolls from hell, Poltergeist has a decidedly Speilberg quality to it-a certain sense of whimsy and wonder and stuff like that. Tobe Hooper doesn't make whimsical movies and it's my uneducated opinion that, for whatever reason, Steven Speilberg directed this movie and then lied about it. I may be wrong, I don't care. If someone wants to sue me for saying it, fine. I have no money, you'll be laughed out of court. Suck it.

I hate to end on a down note, but I'm gonna. They're remaking it. No word on who's gonna play what, but if I had a kid who was an actor, no way in hell would I let them be in it. Another downer: Poltergeist has something of a Curse attached to it. Most notably, Heather O'Rourke who played young Carol Anne (the TV talker) died at age 12 from septic shock; Dominique Dunne who played the oldest child was murdered at age 22 by her boyfriend. Not one for believing curses and stuff, but I don't like to tempt fate either. I'm careful like that.

I'm obviously doing these horror movie posts a little differently than I did last year, but for funsies I reckon I'll still put up the little Amazon link. It's just a minor service I provide when I can't think of any other way to end a post.

FIN.

:(

2008-09-27T10:10:00.002-05:00

RIP

Lulz

2008-09-24T22:52:00.009-05:00

I have to say, I've never been a big fan of Roger Ebert. He's never done anything to me personally, but I'm enough of a nerd that if I don't agree with someone's opinion of a film, I have it in me to loathe them. I'm just that petty, it's true. However since his battle with thyroid cancer, he's starting to grow on me. I guess when someone is faced with their own mortality, they either get all gloom and doomy or they lighten up. 'Ol Rog seems to have opted for the latter and based on what I'm about to post and a couple of other things he's said and done recently, he's achieved the near impossible and become one of the rare people in the world who've gone from my shit list to my "Eh, They're OK, I Guess" list.

What prompted this unforeseen change? His response to an unwieldy reader question in a column entitled Answer Man

Q. Yo dude, u missed out on "Disaster Movie," a hardcore laugh-ur-@zz-off movie! Y U not review this movie!? It was funny as #ell! Prolly the funniest movie of the summer! U never review these, wat up wit dat?
S.J. Stanczak, Chicago

A. Hey, bro, I wuz buzier than $#i+, @d they never shoed it b4 hand. I peeped in the IMDb and saw it zoomed to #1 as the low$ie$t flic of all time, wit @ lame-@zz UZer Rating of 1.3. U liked it? Wat up wit dat?

I doff my chapeau to you, snarky movie watching man.

On a related note, I will be starting up my October Horror Movie Thingamabob soon (aren't you excited? I am!), so if anyone has any film recommendations, I'll be glad to take them under advisement. I may or may not disregard them once I take them under advisement, but that's the risk you take with me.

For a refresher, These here are the ones I did last October.

Let the countdown to October Horror Movie Thingamabob 2008 begin!

God, I Wish This Was Real

2008-09-16T20:26:00.003-05:00

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu*k

2008-09-07T16:44:00.004-05:00

I got the lazies lately, and a tad of the busies and a little ennui (but not too much, I'm cool). And some other stuff I don't want to get into. I really don't have the energy to post anything other than a video. Feh.

RIP

2008-09-02T15:43:00.006-05:00

Jerry Reed, a singer who became a good ol' boy actor in car chase movies like "Smokey and the Bandit," has died of complications from emphysema at 71.

His longtime booking agent, Carrie Moore-Reed, no relation to the star, said Reed died early Monday.

"He's one of the greatest entertainers in the world. That's the way I feel about him," Moore-Reed said.

Reed was a gifted guitarist who later became a songwriter, singer and actor.

As a singer in the 1970s and early 1980s, he had a string of hits that included "Amos Moses," "When You're Hot, You're Hot," "East Bound and Down" and "The Bird."

In the mid-1970s, he began acting in movies such as "Smokey and the Bandit" with Burt Reynolds, usually as a good ol' boy. But he was an ornery heavy in "Gator," directed by Reynolds, and a hateful coach in 1998's "The Waterboy," starring Adam Sandler...

Cont.

Welcome to the Party, Pal

2008-08-30T22:56:00.010-05:00

Monday is September first and it also happens to be Labor Day. Labor Day is the unofficial end of summer as you may have heard, so I'm taking that as my cue to wrap up the 80s movies posts. I meant to post more often than I did this summer, but you know what they say: best laid plans of mice and men, blah blah blah, something about rabbits and a big retarded guy.

Anyhow, I had three movies left that I considered posting about. One was Fast Times at Ridgemont High. The only problem there was I only remember snippets of it (Jennifer Jason Leigh screwing that oily guy in the pool house and getting an abortion and Phoebe Cates' boobs being my most notable memories. And Mr. Hand, I loved Mr. Hand) and I didn't feel like watching it again. I think the blog header is sufficient.

Another choice was E.T. but I just wasn't feeling it. I loved E.T. and I remember it vividly, but my heart just isn't in it right now. I'd get to talking about it, start thinking of that damn flower dying and coming back to life at the end and I'd cry and then I'd get a headache and it's my birthday for christ's sake, I don't need that crap.

So I went with my third choice, which incidentally is my favorite out of the three movies. Matter of fact, it's probably my favorite action movie of all time, which isn't saying much because I don't really like action movies as a rule. I don't dislike the genre, but it's not my favorite. But this one I love. "This" being...

'Die Hard' from 1988

Featuring the acting talents of: Bruce Willis, Alan Rickman, Bonnie Bedelia, Reginald VelJohnson, William Atherton, Alexander Godunov and Clarence Gilyard Jr.

Genre: I done told you it was an action movie.

Plot: Cop goes to the worst Christmas party EVAR. Cuz there's terrorists there and stuff. Just wanted to be clear.

Yippee ki-what??: To fully appreciate Die Hard you have to consider the state of action films in the 1980s. Things took a downturn after the renegade film making of the late 60s and the 70s. The bulk of the first half of the 80s was spent in fear of the Russians, so we got stuff like 'Red Dawn'. You can cry "WOLVERINES!" at the top of your lungs as much as you like, it doesn't change the fact that 'Red Dawn' was a piece of doodoo. Then towards the mid-80s, America's emerging hate-on for the Middle East began and we were presented with stuff like 'Delta Force'. 'Delta Force' was fronted by Chuck Norris, whom I cannot stand, so the less I say there the better.

In both films (just to use them as examples indicative of the genre as a whole. My, that's a snooty sentence), the villains were just flat-out evil, with no character development to speak of. The heroes were boring and white bread with zero personality. We were supposed to accept that the foreigners were bad and the white folks were good, and we had to root for the good guy, even if he was kind of twatty.

Then in 1988, we were presented with that fuzzy haired guy from 'Moonlighting' as a hero for the modern age and quite frankly, he was pretty good. John McClane was funny, reasonably intelligent and bless his heart, a major smart ass. He didn't want to fight terrorists on his vacation, he just wanted to make up with his estranged wife and see his kids during the holidays. But hey, a bunch of Germans take your wife and her coworkers hostage during a party, you gotta do something, I guess.

Yes, Germans. You might think that making the bad guys German might be kind of a big throwback (although, "No one who speaks German could be an evil man"), but WAIT! Could it be that the head bad guy German was kinda not so bad? Admittedly, the rest of his henchman were kinda meh, but I could not bring myself to hate Alan Rickman's character. It might have to do with the fact that he was massively hot in this, but that's not the main reason. He too, was smart and kind of snarky, albeit evil as hell (you know how the bad guy says he's gonna count to three and then shoot the guy and never does? He did). So the smart and snarky thing coupled with the hot and evil thing, yeah, I liked Alan Rickman in this a WHOLE LOT. Like REALLY a LOT. Like I kinda wanna watch it right NOW a lot...

In short: Die Hard=s'good. Alan Rickman=s'hot.

Where they at?:

Bruce Willis has about 5 movies in the works, including a possible role in a remake of the "A-Team". Jesus wept.

Bonnie Bedelia stars in the upcoming "Sordid Lives: The Series". I totally need to see the movie that's based on. Remind me to hit Netflix when I get done here.

Reginald VelJohnson has 2 films in post-production. Of course he will forever be remembered as Carl WInslow on 'Family Matters', which I lapped up like chocolate covered crack back in the day. God, I was a stupid teenager.

William Atherton will appear in the fall tv series "Strokes" and just finished a voice-over for the new 'Ghostbusters' video game. He, of course, will be remembered as the asshole from "Real Genius".

Alan Rickman has 4 movies in the works, two of which are Harry Potter movies. Nice work if you can get it.

Alexander Godunov passed away in 1995.

Clarence Gilyard Jr. used to be on "Walker Texas Ranger", but hasn't been in much since it went off the air. His role in Die Hard was fairly minor, I just include him because I saw him once when I was in Dallas. Harper was in the hospital there and I was eating lunch in the cafeteria. I looked up as he was walking by and I went "Hey, it's the guy from that shitty Chuck Norris show". I don't think he heard me, but I felt kinda bad because he seemed like a nice guy, talking and shaking hands with everyone that came up to him. So, Clarence, if you heard me, I apologize. In my defense, I was giddy because I found out Harper was being released that day. Besides, it's not your fault the show sucked, it's Chuck Norris's, who as I may have mentioned, I cannot stand.

You know the drill

The Frogman

2008-08-30T13:46:00.005-05:00

This isn't what I had intended when I said I'd make a new post, but whatareyagonnado, ya know? I think it's best not to explain this so just Click. It's worth it, I swear.

Do You Wanna Die...

2008-08-29T07:35:00.005-05:00

I may or may not post this afternoon or tomorrow, depending on a number of factors. I'd try to be more vague than that, but I don't know if I can. To tide you over until then, you can listen to this. I woke up with this in my head, which may or may not mean something.

Maybe.

(It doesn't.)

Goodbye Boss Man. It's Quittin' Time

2008-08-25T03:38:00.008-05:00

Harper goes back to school in approximately four hours and I'm starting to feel sane again (and wide awake. But sane) so we now return to your scheduled program already in progress.

Today's movie is:

1980's "Nine to Five"

Starring: Jane Fonda, Lily Tomlin, Dolly Parton and Dabney Coleman.

Genre: Comedy

Plot: A godless hippie (so sayeth my dad), a country singer and a comedienne kidnap their crummy boss so's they can get some work done.

Sisters are doin' it for themselves: Oh I just adore this movie. It's hilarious and it's one of my favorite movies from when I was a kid. I re-watched it a month or so ago for the first time in years and it hit me that women still have a long way to go in the workplace (I knew that already, it just hit me AGAIN is what I mean to say). It's depressing that the changes they made in the office after they kidnapped the old bastard are still fairly uncommon today, 28 years later. A lot of women still slave away for long hours and pay astronomical daycare fees, so in a lot of ways for a lot of people, 9 to 5 is practically a science fiction movie.

Bummer.

I reckon the thing that stood out to me the most in this movie was the fantasy sequence. At one point Lily Tomlin's character scores a joint from her son (the 80s were a different time, you see) and she and Jane and Dolly get baked and talk about how they've daydreamed of disposing of the boss. Dolly's fantasy is sort of a cowgirl-type deal. Jane's has a safari motif and Lily's...Well, I liked Lily's the best:

I think the cartoons were what put it over the top for me.

Where are they now?:

Jane Fonda came out of retirement in 2005 and has been in 2 films since then. She's also a total floozy. You get up offa my man, Jane Fonda!

Lily Tomlin has a movie in the works called "Sweet Baby Jesus" which intrigues me.

Dolly Parton is still singing her little heart out and will soon appear in-GASP-the Hannah Montana movie.

Dabney Coleman still pops up in various movies and tv shows, none of which will ever live up to the creepy badness of This. ~~If any of you ever find that on DVD, I want-nay-I NEED to have it.~~ Nevermind. Woo-hoo!

You can spend your hard-earned cash on 9 to 5 Here

You Guys Got crabs! That's What They Called Them in My Day. You Young People.

2008-08-13T19:00:00.009-05:00

Quick one today because Harper is gone and I want to enjoy the silence (all I ever wanted, all I ever needed):

"The Last American Virgin" from 1982

Starring: Lawrence Monoson, Diane Franklin and Steve Antin.

Genre: Comedy

Plot: Goofy teen sex comedy about a guy who wants to lose his virginity. At least it starts out that way...

So now I come to you, with open aaaaarms: I saw this movie once over 20 years ago. My brother was babysitting me and I conned him into letting me watch this because I felt like if I watched it, I'd be getting away with something-ah to be a kid in the 80s with cable tv. Only time I've seen it, yet it stayed with me because it took a huge turn halfway and the ending was such a bummer. I'm relying on my increasingly decrepit memory here, but I'll try to sum it up. Spoilers? On my blog? It's more likely than you think.

The first hour of the movie is fairly generic teens-trying-to-get-laid stuff. It's a nice nerdy guy and his cool buddies and the coolest of the buddies knocks up his girlfriend. Cool buddy doesn't want a pregnant girlfriend so he dumps her. Nice nerdy guy really likes pregnant girl so he's all supportive and takes care of her after she gets an abortion. He ends up falling head over heels for her and tells her so and it's all so sweet and there's Journey playing in the background. It's lovely.

But then...

Nice nerdy guy buys her a bracelet (I think it was a bracelet, not totally sure). He's going to give her this bracelet at a party and it's going to be wonderful and they'll live happily ever after or some such. No. Nice nerdy guy spots formerly pregnant girl making out with cool buddy at the party. They're back together and he's standing there with a bracelet in his hand like an asshole. The end.

WHAT THE HELL?! That's not funny! I don't think the guy even got laid so as far as I know, he's STILL the last virgin in America.

Holy christ.

Where are they now?:

Who cares? I'm too depressed to look it up.

Pffft.

And Confront Him You Will

2008-08-12T12:16:00.007-05:00

Today's movie:

1983's "Return of the Jedi"

Starring: Mark Hamill, Harrison Ford, Carrie Fisher, Billy Dee Williams, Ian McDiarmid, and Alec Guinness.

Genre: Science Fiction

Plot: There's this fat blobby bad guy and some teddy bear things and a little old short dude dies and a chick in a gold bikini and a guy who hates his dad like a whole LOT...

It's a trap!: It feels weird posting about this movie alone since it's part of a trilogy (1-3 don't exist to me). I should post about Empire Strikes Back first, but RotJ feels more like an 80s movie to me than ESB does. Anyway.

I saw Star Wars for the first time about a year before this came out. I was about 6 or 7 and it blew my little butt away. It's rare when a person can actually pinpoint the moment in time when they made the transformation from normal person to nerd, but I can. After that, I set about acquiring every piece of Star Wars related crap I could get my hands on and when RotJ came out, there were a few days where this was the only thing out of my mouth: "MomcanIgoseeReturnoftheJedi? MomcanIgoseeReturnoftheJedi?"

I ended up seeing it twice in the theater, which believe me, even at that age was a big deal because I hate going to the movies. At that time, I liked it even more than Star Wars, despite the Ewoks. I knew my mind wasn't right at a young age because the girls in my class who had been forced to see it lost their shit over the cute little bastards. Me, I was crazy about the first act, the one with Jabba the Hutt.

It was SO COOL to me and I didn't know why. Some obese slimy creature and his mutant pals and a half-naked woman that I cared nothing about-why did the whole thing appeal to me so much? It took me a long time to figure it out and now I know-I liked it because it was like a PG-rated Caligula. It was all so sordid and gross and forbidden. People being eaten, shady deals going on in the shadows, captive women, revenge-not only was a I nerd at a young age, I was apparently well on my way to becoming a pervert because I wanted to MOVE there and live with the mutants and the freaks and the criminals. Ewoks? Screw cute, give me ugly any day.

My Star Wars junk is long gone and I'm not as big a fan of it as I once was, but I'll always have a place for it in my heart. My dark, twisted, perverted heart.

Where are they now?:

Mark Hamill does voice-over work, most notably as the Joker on "Batman: The Animated Series".

Harrison Ford is Harrison Ford. He's a little aged, but he was still pretty hot in the last Indiana Jones movie.

Carrie Fisher writes and still acts. She has 2 movies in various stages of completion.

Billy Dee Williams has two movies in post-production.

Ian McDiarmid is currently filming a tv movie where he plays the husband of former British PM Margaret Thatcher.

Alec Guinness became more powerful than you could possibly imagine in August of 2000. RIP.

You can get it Here. That includes both the good version and the "WTF was George Lucas thinking?!" version from a few years back.

RIP

2008-08-10T16:44:00.006-05:00

Soul singer and arranger Isaac Hayes, who won Grammy awards and an Oscar for the theme from the 1971 action film "Shaft," has died, sheriff's officials in Memphis, Tennessee, reported Sunday.

Relatives found Hayes, 65, unconscious in his home next to a still-running treadmill, said Steve Shular, a spokesman for the Shelby County Sheriff's Department.

Paramedics attempted to revive him and took him to a hospital, where he was pronounced dead shortly after 2 p.m., the sheriff's department said.

No foul play is suspected, the agency said in a written statement.

Hayes was a longtime songwriter and arranger for Stax Records in Memphis, playing in the studio's backup band and crafting tunes for artists such as Otis Redding and Sam and Dave in the 1960s.

He released his first solo album in 1967, and his 1969 follow-up, "Hot Buttered Soul," became a platinum hit.

In 1971, the theme from "Shaft" topped the Billboard Hot 100 for two weeks and won an Academy Award for best original theme song. The song and the movie score also won Grammy awards for best original score and movie theme.

Hayes won a third Grammy for pop instrumental performance with the title track to his 1972 "Black Moses" album.

From the late 1990s through 2006, Hayes provided the voice of "Chef" for Comedy Central's raunchy animated series "South Park," as well as numerous songs.

The role introduced him to a new generation of fans, but he left after the show lampooned his own religion, the Church of Scientology.

He was inducted into the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame in 2002.

CNN

Ah heck why not:

RIP

2008-08-09T08:29:00.003-05:00

CHICAGO (AP) — A publicist says Emmy and Golden Globe nominated actor and comedian Bernie Mac has died at age 50.

Publicist Danica Smith says Bernie Mac died early Saturday at a hospital in the Chicago area of complications due to pneumonia.

The comedian suffered from sarcoidosis, an inflammatory lung disease that produces tiny lumps of cells in the body's organs, but he had said the condition went into remission in 2005. He recently had been hospitalized and treated for pneumonia.

Mac had starring roles in "Ocean's Eleven," "Bad Santa," "Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle" and "Transformers."

The comedian drew critical and popular acclaim with his Fox television series "The Bernie Mac Show," which aired more than 100 episodes from 2001 to 2006.

AP

Praise Marty Moose! Holy Sh*t!

2008-08-07T05:08:00.005-05:00

Today's movie is:

1983's "Vacation"

Starring: Chevy Chase, Beverly D'Angelo, Imogene Coca, Randy Quaid, Anthony Michael Hall, Dana Barron, Eddie Bracken and John Candy.

Genre: Comedy

Plot: Hapless family man takes his brood on a cross country road trip. Hijinks be ensuin'.

Best laid plans: Vacation is an hilarious movie. You've got the dead aunt on the top of the car, the dog pissing all over the food, the hick cousins (including a young Jane Krakowski as French kissing, pot growing Vicki), the dad strong-arming his way into Wally World with a bb gun. And those white shoes. Goddamn those shoes. But it's really kinda sweet too...

The Griswolds weren't the only family that took a trip in '83. That was the year that my family went on our first official vacation, which consisted of one week in Galveston, Tx. It was me, my parents and my older brother, Shane.

The car ride lasted about twelve hours and was fairly quiet, save for the periodic screams of "Mom! Shane wiped a booger on me!". Or "Mom! Make her move over! She's touching me again!". My mom chain smoked the whole twelve hours, creating a kind of Cheech and Chong cloud around the car. Her smoking increased to an astronomical rate when we got to Houston (during rush hour no less) while my 15-year-old, freshly-learners-permitted brother was driving and we couldn't pull over.

The actual vacation itself was fairly mundane. The most notable thing that happened was when my cop father tried to break up a dispute between some thuggy redneck and his woman while we were on our way to see 'Return of the Jedi'. Otherwise we visited the beach and various tourist traps while my mom nursed the sunburn from hell. Really, my vacation in '83 had jack all in common with the movie. Except for one thing, which brings me back to my original point.

The Griswolds would have never made it to Wally World if Clark hadn't been an insane, stubborn, loving maniac, nor would OUR vacation have been possible had my mother not been a headstrong, determined, loving maniac. The trip put her and my dad in the hole for quite some time and the sunburn she got on the trip made her sick as a dog, but she saw it through to the end and we had a blast. And by the time we went home, my brother and I even managed to stop trying to kill each other. For a while anyway.

So my point is, while 'Vacation' is funny as hell, if you can stop laughing long enough to notice, there's also a little something something in there about the lengths you'll go to for family. If you're a maniac.

Where are they now?:

Chevy Chase has a couple of movies in the works. He and Beverly D'Angelo recently re-prised their roles as Clark and Ellen on the Star Wars episode of Family Guy.

Beverly D'Angelo has three movies in the can and appeared in 'Harold and Kumar Escape from Guantanamo Bay'. Can I just take this opportunity to say how terrific she was as Patsy Cline in 'Coal Miner's Daughter'? I can? Cool.

Imogene Coca, Eddie Bracken and John Candy left for that big Wally World in the sky in 2001, 2002 and 1994, respectively.

Randy Quaid's most recent notable role was in 'Brokeback Mountain'. He's also been known to rock the Maude Findlay look on occasion. All bound for muu muu land...

I said this in another post recently, but it could stand to be repeated: Anthony Michael Hall is in 'The Dark Knight'. Swear to god, I saw him with my own two eyes.

Dana Barron recently completed 'The Invited' a horror movie that stars Pam Grier.

You can purchase Vacation Here.

Voltaire-"Brains!"

2008-08-04T17:33:00.002-05:00

I wish I could find the clip of the Billy and Mandy episode, but the YouTubes have failed me.

Why Don't You Call Me Some Time When You Have No Class?

2008-08-03T18:16:00.002-05:00

Today's movie is:

1986' "Back To School"

Starring-Rodney Dangerfield, Sally Kellerman, Burt Young, Keith Gordon, Robert Downey Jr., Paxton Whitehead, Terry Farrell and William Zabka.

Genre-Comedy

Plot-Crazy old guy goes to college so he can help his nerdy student son.

That'll learn ya-I never cared for Rodney Dangerfield, but I've always liked this movie. When I was younger, it was because I had a crush on Keith Gordon (the first in a long line of nerd crushes) and I was transfixed by Robert Downey Jr.'s Hair. Plus it was just really stupid and funny and it had William Zabka in it, the gold standard in 80s film douchebags.

As I've gotten older, I still appreciate the sames things I liked about it as a child. Of course now when I watch it, my favorite thing is something that went over my head back then:

Excuse me while I have a massive nerdgasm.

Where are they now?:

Rodney Dangerfield is now lacking respect in the afterlife, since 2004.

Sally Kellerman occasionally acts, but mostly seems to do voice-over work, which she's really suited to. God, I wish I had her voice.

Burt Young has a couple of movies in the works. I used to like him until he played a rapist on a particularly grisly Law and Order episode. I don't care that he's not actually a rapist himself, I can't get past it and he totally creeps me out now. Sorry Burt.

Keith Gordon is directing these days. He's also bald, which I didn't know til today.

Robert Downey Jr. seems to be doing allright for himself. Two movies in post-production and "Tropic Thunder" (you know, the one where he's black) comes out on the 13th.

Paxton Whitehead sometimes pops up on the teevee, but apparently has a very healthy career on the stage.

Terry Farrell retired from acting in 2003 and is now a full-time stay at home mother.

William Zabka still acts and was nominated for an Oscar a few years back for a short film he wrote and produced. Whatevs. "SWEEP THE LEG, JOHNNY!"

You can get it Here

Bueller?... Bueller?... Bueller?

2008-07-30T16:37:00.010-05:00

Today's movie is:

1986's 'Ferris Bueller's Day Off'

Starring: Matthew Broderick, Alan Ruck, Mia Sara, Jeffrey Jones, Jennifer Grey, Edie McClurg and Cindy Pickett. Directed by John Hughes.

Genre: Comedy

The whatsit: Smart-alleck boy blows off school (again) and spends the day farting around in Chicago.

Niiiine tiiiimes: This has to be one for the books-John Hughes made a movie and after seeing it at least two dozen times over the years, I still can't find a damn thing wrong with it. Get me mah smellin' salts.

I'm not the only one. I remember going to visit my grandfather when I was eleven or so and one day while we were there, me, my mom and Louise, (my step-grandmother) went to town and rented some movies. I got this and Louise rented Hannah and Her Sisters. If you haven't seen Hannah and Her Sisters, in it Woody Allen's character is convinced he has a brain tumor. Well, see, my grandad actually DID have a brain tumor (which eventually killed him, not to get all morbid) so he didn't much care for Hannah or her sisters or Woody Allen and he wasn't too thrilled with Louise either that night. But the next day, he watched Ferris with me and we laughed our asses off.

Me-1, Louise-0

I didn't get to spend much time with my grandfather since he lived far away, so that's a nice little memory I've been able to carry around. Thanks Ferris. Thanks John Hughes.

As for the actual movie, I loved Cameron, Principal Rooney, the Museum scene, Kristy Swanson's explanation of why Ferris is absent:

"Um, he's sick. My best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Ferris pass out at 31 Flavors last night. I guess it's pretty serious."

Edie McClurg's rationale as to why Ferris can get away with murder:

"Oh, he's very popular Ed. The sportos, the motorheads, geeks, sluts, bloods, waistoids, dweebies, dickheads - they all adore him. They think he's a righteous dude. "

And just pretty much the whole damn movie. S'good.

Where are they now?:

Matthew Broderick has two movies in post-production and spends a good chunk of his time on Broadway.

Alan Ruck recently completed three movies. He was 29 years old when he played Cameron. I did not know that.

Mia Sara is on the television show "Tinseltown".

Jeffrey Jones...Jeffrey, Jeffrey, Jeffrey. His last film role was in "Who's Your Caddy?" and it doesn't look like he has much else on his plate for the future. Idiot. Such a waste.

Jennifer Grey and her newish nose can currently be seen in 'Redbelt'.

Edie McClurg pops up all the time and has a film in post-production titled 'Holyman Undercover" which co-stars Fred Willard and Clint Howard. Wow.

Cindy Pickett is another one of those "Oh, HER" type-people and appears in various films and tv show guest spots.

Also, this is more for me than anyone else, but Richard Edson, the garage attendant that took Cameron's dad's car for a joyride was the original drummer for Sonic Youth. Some trivia for you to do with as you wish.

You can grab it Here.

Waterlogged

2008-07-28T18:11:00.003-05:00

I took Harper to Splash Kingdom, a semi-local water park yesterday and I am dead tired. I will be taking a brief vacay from the blog, just for a couple days. I am otherwise fine and actually had a great time yesterday, despite a wardrobe mishap on one of those big-ass slides (not THAT kind of wardrobe mishap) and having my game stifled by my player hater daughter. I love her to death, but DAMN.

I have nothing more to add, so I leave you with a photo I took yesterday of Harper on the glow-in-the-dark mini golf course. I don't care how old I get, I will never not think glow-in-the-dark stuff isn't neat.

Earworm

2008-07-27T02:21:00.004-05:00

Don't ask.

Edwina's Insides Were a Rocky Place Where My Seed Could Find No Purchase

2008-07-25T16:14:00.006-05:00

Quick one today:

1987's 'Raising Arizona'

Starring: Nicolas Cage, Holly Hunter, Trey Wilson, John Goodman, William Forsythe, Sam McMurray, Frances McDormand and Randall 'Tex' Cobb. Directed by Joel Coen.

Genre: Comedy

The what: Charming white trash couple kidnap a baby to raise as their own.

I LOVE HIM SO-HO MU-UCH: Much the same way Edwina feels about baby Ed, I love this movie sooooo much. In the interest of full disclosure, I'm a long-time Coen brothers nerd, so I'm a little biased. Even if I wasn't, I'd still say that RA is comedy gold and will likely stand the test of time. It's got arseloads of quotable lines (including the post title, which is one of my favorite lines of all time), a fab cast and it's just goofy and fun as hell. It's also got this scene, which I love almost as much as I do my own child:

All told, I give Raising Arizona 5 out of 5 babies.

Where my homies at?:

Nicolas Cage has-in my opinion-rested on his laurels since he won the Academy Award for 'Leaving Las Vegas'. What's the deal with people winning Oscars and piddling their careers away on shitty action movies? National Treasure-wtf was that about? Blech. Anyway, the former Mr. Coppola has eight movies going.

Holly Hunter has one movie in pre-production and stars on the television show 'Saving Grace'.

John Goodman, William Forsythe and Sam McMurray have 13 movies in the works between them. You can probably guess who has the lions share of that total.

Frances McDormand recently finished filming 'Burn After Reading', which looks awesome.

Trey Wilson died of a cerebral hemorrhage in 1989.

Randall 'Tex' Cobb seems to have been M.I.A. for awhile, but will soon appear in an action/comedy that stars Willie Nelson. Allrighty then.

~~Kidnap~~ buy a copy Here

RIP

2008-07-22T17:56:00.002-05:00

I mentioned this in the post below, but Estelle Getty has made me laugh for over two-thirds of my life. If anyone deserves their own post, it's her.

Goodbye Sophia.

Estelle Getty, who played meddling mother Sophia on "The Golden Girls," died Tuesday morning. She was 84.

Getty, who suffered from advanced dementia, died around 5:30 a.m. Tuesday at her Hollywood Boulevard home, said her son, Carl Gettleman of Santa Monica.

Getty won an Emmy Award in 1988 for her portrayal of the feisty octogenarian. For her role as Sophia, Getty also notched a Golden Globe Award in 1986. She also received an American Comedy Award.

Getty co-starred on "Golden Girls" from 1985-92 and reprised the tart-tongued Sophia on four other TV series: "The Golden Palace," "Nurses," "Empty Nest" and "Blossom." Getty was two months younger than Arthur, but the illusion of her age was maintained through makeup, costume and her deportment...

Cont.

Switcher!

2008-07-22T03:38:00.008-05:00

Today's movie:

1987's 'Mannequin'

Starring: Andrew McCarthy, Kim Cattrall, Estelle Getty, James Spader, G.W. Bailey and Meshach Taylor.

Genre: Comedy

Plot: Creepy window dresser falls in love with...I just can't. Read the title, look at the picture-you can figure it out.

Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim, Kim Cattrall: This wasn't what I had planned to post about. Last week, I started a post about 'Poltergeist'. While I was writing it, I decided I wanted to see it again, because it had been awhile. Since I decided to watch it, I figured I'd wait until after I saw it to do the post. Then I ended up not watching it. I had some free time this evening, saw that 'Mannequin' was on cable and DID end up watching THAT. My priorities are all kinds of screwy.

So anyway, 'Mannequin'. I hadn't seen it since I was about twelve years old and at that time, I thought it was funny. Stupid, but funny. After I got a little older, I decided that it was utter crap and I must have been half retarded for thinking anything about it was entertaining. After watching it now I, well, how can I put this delicately so that I don't look like a complete simpleton...

I didn't not NOT hate it.

Unless I fall off the wagon and into a bottle of Vicodin, I will never say that it's a good movie. But maybe it was watching Andrew McCarty make out with an inanimate object that had more life in its eyes than he does. Maybe it was James Spader trying to play for broad laughs. Perhaps it was Meshach Taylor playing one of the biggest gay caricatures in film history. Or it may very well have been a nostalgic fever brought on by seeing a replica of a late 80s department store, complete with crappy clothes and an overabundance of pink neon lights. Whatever it was, I managed to control the urge to lunge for the remote, and when you're talking about a movie like this, that's like high praise.

Before I forget, I have to mention Kim Cattrall. I want to hate Kim Cattrall. I should hate her, but not only do I not hate her, I really, really like her. The reason I should hate her is because I'm programed to hate women like her. Since practically the beginning of her career, she's had this sex-starved nympho persona that carried over into her public image during Sex and the City's heyday. That kind of thing just annoys the devil out of me. I'm not a prude or one of them there catty bitches, I'm just a straight chick. I don't see other women sexually (Usually), so for me to like another woman I need to know they have something more to them than the fact that they really like to screw. Kim just blows my whole mindset out of the water, though. I hate her for making me not hate her. And I hate her for making me like her in Mannequin.

Where are they now?:

Andrew M. and James S. have been covered. Which leaves..

Kim Cattrall is in an animated tv show in the works called 'Producing Parker'.

Estelle Getty retired from acting in 2000 after being misdiagnosed with both Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's. She was later correctly diagnosed with Lewy Body Dementia which has characteristics of both diseases. UPDATE: Estelle passed away today at the age of 84. RIP Ma.

G.W. Bailey plays Lt. Provenza on 'The Closer', which is actually not that bad of a show.

Meshach Taylor recently completed one film-'Tranced'-and has another-'Hyenas'-in post-production.

SWITCHER!

The Princess is in Another Castle

2008-07-20T13:13:00.003-05:00

I had planned to watch a movie this weekend and post about it for my 80s movies dealybobber, but I ended up falling under the thrall of "The Dark Knight" instead. Sooooo. I have no 80s movie to post about today.

I will get to it tomorrow or the next day, so until then, enjoy some weirdness courtesy of the Best of Craigslist.

Do you love to play Super Mario Brothers on the Classic Nintendo System? Do you like to get tagged from behind while you do it? This is the post for you then...

You Sho is Ugly

2008-07-13T02:54:00.005-05:00

A little change o' pace today:

1985's 'The Color Purple'

Starring: Whoopi Goldberg, Danny Glover, Oprah Winfrey and Margaret Avery. Directed by Steven Speilberg.

Genre: drama

Plot: "How long is Celie gonna put up with that asshole?"

Sister, sister: I've seen this movie a grand total of one time. About three years ago, I was with a group of women you'd think wouldn't be affected by such a thing and all of 'em, including myself, were bawling like big fat babies by the end. It's a very emotionally strong film, mostly because of Whoopi Goldberg. She's so damn cute you just want to drag her home with you and feed her a pot of stew and cover her up with a big blanket. She's less cute by the time she picks up with Oprah and almost cuts her lousy husband's throat, but you want her to kill him, so that's kinda cute too.

However, the movie would be nothing-NOTHING-without Shug Avery, the juke joint singer who befriends Celie after having an affair with her no-good husband. Again, I've only seen it once, but there's two scenes that stand out vividly in my head, both involving Shug. The first one is a scene where Shug sings a song to Celie in the bar. The look on Celie's face throughout the whole thing is priceless.

The second scene deals with Shug and her father, a preacher who has disowned her. Shug's father is raising the daughter that Shug had out of wedlock, and she's the soloist in the church choir. She and the choir are singing a song in a packed church one afternoon while Shug and her friends are outside having a party not far away and Well.. I started bawling while LISTENING to the YouTube clip. I'm such a baby.

Where are they now?:

Whoopi Goldberg has been reduced to doing battle with that pinch-faced republican woman on "The View".

Danny Glover has five movies in the works. I thought maybe he was "getting too old for this shit" but apparently I was mistaken.

Oprah is, well, Oprah. If you've managed to go this long without knowing what she's up to, I'm sure not gonna be the one to tell you.

Margaret Avery was in "Tyler Perry's Meet the Browns" which I have not seen. I can't abide more than two minutes of Madea. Perhaps I'M getting too old for this shit.

You can get it Here.

Earworm

2008-07-12T17:54:00.002-05:00

This popped into my head today and I can't get it out, so I'm passing it on to you. Enjoy. Or not. I don't care, I just want it gone.

That Girl is, Was and Always Will Be Nada

2008-07-09T18:44:00.007-05:00

Today's movie:

1986's 'Pretty in Pink'

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Harry Dean Stanton, Jon Cryer, Annie Potts, James Spader and Andrew McCarthy.

Genre: Drama

Plot: Andie, A poor emo girl tries to rise above her station in life by falling in love with a dead-eyed rich boy.

Oh God, not her again: I've seen this movie more times than I'd like to admit, and honestly, I'm not sure why. I liked Duckie, and Annie Potts as Andie's punkish boss, but otherwise I was all "Meh". Part of it is because I've never understood the reasoning behind any of Molly Ringwald's characters. In '16 Candles' she has a decent, if goofy family, is well-off financially and she pouts for the whole film. In the 'Breakfast Club', she's popular, rich and she pouts for the whole film. In 'The Stand', her dad is friggin' Dr. Kelso, she manages to snag Gary Sinise and she pouts for the whole film. (Yes, I know most of the planet, including her dad, died. Doesn't matter-she would have pouted regardless.)

And in Pretty in Pink, she's kinda poor, but she has a goofy, sweet best friend who's crazy about her, she has a job in a cool record store with a great boss, she has a bitchin' car, her dad is friggin' Harry Dean Stanton, and she pouts throughout the whoooooooole film.

I don't think the PIP pouting would bother me so much, but for the fact that she was pouting over Andrew McCarthy. She manages to lock-in on the most souless, flat, zombie-ish man in film history and then mopes because she thinks she's too poor to hang with him and James Spader, who's the SECOND most souless man in film history. What the hell is wrong with this girl? Maybe she's short a little soul herself. Witness her reaction here:

Humorless twat.

Where are they now?:

Jon Cryer is on 'Two and a Half Men', which is inexplicably popular.

Andrew Mccarthy has a horror movie in post-production. Shockingly, it's not a zombie movie.

Annie Potts still pops up on various tv shows and films. I'll always have a soft-spot for her because Mary Jo was the character I most related to on 'Designing Women'. Yes, I watched Designing Women and I LIKED it, too.

James Spader stars in the lead role on 'Boston Legal', which I've never watched.

Harry Dean Stanton will probably still be acting long after we're all dead.

You can buy it Here, or you can do yourself one better and get the Soundtrack instead. It's loads better than the movie.

I Want to Kill Everyone, Satan is Good, Satan is Our Pal

2008-07-02T17:33:00.009-05:00

Today's movie:

1989's 'The 'burbs'

Starring: Tom Hanks, Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher, Rick Ducommun, Corey Feldman, Wendy Schaal, Henry Gibson, Brother Theodore, Courtney Gains and Gale Gordon.

Genre: Comedy

Plotooey: Uptight yuppie and his loony pals become convinced that their new neighbors are devil-worshiping cannibals. They may be right...

There goes the goddamn 'burbs post: I started this post yesterday, but my heart wasn't in it for some reason. I loved this movie, it still makes me laugh like a hyena (that Bruce Dern is a stitch), but writing about it made me feel not quite sad, but something a few levels below sad, somewhere in the "meh" area. Last night while I was in the shower (where all my epiphanies take place), the source of my 'meh' came to me: I miss Tom Hanks.

I'm fully aware that Tom Hanks is still around. I'm not talking about the Tom Hanks that endorses presidential candidates and gets pelted with award statuettes, I'm talking old school Tom: goofy comedic actor with a borderline afro that won my heart with movies like this, not to mention the television classic, 'Bosom Buddies'.

I'm not saying I don't like the movies he's made in the last several years, I do. All I'm saying is the dude needs to make some more comedies. I know you bring down mad accolades when you execute a 7 ft tall Christ-like black man and attempt to return an ungrateful MAAATTTT DAAAAMON home to his family, but enough is enough. He's got the praise, he's got the awards, he's proved his point-he can act. WE GET IT.

I realize that he was kind of typecast back in the 80s as a lovable goofball and he probably wanted to escape that. The thing is, he did escape it, only to be typecast as Mr. Drama. The last non-animated comedy he was in was 'The Terminal' and that wasn't even funny. I'm not saying he has to make Bachelor Party 2 here, just be funny once in a while. Meryl Streep can pull it off, Robert Deniro can pull it off, and they were both in 'The Deer Hunter' for Pete's sake: someone who cut his teeth on this kind of thing can damn sure pull it off. And it's Tom Hanks, so even if he DID make Bachelor Party 2, people would go see the thing. I wouldn't, but I would go see The 'burbs 2.

But only if it's got Bruce Dern in it, because he was HI-Larious in this.

Where are they now?:

Tom's been pretty well covered (and no one would know where he was if I didn't tell you, of course), as has Corey Feldman on the last post. That leaves...

Bruce Dern, Carrie Fisher and Courtney Gains all have films in post production and/or being filmed. Also, for future reference I can now say definitively that Courtney Gains-the ginger fellow-was Malachi in 'The Children of the Corn'. Isaac was the guy with the weird voice. I could never remember which was which and I don't think I'm alone in that.

Wendy Schaal is the voice of Francine Smith on 'American Dad'.

Henry Gibson is still kicking and recently had a recurring role on 'Boston Legal'.

Brother Theodore passed away in 2001.

Gale Gordon left us in 1995. Aww, Mr. Mooney.

I did some fairly extensive poking around, at least five minutes worth, but I'm not quite clear what happened to Rick Ducommun. I'm 95% sure he's still doing stand-up comedy, but I wouldn't swear to it in a court of law.

Fetch it Here. Then shut up and paint your goddamned house.

You Guys Wanna See a Dead Body?

2008-06-30T16:49:00.011-05:00

Today's movie is:

1986's 'Stand By Me'

Starring: Wil Wheaton, River Phoenix, Corey Feldman, Jerry O'Connell, Kiefer Sutherland and Richard Dreyfuss. Directed by Rob Reiner. Based on 'The Body' by Stephen King.

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Coming-of-age

Plot: Four kids go on a trek to see a nasty-ass corpse.

Boom baba, boom baba: Aww, who doesn't love Stand By Me? It's a really sweet movie, especially when you consider the source and the subject matter. Let's look at this "on paper" for a second:

There's a kid-Gordie-whose brother just died. Gordie is a smart, sensitive boy, but his parents liked his brother more and now they just ignore him. His best friend Chris is also a good kid. However, his family is trash and HIS brother is a thug who spends all his time with his greaser buddies. There's Teddy, who's kind of an oddball. He's half-blind, his father is apparently insane and he's abusive to his son-burned his ear off and everything. Then there's Vern. Vern is fat and stupid, which trumps all else.

They get it in their heads to go look at the decaying body of a dead child. They almost get flattened by a train, accosted by leaches, chased by a junkyard dog and stalked by the aforementioned greaser thugs. All of this is brought to you by the guy who came up with 'IT' and 'The Shining' and directed by someone who, until this movie, was best known as Meathead on 'All In The Family'.

...And it was very well-made and poignant as hell, made all the more so by the untimely death of River Phoenix a few years later. So yes, I'm a fan of Stand By Me. It's a great movie with a lot of memorable moments. However, in the interest of fairness, I should admit that I cannot watch this scene without gagging.

Where are they now?:

Wil Wheaton acts periodically and does voice-over work. He has a well-known (and pretty entertaining) Blog and is a fellow Farker. I have nothing bad to say about Wil, at least not since he hung up his Starfleet uniform. God, I hated Wesley.

River Phoenix died of drug-related heart failure in 1993.

Corey Feldman pretty much "screwed the pooch". After a lucrative career as a child and teen actor, he decided he liked drugs and Corey Haim and flushed it all down the crapper. He can still be seen in some D-grade films and various reality shows, including one based on his life with the Haim.

Jerry O'Connell grew up nicely. His acting career is decent enough , he's not fat anymore, he avoided the pitfalls that beset River and Corey and he's married to this. Good on you, Vern.

Kiefer Sutherland fights the turrists on 24 every week. He also fights Christmas trees in his downtime. Little bit of a drinker, that one.

You can purchase Stand By Me Here if you're so inclined.

Super Relax

2008-06-27T15:35:00.004-05:00

I'd stab each and every one of you if it meant I could sleep THIS peacefully.

Have a nice weekend everybody.

I Gave Her My Heart, She Gave Me a Pen

2008-06-26T19:29:00.004-05:00

Today's movie is:

1989's 'Say Anything'

Starring: John Cusack, Ione Skye, John Mahoney, Lili Taylor, Pamela Adlon and Loren Dean. Directed by Cameron Crowe

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance

Ploteroosky: Impossibly perfect boy falls in love with prissy smart girl. Peter Gabriel music ensues.

In yooooouur eyyyeees: Did I have a thing for Lloyd Dobler? Does Raggedy Ann have cotton titties? Come on, now. Cameron Crowe and John Cusack went out of their way to pretty much ruin an entire generation of girls with this movie. They gave us a guy who was smart, sweetly sarcastic, cute, good with kids, had an awesome girl for a BFF, didn't bitch when he had to be the designated driver and he knew how to romance a gal, even if she didn't deserve him in the least-who's gonna measure up to that in life? He also had excellent taste in music:

Peter who?

Here's a frightening notion to ponder-according to IMDB's trivia page on Say Anything, Kirk Cameron was nearly cast as Lloyd. Just let that sink in for a second.

As I have gotten older, I've been able to actually notice other things about the movie besides John/Lloyd, the main thing being Lili Taylor as Corey, Lloyd's non-annoyingly emo best friend who still pines for her ex, Joe. Corey eventually comes to her senses and tells Joe to piss off, but her tortured sad/angry girl song stylings prior to that ("Joe lies, Joe lies, Joe lies, when he cries") are GOLD.

Where are they now?:

John Cusack will never again live up to this, nor Better Odd Dead (and maybe Grosse Point Blank-that was awesome), but he's still making an effort. He's currently working on an anti-war film with...Wait for it...Hillary Duff.

Ione Skye is still around, though not as prolific as she once was. She recently had a brief role in David Fincher's 'Zodiac'.

John Mahoney played Sideshow Bob's dad on an episode of the Simpsons last year. Love him.

Lili Taylor recently completed a couple of film roles and has/had a show on Lifetime, 'State of Mind'.

Pamela Adlon is the voice of Bobby Hill on 'KIng of the Hill', which is apparently still on the air. I had no idea.

Loren Dean is still acting. His role in SA was so small that it really doesn't merit his being here, I just wanted to take this opportunity to say that he was great in 'Mumford' which was a fantastic movie.

Snag a copy Here.

RIP. Damn.

2008-06-23T03:10:00.004-05:00

LOS ANGELES, California (CNN) -- Comedian-actor George Carlin, known for his raunchy, but insightful humor, died Sunday in Los Angeles, his publicist said. He was 71.

Jeff Abraham says Carlin went into St. John's Health Center on Sunday afternoon, complaining of chest pain. Carlin died at 5:55 p.m. PDT, the Associated Press reported.

Carlin, who had a history of heart trouble, performed as recently as last weekend at the Orleans Casino and Hotel in Las Vegas.

Carlin was best known for his routine "Seven Words You Can Never Say On Television," which appeared 1972's "Class Clown" album.

When Carlin uttered all seven at a show in Milwaukee in 1972, he was arrested for disturbing the peace, the AP reported. The comedy sketch prompted a landmark indecency case after WBAI-FM radio aired it in 1973.

The case was appealed to the U.S. Supreme Court where the justices ruled on a 5-to-4 vote that the sketch was "indecent but not obscene," giving the FCC broad leeway to determine what constituted indecency on the airwaves.

"So my name is a footnote in American legal history, which I'm perversely kind of proud of," Carlin said. "In the context of that era, it was daring."

Cont.

I'm listening to this in the other window and I'm going to post it here. The subject matter is a bit touchy and I'd probably never post it under normal circumstances, but fuck it, it's my favorite and these aren't normal circumstances.

Darwin Laughs While I Suck My Thumb

2008-06-22T19:53:00.006-05:00

I like to think I'm a reasonably intellegent person, but occasionally I have brain fart so epic that it wipes out every smart thing I've ever done.

Last night, I saw a mouse so I went to get a trap for it. I baited the trap with peanut butter and stuck it in the store room, to which the mouse had run. I check the trap today and the little bastard had licked the trap clean without setting it off.

So. I start over and set the trap again, this time baiting it with cheese instead. Before I continue, I'd just like to say that the trap is weirdly made. It's got a piece of fake cheese on it and you're supposed to put the bait on that part of it. The fake cheese sticks up at an odd angle and in my mind, I thought it would be more effective if it was more parallel to the bottom of the trap. I also thought that if a mouse could slurp peanut butter off of it without triggering it, I could just kinda push the fake cheese down a little...

Yeah. Right on my thumbnail. The pain is just now beginning to subside, but my embarrassment will stay with me for quite some time and that's not even the end of it. After I finished making a fool of myself, I took the trap back out to the store room. I put it down and the trap went off and FLUNG the cheese to lord-knows-where. I looked for a few minutes, but ended up just putting another piece on it.

You may mock me in the comments below at your leisure. Thank you and good night.

If You Don't Have Anything Nice to Say About Anybody, Come Sit by Me

2008-06-22T17:06:00.008-05:00

Today's movie:

1989's 'Steel Magnolias'

Starring: Sally Field, Dolly Parton, Shirley MacLaine, Daryl Hannah, Olympia Dukakis, Julia Roberts, Tom Skerritt, Sam Shepard and Dylan McDermott.

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Chick Flick

Plot: Southern women be gettin' their hair did. Oh, and dying.

Ahh sugar, sugar: I've often joked that, to me, Steel Magnolias is the scariest movie ever made. I'm only half-kidding. Usually when I do these type of movie things, I do them assuming that everyone has seen the movie-I'm not reviewing them here, I'm just shooting the shit, basically. But today, for this one, I'll make an exception and explain part of the plot, and yes, it's a big ol' spoiler if you haven't seen it.

Julia Roberts' character, Shelby, is a diabetic. Shelby is told that while she is able to have children, it would probably be best if she didn't. So what does she do? She gets pregnant, it ends up taking its toll on her body, she goes into a coma and then croaks. My daughter has type 1 diabetes, and, well, it makes it kinda hard to watch now.

That being said, Shelby's diabetes is the dramatic anchor of the movie and aside from that BIG HUGE SCARY plot point, the movie is a comedy. If I could find a way to edit out all the diabetes stuff, I'd watch it all the time, because it's a very funny movie. I have ovaries, I'm from the south and it's got Dolly Parton in it-I'm biologically designed to like this movie, even though I don't care for the chick films. It's got a shitload of quotable lines and the cast-especially Shirley MacLaine-is awesome, save for Daryl Hannah.

I swear, every time I see her in a movie, I think of that Paula Poundstone bit about how if people want to see Daryl Hannah on film that badly, they should stick a picture of her in the corner of the screen, 'cuz she's got no business acting. She's WAY out of her element here and she takes me right out of the movie each time I see it. Until the end when I start bawling, because I can't NOT watch the thing all the way through because I'm apparently a masochist.

In sum: Funny movie. Diabetes is bad. Daryl Hannah may be worse.

"Is Dylan McDermott nice in person?": Since this isn't your typical 80s movie in that it didn't feature any flash-in-the-pan types, I'm gonna spare myself the work on the 'where are they now' section. They were acting before Steel Magnolias, they're still acting now.

Grab it Here.

So it's Sorta Social, Demented and Sad, But Social.

2008-06-18T15:53:00.005-05:00

Today's movie is:

1985's 'The Breakfast Club'

Starring: Emilio Estevez, Anthony Michael Hall, Judd Nelson, Molly Ringwald, Ally Sheedy and Paul Gleason. Directed by John Hughes.

Genre: Comedy/Drama

Plot: Five cliches spend all day becoming bestest buddies during Saturday in-school-suspension.

Memories: I liked this movie a lot. When I was TEN. I used to spend the night at my cousins' house about once a month back then, and we'd watch this every time. Then we got older and realized that people generally don't fit into neat little pre-packaged stereotypes and we moved on to better films. At least I did. I should call and ask what they think of TBC these days. I've made myself all curious now.

I snark, but I honestly don't think it stands up. It's got a few good lines and I like Paul Gleason in this (which may be why I can't relate to the young people in the movie), but once I grew up a bit and actually WENT to high school, I found I couldn't identify with this movie at all. I was neither an outcast or a popular little teen queen in school, I was just one of the regular kids, just plugging along. I was a bit weird, but I hid it well and I got along with most of my classmates, who, come to think of it, didn't fit any of John Hughes' stereotypes either.

Which is fine. I'm talking about John Hughes here, not high art. It just kinda sucks when you find out that life isn't as easy as you've been led to believe as a child. Yeah, easy. If my peers in high school were as cut and dried as 80s teen movie tropes, I would have been able to rule over their weak-minded asses with an iron fist.

Where are they now?: I really don't care. But...

Emilio Estevez seems to have decided directing is where it's at.

Anthony Michael Hall is in the upcoming Batman movie, 'The Dark Knight'. Ya Rly.

Judd Nelson managed to not die, which is pretty impressive. If you turn the tv over to Cinemax late at night you can still sometimes catch him practicing his craft.

Molly Ringwald had a baby last year and may or may not be on a tv show premiering this summer or this fall. Maybe.

Ally Sheedy is still acting.

Paul Gleason assumed room temperature in 2006. RIP.

You can snag it Here.

Let Her Go, You Bitch!

2008-06-14T17:58:00.005-05:00

Today's movie is:

1986's 'Aliens'

Starring: Sigourney Weaver, Michael Biehn, Lance Henriksen, Carrie Henn, Paul Reiser and Bill Paxton. Directed by James Cameron.

Genre: Science Fiction/Horror

Plot: Most awesome woman ever is unceremoniously awakened from an awesome space nap by that twatty guy from Mad About You. Takes yet another space nap. When she wakes up from THAT nap, she's forced to protect a bunch of space marines, a rare non-annoying film kid and Bishop, the universe's most awesome android (with apologies to Lt. Commander Data) from ugly-ass space boogermonsters.

What I remember: I really don't have any 80s-related memories attached to this. It's just that it's my favorite science fiction film of all time and it was made during the decade in question, so in it goes.

I like pretty much everything about this movie, but if I were forced to choose my 3 favorite things about Aliens, I'd go with Bill Paxton's "GAME OVER!" freak out; the big climactic battle with the alien and Ripley when she's in that exo suit thingamadoo; and This right here. Goddamn, I love Lance Henriksen.

Where are they now?: Welp...

Sigourney Weaver is still being all Sigourney Weaver-ish, although if you ask me, I don't think 'Baby Mama' is an appropriate use of her talents.

Michael Biehn and Lance Henriksen seem to have been relegated to the B-movie shelves, which makes me kinda sad. Not too sad though, because between the 2 of them, they've got like 15 movies in post-production. Also, Michael Biehn is a sexy, sexy man.

Paul Reiser seems to be sticking to the writer/producer thing these days.

Bill Paxton has come a relatively long way since appearing as a huge turd in 'Weird Science'. Now he's mainly a metaphorical turd on 'Big Love'. Good show, BTW.

Carrie Henn, who played little Newt, quit acting after her role in Aliens, and is now a school teacher. This is what she looks like now.

You can snag a copy Here.

This is Heavy...

2008-06-11T22:49:00.005-05:00

Today's movie is:

1985's 'Back to the Future'

Starring: Michael J. Fox, Christopher Lloyd, Lea Thompson, Crispin Glover and Thomas F. Wilson. Directed by Robert Zemeckis.

Genre: Sci-fi/comedy

What is it?: A teenage boy gets roped into traveling back in time when his loony scientist friend takes a bullet in a mall parking lot. He meets the teenage version of his parents and hijinks? You better believe hijinks ensue.

Back in tiiiime: I remember going to see this movie in the theater on my ninth birthday. I got to choose what we saw since it was my birthday and I chose this because I had a little (huge) crush on Michael J. Fox. I think after the movie, I got to go buy a bunch of crap at Skaggs Alpha Beta, which actually was a pretty decent store, at least to a nine year old.

As for the movie itself, this was my first introduction to the madness that is Crispin Glover, who, in the space of one single Letterman appearance, informed my long-held love for weird people and/or things; Biff still stands as one of my most hated film assholes of all time; and over the past couple decades, I've pretty much perfected my Doc Brown/ Christopher Lloyd impression.

Overall, I think it's a good movie, and pretty clever for it's day, but I've seen it about 11,000,000,000,000 times since then, so the thrill is gone. I do own it though, in case I change my mind and get the urge to watch it. Stranger things have happened.

Where are they now?: The main peeps are still kicking around.

Michael J. Fox occasionally acts, in addition to raising awareness of Parkinson's Disease and Stem Cell Research.

Lea Thompson has mastered the art of the TV movie (nothin' wrong with that).

Tom Wilson still acts, performs stand-up and does voice-over work for cartoons (which everyone in my house knows about after I blurted out-loudly-during a Spongebob episode, "Dude! That fish-guy is totally Biff from Back to the Future!" Similar incidents happen with great frequency in my house. My family loves me anyway.)

Christopher Lloyd is still working, though it's impossible for him to reach the heights of Reverend Jim ever again, not even if he lives to be a thousand.

Crispin Glover is still creeping people out, and recently played the role of Montag the Magnificent in a remake of The Wizard of Gore. Bijou Phillips is apparently in it as well, so I'll be taking a pass.

You can grab it Here, or you can come to my house, we can watch my copy and I'll wow you with my Doc impression. I'm serious, it's uncanny.

No More Yanky My Wanky

2008-06-09T15:59:00.004-05:00

I'm starting a new thing here and in the interest of saving time, I'm going to keep the explanation brief.

Harper started summer vacation a little over week ago and it's made me sentimental. When I was a kid, if I wasn't outside during the summer, I was inside watching movies. Being that I grew up in the 80s, well, you can gather what kind of movies I watched. So I've decided to do something similar to the month-long Boogerman-athon I did back in October, only this will be spread out over 3 months and it will be with 80s movies instead of horror movies. And I won't be posting every day, just every couple of days. See, it's totally exactly the same, only different.

First up, in case the blatantly obvious post title didn't give it away:

1984's '16 Candles'

Starring: Molly Ringwald, Justin Henry, Michael Schoeffling, Haviland Morris, Gedde Wantanabe, Anthony Michael Hall and Paul Dooley. Directed by John Hughes

Plot: Spoiled proto-emo girl pouts because her family has more important things to deal with than her birthday.

Genre: Comedy

What I remember about it: You may have sensed some hostility in my plot summary there. I loved the movie, seen it many, many times. But the one thing I came away with after every viewing, was the fact that Samantha Baker was one of the most unsympathetic characters in teen movie history. I can empathize to a point with the whole forgetting the birthday thing, but they lost any shot at pity by making Samantha so unlikable.

Seriously-she does nothing during the entire movie but mope and whine and it grated on my nerves to no end. And we're supposed to want Jake Ryan to leave his teen queen girlfriend, Caroline, who seemed like a genuinely nice person (and also loads of fun if her behavior at the post-dance party was any indication) for HER? What, are you kidding me?

I think one of the main reasons I didn't like Samantha, aside from her being a spoiled brat, was her whole "If you don't know, I'm not going to tell you" passive/aggressive schtick. They forgot your birthday? FUCKING TELL THEM. You'll make out like a bandit later, trust.

On the other hand, as annoying as she was, I still watched the damn thing repeatedly because of the stereotyped awesomeness that was Long Duk Dong, and I still quote his lines on a daily basis, some 24 years (!) later.

Where are they now?: Believe it or not, all the lead actors are still acting, save for one. According to IMDB, Michael Schoeffling (Jake) has a successful business selling hand-crafted furniture in Pennsylvania, where he lives with his family.

In case you haven't seen it, or don't own it, or don't get cable where they show it at least once a month, you can buy a copy of 16 Candles Here.

RIP

2008-05-29T18:23:00.001-05:00

LOS ANGELES - Harvey Korman, the tall, versatile comedian who won four Emmys for his outrageously funny contributions to "The Carol Burnett Show" and was seen to hilarious effect on the big screen in "Blazing Saddles," died today. He was 81.

Korman died at UCLA Medical Center after suffering complications from the rupture of an abdominal aortic aneurysm four months ago, his family said in a statement released by the hospital.

A natural second banana, Korman gained attention on "The Danny Kaye Show," appearing in skits with the star. He joined the show in its second season in 1964 and continued until it was canceled in 1967. That same year he became a cast member in the first season of "The Carol Burnett Show."

Mercury News

10 Years Ago Today...

2008-05-28T18:44:00.003-05:00

..I was young and newly married and newly pregnant. On this particular date ten years ago, I had made a trip to the local WIC office (in addition to being young, married and pregnant, I was also poor), and the TV in the office was on the news. This was the story they were covering.

I was a huge fan, in addition to being an hormonal, emotional, pregnant wreck, so I started bawling right there in the WIC office. If memory serves, I think I just got up and went home and didn't go to the actual appointment.

Weird, the things you remember.

Happy Birthday Jenner!!

2008-05-25T19:20:00.004-05:00

Due to some late-breaking drama and a major lack of sleep, this post will not be as substantial as I wanted (the brain, she ain't working so good). Be that as it may, I was damned and determined to acknowledge your birthday here, and yes, I know I'm a day early.

YouTube didn't have the CG clip I wanted to post, but this one fits perfectly with the topic at hand. Oh and check your blog-I left you a present there as well (and I'm fighting the urge to make a poop joke here...Heh, I said 'urge' and 'poop' in the same sentence.) Happy birthday, Jenner, and it goes without saying-but we still say it, that's our way-I love you very, very much.

Happy Birthday Melissa!

2008-05-22T20:13:00.003-05:00

I know I'm a couple days early, but I have a potentially busy weekend ahead of me, so I thought it best to err on the side of caution and get this up now. I had every intention of sending you something in the mail, but due to, well, stuff, I never got the chance.

I debated a good bit on what to post, before my elephantine memory pointed me towards this. Enjoy, I love you and I hope you have a great birthday weekend!

Bzzzzzzzz

2008-05-18T20:12:00.003-05:00

We've got half as many puppies as before: today Molly, Gracie and Rory all went to new homes. Gracie and Molly are still together and Rory's new owners have a couple of other pets, so hopefully they will adjust quickly. Or that's what I keep telling myself to keep from crying.

No, actually, I'm super, thanks for asking. The other 3 have kept me pretty occupied. Plus I had no sleep last night, which has made me extra, EXTRA busy. I don't know what it is, but when I suffer from an hellish lack of sleep, I get a lot of energy. Much like Apu on the Simpsons when he worked for like 4 days straight and he got so wound up he thought he was a hummingbird. That's me today-Bzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

I don't know where I'm going with this exactly-I'm starting to think I posted just so I could work in that Apu reference. Like I say, I've had NO sleep, so I can't be held accountable for any rambling nonsense I post.

No, wait, I know what it was. It's pitchuhs', I gots pitchuhs of the puppies. These were taken in the last couple weeks, while we still had all of them. They're between 5-6 weeks old in them and it goes without saying, cute. as. hell.

Rapid Random Rubbish

2008-05-11T20:22:00.005-05:00

I've been super-busy this week due to some major drama that really isn't appropriate to talk about here. I mean, I could, but it would be disrespectful to my family as a whole, and as rude as I may seem, deep down I'm all about decorum. You understand.

Once things die down 'round heah', I'll get around to picking a movie and crowning a winner in the "What Should Jamie Watch" contest. Yes, I gave it a name. I'm a nerd. I haven't decided what the winner will get yet, but I can assure you, it will be a major award.*

I did have some time today, so I thought I'd get a quick post up. Only a couple of things to cover, neither of them very important, and both completely unrelated to each other. First up, my iPod.

Recently, I got around to actually rating the songs I have on there-all 700+-and last night while adding some more songs on iTunes, I got to poking around.

If that screencap is to be believed (you might have to click on it to make it big enough to read), those are my favorite songs, if you go by the ratings. I would never have guessed. Neil Diamond? Really?

The second thing I wanted to mention: Remember last year when I posted about that family who keeps squirting out crotch dropplings? Do you? Well, guess what. As both a godless heathen and as someone whose uterus cried 'Uncle!" after just one child, I'm perpetually horrified and fascinated by those folks.

I don't have a third thing, so in keeping with the random theme, I give you an LOLcat.

*Note: the winner will NOT get a Christmas Story Leg Lamp. If I had one, do you REALLY think I'd give it away?

I Didn't Know Barney Rubble Went Into Journalism...

2008-05-02T15:29:00.001-05:00

I need a laugh (I'm fine, btw, just want a good chuckle) and this video always delivers. Have a good weekend, everyone.

Rutting Netflix

2008-04-29T18:01:00.006-05:00

I'm in a weird area of my life right now. On the plus side, Harper is doing well, my mom is recovering nicely from surgery and my neighbors-THOSE neighbors-are moving as I type this. On the downside, due to my mom's surgery, the fact that my nephew still hasn't moved out and my dad becoming the laziest man alive since he retired, I have oodles of household responsibilities now. Which is to say I have to do EVERYTHING in the house.

They leave their trash everywhere, and I have to pick it up and take it out. Their laundry, I do it, in addition to mine and Harper's. I have to tend to the pets, all ELEVEN of them. Clean the kitchen, do the floors, scrub the funk out of the toilet, dust, listen to everyone bitch and moan and stand by and watch as my spoiled nephew reduces our front yard to something out of Tobacco Road. It's not so much the chore-type stuff, it's the little things. If you finish off an entire can of Pringles, throw the fucking can in the fucking trash. Is it THAT hard? Really? Jesus Christ. It's legally my house now, but when that happened, I didn't realize that meant everyone else here would suddenly not give a shit anymore. Mercy.

As a reward for my endless work, I've managed to acquire a new bedspread (This here) and a badly needed new pair of sneakers (Them there). They're nice and all, but somehow they don't quite alleviate all of my stress.

Used to, when I reached my breaking point, I'd watch a movie and it would make me feel better. But lately I've come to realize that I'm in a film rut. I get all these movies from Netflix and half the time I send them back unwatched. The other half, I do watch them and can't even pay attention. The last movie I watched and thoroughly enjoyed, believe it or not, was Enchanted. And that was only because Harper was watching it in my room, otherwise I wouldn't have made it through it. Honestly, aside from that I don't think I've watched an entire movie in months. I still watch TV, mainly Scrubs reruns and my recent obsession, Corner Gas (Goddamn you.)

As much as I enjoy those shows, not to mention an endless supply of cartoons, I miss watching movies. This is where YOU people come in.

I need recommendations. I don't care the genre (except love stories-that's a big DO NOT WANT there), just any movies you guys like a lot. One thing though, I don't want any shitty movies. I like schlock as much as the next nerd, but what I'm looking for is a movie that will rock my face off.

Translation: I don't want 'good-bad' I want 'good-GOOD'.

I don't think I've ever asked for this kind of advice on here before, so just be sports and indulge me. I'll even sweeten the deal for you: if I pick your recommendation and I like it, I'll give you something. I don't know what, but I'll do my best to make it something tangible. That's only if I like it, though; if it sucks, I'll hunt you down like a dog and make you watch David Hassellhoff's "Hooked on a Feeling" video until your eyes bleed.

Get cracking and don't let me down, people.

Gogol Bordello-'Start Wearing Purple'

2008-04-17T18:39:00.003-05:00

This is stuck in my head hence, I'm posting it.

I'll try to get back to posting semi-regularly soon. Things are rather hectic for me right now, to put it mildly. Puppies, Harper's sick and my mom is having surgery tomorrow.

The good times are killing me.

Pups-n-Stuff

2008-04-08T17:12:00.008-05:00

As I reported back at the beginning of February, my dogs Pepper and Patches became involved in a torrid affair. Patches was all of 6 months old at the time, while Pepper was around 4 and a half, which makes her a Beagle/Daschund/Cougar mix, apparently. Since Patches was so young, we hadn't had him fixed yet, as we were under the horribly mistaken illusion that he was too young to breed. We hadn't had Pepper fixed because up until that point, she hadn't been around any other males dogs for any length of time. We thought at one time she might be pregnant, but it turned out to be a false pregnancy, and not the last time, either.

Long story short: as of this writing, Patches' nads are a distant memory, and my bedroom is now a flophouse for 9 dogs: Pepper, Patches, Lily and Pepper's 6 puppies. They were born last Tuesday, and until yesterday, they along with Pepper were staying in Harper's room, which is also where they were born.

Pepper is a wonderful mother-for the first week, she didn't leave them except for very brief bathroom breaks. If anyone picked up one of the puppies, she'd flip her shit until they were returned to her side. Of course, a gal can only take so much and over the weekend, she decided that she missed being around her people, so I carted the whole bunch of them in here. Now she spends most of her time nursing, getting frequent belly rubs, begging for scraps and standing vigil against Lily and Patches. Lily and Patches have no ill will to the pups; aside from some curiousity, they don't pay much attention to them. But if they so much as darken Pepper's side of the room, she barks her head off.

I'm rambling a little, so I'll wrap it up. The reason I'm posting is because my sister came by today and took some pictures of the new family and I wanted to share them because they're just so darn cute I could plotz.

The proud Papa. He's grown quite a bit since the last time I posted about him:

Miss Thang:

Clockwise from left, Molly, Zach, Rory, Maggie, Gracie (middle) and Botwo:

Gracie and Rory:

Note Maggie, the chubby brown and white one in the middle. She's like that about 98% of the time:

I love this picture. The look on Pepper's face just says it all:

RIP

2008-04-06T15:52:00.004-05:00

I ruminated a good while on whether to post about this or not. I wasn't exactly a fan of his, and I'll admit that some of that had to do with his politics: I don't have anything against guns but come ON. In the end I decided that anything bad I think about him can't stand up to This.

Or This.

Or OMFG THIS!

This was pretty good, too. Really underrated, sweet gem of a movie. So underrated that there's not even a trailer for it on YouTube. Seriously, it's really cute-if you ever find yourself in a sappy mood, check it out.

WASHINGTON (Reuters) - Actor Charlton Heston, whose chiseled features and commanding presence won him epic roles from Moses to Michelangelo, died on Saturday night at the age of 84, his family said.

The Oscar-winning Heston, a former president of the influential National Rifle Association lobbying group, died at his home in Beverly Hills with his wife Lydia at his side, the family said in a statement.

Heston had announced in 2002 that he was suffering symptoms of Alzheimer's disease.

"To his loving friends, colleagues and fans, we appreciate your heartfelt prayers and support. Charlton Heston was seen by the world as larger than life," the family said.

"No one could ask for a fuller life than his. No man could have given more to his family, to his profession, and to his country. In his own words, 'I have lived such a wonderful life! I've lived enough for two people'," the statement added.

The family said a private memorial service would be held.

In his heyday, Heston's rugged features and conservative lifestyle seemed to belong to another age. As director Anthony Mann said: "Put a toga on him and he looks perfect." Frank Sinatra once joked: "That guy Heston has to watch it. If he's not careful, he'll get actors a good name."...

Yahoo News

Happy Easter Everybody

2008-03-23T08:12:00.000-05:00

RIP

2008-03-18T17:53:00.003-05:00

Science-fiction writer Arthur C. Clarke, who co-wrote the epic film "2001: A Space Odyssey" and raised the idea of communications satellites in the 1940s, died Wednesday at age 90, an associate confirmed.

Clarke died early Wednesday at a hospital in Colombo, Sri Lanka, where he had lived since the 1950s, said Scott Chase, the secretary of the nonprofit Arthur C. Clarke Foundation.

"He had been taken to hospital in what we had hoped was one of the slings and arrows of being 90, but in this case it was his final visit," Chase said.

Clarke and director Stanley Kubrick shared an Academy Award nomination for best adapted screenplay for "2001."

The film grew out of Clarke's 1951 short story, "The Sentinel," about an alien artifact left on the moon.

CNN

Harper's Bizarre

2008-03-17T22:56:00.004-05:00

I haven't done one of these in awhile. Used to when I would post these, I'd say a little something about any issues that Harper was having in her life at the time. Thankfully, there's really nothing to say right now. Things are fairly mellow for her lately-she even got her bike back (more on that in the comments on the post below.) She's still dealing with some of the same old issues, but things seem to be in somewhat of a holding pattern for now.

Translation: Things aren't great, but they ain't too bad either. At the very least, I don't have that worried, gnawing feeling in my stomach right this minute, so that's good enough for me.

The reason I haven't done one of these H.B. posts in several months is because she hasn't been pilfering through my CDs much. Well, she still does occasionally, but when she does, she seems to hone in on something embarrassing (you don't need to know that I have a CD that features the theme song to St. Elmo's Fire in my possession. And you don't need to know that my kid likes to listen to it. Yet here I am telling you about it. I fail.) Besides all that, she's got her own music to root through now, so I guess the allure of mommy's music is no match for the musical juggernaut that is Hannah Montana.

Except for this. She's been playing this one like crazy lately. I have to say, it's a joy to watch her when she listens to it: she bounces around like a ball, shakes her bootay and screams "SO WHAT!" at the top of her lungs. It makes me so proud, I can't even tell you.

Yes, Bruce, They Are Pricks

2008-03-12T15:42:00.004-05:00

Harper is on Spring Break this week, and wouldn't you know it, it's rained every day except today. Fortunately it's extremely nice outside this afternoon-sunny, 75 degrees-perfect weather for her to go ride her bike. So a few hours ago, I granted her request to go out and she immediately comes back in and asks "Where's my bike?". I get up and go look and it's nowhere to be seen:some scum sucking, bilge biting rat-bastard stole it.

Who does this? It's an old, crappy bike, the seat cushion is totally gone, it's like sitting on a hemorrhoid generator. Hell, I hope whoever stole it DOES get a scorching case of 'roids, if not worse. Actually, I hope they get polyps and they become so constipated that sitting on the bike would be pure torture, in which case, I hope they have to ride it forever.

Sonofabitch.

Believe it or not, I'm not as enraged as I was when it first happened (if I was, I wouldn't be able to type, the whole post would look like this :"UGCDLHVFOUYR!!). Once my neck cooled off-my neck gets all hot when I get mad-this thing popped into my head. See, I can never get mad enough that I don't remember stupid shit I've seen on tv over the years. It's technically not the same thing, but it's related. If I wanted to be all specific, I'd have to post a review of the Bicycle Thief or something. It's just been so long ago that I saw that and I'm still KIND OF pissed, so I don't think this would be the best time to pontificate about a classic Italian film. As it is, I'm having a hard time following the Fairly Oddparents, which is on tv right now. I think Timmy's in the hospital or something, I dunno.

At least no one stole his bike.

I'd Feel Sorry for Her if I Liked Her

2008-03-09T16:14:00.009-05:00

I looked at this photo of Patricia Heaton of 'Everybody Loves Raymond' fame for a solid 2 minutes, wondering why it gave me the creeps. After a close-up examination, the answer came to me like a shot. Can you figure out what's wrong with this ~~woman~~ picture?

The Crazy 88's Can Kiss My Patootie

2008-03-08T14:11:00.008-06:00

Last night, due to some Ghostworld talk(haven't seen it? Do it. Now. Go, go, go!), I had a hankering to see a clip from the movie. In particular, the opening sequence where Enid (the delightful Thora Birch) is watching the 1965 Bollywood film Gumnaam. This clip is technically from Gumnaam and Thora Birch is nowhere to be seen in it, so there's really no need for me to mention Ghostworld, other than to use it as an excuse to get as many people to watch it as possible.

This song and the clip itself make me want to bounce off the walls like a wild woman. It's just so peppy and cool and campy that I can't take it, and for a lazy hag me, that's saying something.

By the by, if you've seen Kill Bill, this might seem a little familiar. I'm just speculating, but I'm thinking that Quentin Tarantino has seen Gumnaam at some point. Again, I'm just running this up the flagpole, but this scene brings to mind the fight sequence in KB between the Bride and the Crazy 88's. And once again, this is just my theory. Of course, I wouldn't say it if I wasn't right, but I have to put a disclaimer in there, regardless. Ahem.

Bill Withers-'Ain't No Sunshine'

2008-03-05T06:44:00.002-06:00

Just because.

Enough Already

2008-03-02T18:19:00.010-06:00

I really, really, REALLY don't like to get into politics or other similarly touchy topics on this blog, but this is driving me nuts and I have to say something.

There seems to be a proliferation of stories and opinions concerning the current democratic presidential race that say things like this:

""They're running to the rock star, to the momentum, to the excitement...And I am worried that if Hillary doesn't get elected, I am never going to see a woman president in my lifetime. I do think her chances are slipping away, and it [ticks] me off."

I'll say it right off: I'm a feminist. I was raised to believe that just because I'm female, it didn't necessarily make me weaker or less valuable a person than a man. I read stuff like Ms. Magazine while in my teens and it helped to form the-arguably-strong woman I am today. The thing is, while I read all of the feminist literature I could get my hands on, due to the common sense that was also instilled in me by my parents, I never had the notion that I deserved something just BECAUSE I was a woman.

My issue with comments like the above, is that in almost every article I've read like that, they never make a mention of Clinton's stand on any issues. Not her voting record, nothing except her gender, and they all have the tone of "we want a president with a vagina, it doesn't matter WHO it belongs to".

At first I thought that opinion was held mainly by the old-school 2nd Wave feminists, the ones who fought so hard for abortion rights and equality in the workplace that, along the way, some of them became slightly blind to reality. It comes down to a matter of age and experience in some ways. Or so I thought until Tina Fey's "Bitch is the new black" rant on Saturday Night Live last week:

“Women have come so far as feminists that they don’t feel obligated to vote for a candidate just because she’s a woman. Women today feel perfectly free to vote for whoever Oprah tells them to.”

Completely ignoring the asinine Oprah dig, I'm a little baffled that the first comment could possibly be used as an insult. I thought for sure she was being sarcastic-it's Tina Fey for god's sake, she makes a living doing comedy. But the consensus seems to be that she was for real, and if she is, she dropped quite bit in my esteem. No one with any sense should feel obligated to vote for someone JUST BECAUSE they're a woman, or JUST BECAUSE they're black, or white or for any other ultimately shallow reason. How many people voted George W. Bush into office because he was the one they'd "rather have a beer with"?

Am I going to vote for Hillary Clinton? No. Is it because she's a woman? No. Do I want a woman president someday? Absolutely, if she's qualified. Do I think there are people out there that won't vote for her because she is? Of course I do, and those people are idiots, but equally idiotic are the ones who'd vote FOR her based only on that reason. I don't truly believe that Tina Fey or any of the others are voting for her based on the gender issue alone, but when they focus on that and ignore everything else they lose credibility and so does their candidate, and really, anyone else who would vote for her based on politics does as well.

I guess my point with all of this is that, this is the highest office a person in this country can hold. As we've learned this last go-round, they can make some life changing decisions for the rest of us, whether we like it or not. So for our own sakes, we have GOT to ignore the outer trappings of the candidates and focus on what they stand for, or we could very possibly be in some deep doo-doo in the next 4 years. So if you want to vote for Hillary Clinton, fine, that's your call. But if you do, make sure you do it for the right reasons. 'K?

It's Official: I'm a Mutant

2008-02-29T03:48:00.005-06:00

Fear me.

About 6 or 7 years ago, I managed to break one of my upper right premolars. I held off doing anything about it for a couple months, until it eroded enough that the nerve became exposed and I was praying for death. So I went to the dentist and had him yank it out. No fuss, no muss-that was the end of that, right?

Nuh uh.

This morning I felt this weird not-quite-pain where the premolar once was. I ran my tongue across it and I felt something hard. I thought maybe I had a piece of food stuck in there so I poked at it with my finger (and looked damn classy while doing so, I must say) and it didn't budge. So I go get a mirror and take a look and sure enough, there's a new got-dang tooth springing up in my 31 year-old mouth.

Before anyone says it: it wasn't a baby tooth. I did all my tooth losing and growing when I was still in elementary school. So the only other possible explanation is that I'm just a freak of nature. It's weird enough that I don't have any underarm hair (nada, nothing, not even fuzz. Not that I mind), now I've got unexpected replacement choppers forming.

Hell, maybe it's some kind of strange karmic reward. I've always gone out of my way to practice proper oral hygiene, and aside from breaking the tooth to begin with, I've never had any problems with my teeth-not one cavity (we'll just gloss over the wisdom teeth chapter of "My Adventures With Dentistry"). That's more comforting than the other explanation, which is that I've become something akin to a sideshow attraction and will soon have to start hanging out with the bearded lady (mom?) and the beloved Bat Boy.

Actually, that would be a pretty sweet deal, so I guess I win either way.

Filmed in Glorious Sphinctervision

2008-02-23T18:42:00.002-06:00

I thought about posting a movie today like I used to, but I couldn't find one that suited my mood. Instead, I'm just posting an old music video.

I'd say something about it, but I'm too flabbergasted to come up with a description. All I can say is it would take some cheese of epic proportions to replace The Shatner's spectacular(ly bad) cover of Rocket Man in my heart. This doesn't quite cut it, but I'd say Telly has come closer than anyone ever will.

This Man is Wearing a Push-up Bra. Now he is Pleasing

2008-02-20T18:12:00.004-06:00

Today is the 48th birthday of Joel Hodgson, creator and original host of MST3k. In the interest of full disclosure, when I was in my late teens, I would have gladly offered him my hand in marriage had the opportunity arisen.

In honor of this day, I've made a top 5 list of my favorite Joel episodes of MST3k (difficulty: no Manos) and I'm including one of my favorite shorts.

1. Eegah!
2. The Amazing Colossal Man (The episode that broke my MST3k cherry, as it were.)
3. Mitchell (Joel's last episode as host, and the only episode that ever made me cry.)
4. Attack of the Eye Creatures
5. Godzilla vs. the Sea Monster

Sunday Music Dump

2008-02-10T23:54:00.001-06:00

I feel blechy and I don't feel like deciding what songs to post. Plus, the site I usually use is all wiggy lately and I don't wanna do battle with it. But if you want some music, feel free to use This. To paraphrase a televison ad from my youth: You do all the work so I don't have to.