Monday, December 24, 2007

Of Maude and Midichlorian

Before I start, let me say that I promise this will be my last Christmas related post. This year.

Onward we go.

I've taken a break from my normal Christmas Eve routine of cleaning and watching cartoons to bring you a video. My intentions were to post the MST3k version of Santa Claus Conquers the Martians, but they only had it on YouTube and it was broken up into a bunch of different parts. Piss on that.

I did some more searching and I came across something better (well, not better than MST3k-that's crazy talk), or possibly worse depending on your outlook. I'm not going to say much about it, mainly because I've never had the pleasure of watching it. However, if everything I've heard is true, I'm certain to like it, much like I like the films of one Edward D. Wood Jr.

Ladies and gentlemen, my gift to you (and to myself) this Christmas is the infamous "Star Wars Holiday Special", starring Mark Hamill, Carrie Fisher, Harrison Ford and...Bea Arthur. Come for the Force, stay for the Bea.

Merry Christmas everyone.

Thursday, December 20, 2007

Crazy Christmas Redux

Before I switched gears on the mentally ill xmas carols post, I went hunting for an appropriate picture to go with it. I couldn't find one that suited me, but I did find a bunch of odd Christmas music album covers, enough that I thought it warranted it's own post. I'm probably wrong, and it DOESN'T warrant it's own post, but I've never let that stop me before.

Nothing very special about this one, but it's Liberace, therefore campy, therefore it's going in:

This one comes with a complimentary cheeseburger:

I don't know what's going on here:

"Mom! Call the cops, The Temptations are peeping in the windows again!"

This one isn't so strange on the surface (in fact, I quite like the Ronettes), but the words "A Christmas Gift For You, From Phil Spector" made me guffaw:

I just plain want this one:

And finally, Oooh you're gonna buy my Christmas album, ohhh:

Christmas CarLOLs

I read a Daily Mail article yesterday about a magazine that's edited by mental health patients that's caused a bit of a to-do. See, they published a list of Christmas carols with tweaked titles that take a little piss out of various psychological maladies. The problem is, some woman with a big ol' stick up her butt has pitched a fit and made them pull the list because she got all offended or something. Blogger won't let me link the article for some reason, but it's just your basic bloated, hokey Daily Mail story, so it's no big deal. The only good part of the story is the list of carols, and I'm a-put it here for your convenience, plus it makes me laugh, which is the important thing.

Monday, December 17, 2007

You're a Star-bellied Sneetch, You Suck Like a Leech

This week we're voting for best children's book over on Hispanic Time and it's made me a tad nostalgic. It took a fair amount of deliberation before I decided which one I was going to vote for-The Chronicles of Narnia. Even though once I decided I was 100% sure of my choice, my thoughts kept returning to another story-Dr. Seuss' 'The Sneetches'. I loved The Sneetches when I was a tot and I fell in love with it again when I got in the habit of reading it to Harper when SHE was a tot, or more tot-like than she is now (she's only 9; still a baby. To me.)

The Sneetches is a simple, humorous tale that highlights the pointlessness of conformity. It's also a neat little allegory about the idiocy of racism, kinda like that old Star Trek episode about the black and white cookie-lookin' people, only the Sneetches stop short of trying to kill each other, and there's no Shatner. It's a nice way to introduce young children to the ideas of tolerance and individuality, if you're into that kind of thing.

While The Sneetches is by no means obscure, it's not up there with your 'Green Eggs and Ham"s and your "One Fish, Two Fish..."s in terms of Dr. Seuss books, so I'm going to post the text here for the poor souls who are unfamiliar with it. It's the holidays, I'm feeling all generous and shit.

"The Sneetches"-By Dr. Seuss

Now, the Star-Bell Sneetches had bellies with stars.
The Plain-Belly Sneetches had none upon thars.
Those stars weren’t so big. They were really so small.
You might think such a thing wouldn’t matter at all.

But, because they had stars, all the Star-Belly Sneetches
Would brag, “We’re the best kind of Sneetch on the beaches.”
With their snoots in the air, they would sniff and they’d snort
“We’ll have nothing to do with the Plain-Belly sort!”
And, whenever they met some, when they were out walking,
They’d hike right on past them without even talking.

When the Star-Belly children went out to play ball,
Could a Plain Belly get in the game? Not at all.
You only could play if your bellies had stars
And the Plain-Belly children had none upon thars.

When the Star Belly Sneetches had frankfurter roasts
Or picnics or parties or marshmallow toasts,
They never invited the Plain-Belly Sneetches
They left them out cold, in the dark of the beaches.
They kept them away. Never let them come near.
And that’s how they treated them year after year.

Then ONE day, it seems while the Plain-Belly Sneetches
Were moping and doping alone on the beaches,
Just sitting there wishing their bellies had stars,
A stranger zipped up in the strangest of cars!

“My friends”, he announced in a voice clear and clean,
“My name is Sylvester McMonkey McBean.
And I’ve heard of Your troubles. I’ve heard you’re unhappy.
But I can fix that, I’m the Fix-It-Up Chappie.

I’ve come here to help you.
I have what you need.
And my prices are low. And I work with great speed.
And my work is one hundred per cent guaranteed!”

Then, quickly, Sylvester McMonkey McBean
Put together a very peculiar machine.
And he said, “You want stars like a Star-Belly Sneetch?
My friends, you can have them for three dollars each!”

“Just pay me your money and hop right aboard!”
So they clambered inside. Then the big machine roared.
And it klonked. And it bonked. And it jerked. And it berked.
And it bopped them about. But the thing really worked!
When the Plain-Belly Sneetches popped out, they had stars!
They actually did. They had stars upon thars!

Then they yelled at the ones who had stars at the start,
“We’re still the best Sneetches and they are the worst.
But now, how in the world will we know”, they all frowned,
“If which kind is what, or the other way round?”

Then up came McBean with a very sly wink.
And he said, “Things are not quite as bad as you think.
So you don’t know who’s who. That is perfectly true.
But come with me, friends. Do you know what I’ll do?
I’ll make you, again, the best Sneetches on the beaches.
And all it will cost you is ten dollars eaches.”

“Belly stars are no longer in style”, said McBean.
“What you need is a trip through my Star-Off Machine.
This wondrous contraption will take OFF your stars
so you won’t look like Sneetches that have them on thars.”
And that handy machine working very precisely
Removed all the stars from their tummies quite nicely.

Then, with snoots in the air, they paraded about.
And they opened their beaks and they let out a shout,
“We know who is who! Now there Isn’t a doubt.
The best kind of Sneetches are Sneetches without!”

Then, of course, those with stars got all frightfully mad.
To be wearing a star was frightfully bad.
Then, of course, old Sylvester McMonkey McBean
invited THEM into his Star-Off Machine.

Then, of course from THEN on, as you probably guess,
Things really got into a horrible mess.

All the rest of that day, on those wild screaming beaches,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie kept fixing up Sneetches.
Off again! On again! In again! Out again!
Through the machines they raced round and about again,

Changing their stars every minute or two. They kept paying money.
They kept running through until the Plain nor the Star-Bellies knew
Whether this one was that one or that one was this one. Or which one
Was what one or what one was who.

Then, when every last cent of their money was spent,
The Fix-It-Up Chappie packed up. And he went.
And he laughed as he drove In his car up the beach,
“They never will learn. No. You can’t Teach a Sneetch!”

But McBean was quite wrong. I’m quite happy to say.
That the Sneetches got really quite smart on that day.
The day they decided that Sneetches are Sneetches.
And no kind of Sneetch is the best on the beaches.
That day, all the Sneetches forgot about stars and whether
They had one, or not, upon thars.

Monday, December 03, 2007

I Believe the Children Are Our Future...And it Scares Me

I was sorting through my computer files this weekend, and I came across a thingamabob that I'd saved with the intention of posting it at some point. What this thingamabob is, is a sampling of questions from Teen Health FX, which for the most part is a fairly straightforward site devoted to answering questions and promoting awareness on a variety of topics related to teenagers, with an emphasis on drug and sex issues.

Here's the deal, though. As has become apparent to anyone with a lick of sense and an internet connection, teenagers are getting dumber by the day and the questions that I've collected from THFX are glaring, painful proof of that. While most of the THFX questions are your run-of-the-mill Seventeen Magazine-style "I'm pregnant and I don't know what to do" or "It burns when I pee-HELP!" queries, the ones I'm posting make me fear for the future of humanity. Or they would if I wasn't so busy laughing my ass off.

Read and enjoy. Then go have a long talk with the nearest young person in your life.

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I think I'm pregnant! I'm only 17 and don't know what to do, I'm not sure because if I am pregnant I have drank and smoke since then would the baby be dead from this?

Dear TeenHealthFX,
Can you get pregnant by doing it up the butt?


Dear TeenHealthFX,
Me and my boyfriend (online) have cyberish phonish sex, I use a pool stick and he masturbates and we imagine its each other, and we talk on the mic while we do it, and he tells me in and out, is this a form of real sex? Am I still a virgin or not? I did pop my cherry when I first did it, also is this in anyway dangerous to my health?


Dear TeenHealthFX,
I am a 15-year-old girl and have never had sex. I masturbate by putting a teddy bear into me. Is this normal? Can I get pregnant or STD's? Please help me! I will stop if it is dangerous, but it feels so good.


Dear TeenHealthFX,
I have small PAINFULL lumps in my vagina. I have never had sex. The tops of the lumps are black and greenish. WHAT COULD THIS BE??? I am really scared.


Dear TeenHealthFX,
I'm a 19-year-old gay male. I've a gay partner and we often indulge into anal sex. My worry is that will my partner get pregnant? Please help me with this

And my personal favorite:

Dear TeenHealthFX,
I wanted to know what it was called if you tried to have sex with a tree?